Just a Pen & Paper

13. two steps backwards

ftr: 3.19.2021 [11:24 pm, pennsylvania]

13 - TWO STEPS BACKWARDS

backwards • toward or into the past.

/ˈbakwərd/ | noun

"One step forward, two steps back. Two steps backward, four steps forward. Like a pendulum, moving from 'us' to 'just me'." - Most Incredible Johnson

*

Once her eyes laid to rest on the first photo they saw, everything blurred. Everything kept blurring so speedily until it overwhelmingly slowed. It felt slow-motion as she registered the photo, her emotions switching from one to another; until they stopped on two feelings.

     A photo of two happily smiling kids in a kindergarten classroom with one of their arms on each others shoulders, and paint on the other sat itself behind the photo film ━ as it had for years. She felt a range of things from confused to angry, sad, regret, and happiness. But she settled on helpless and hopelessness.

     It didn't take too much for her to realize who they were, Luna and Ramsha ━ before they were nine. It hit her like a truck as a wave of relief washed over her, a pressure lifted itself from her chest, and a small tinge of happiness tainted her heart. "W━ how do you have this?"

          It slowly started to register what that picture actually meant for her, and how she shouldn't be more happy than she was concerned. "Are you━ are you stalking me?"

          Ramsha scoffed and rolled her eyes, out of character. "No. I'll wait however long it takes for you to add everything up."

     So Luna proccessed it, piecing jigsaw puzzle pieces in trial and error ━ trying to find the proper pieces to fit. It dawned on her as a possibility, but she didn't want to ask it. If it was confirmed to be true, her whole life could've been a lie.

          "I don't know how you got that photo." Luna spoke carefully, unusual since she normally didn't care. "But that's not me."

          Hurt made itself evident on Ramsha's face as her eyebrows furrowed. "But — you promised me."

      Obviously Luna didn't understand what she was talking about so she voiced it with a sigh and shake of her head. "No, I didn't."

          Ramsha's expression contorted into full on rage and betrayal, something familiar that made Luna's heart twitch. "YES! YOU DID! DON—"

     "Hey, hey, now. Ramsha?" Atlas had come back, dropping the plastic bag on the floor before rushing over to Ramsha with his hands up in a defensive manner. He knew it was out of character for Ramsha to act like that; she was someone who always kept a smile on, even if her cheeks ached and burned.

          Ramsha growled. "Not. now. Atlas."

     But Atlas ignored that and tugged on her arm, pulling her away from Luna who was startled. He had no idea what got her so unravelled, but he had to act off of what he saw — which was aggression. So he planned to diffuse the situation and make them talk it out without him around, he wouldn't listen to a conversation that wasn't meant for him.

          "Here, have a seat." He dragged one of the chairs they'd been sitting in close enough for Ramsha to plop down in it before walking out of the room, hoping to give them privacy. "We'll be starting soon. But what's wrong?"

     No matter how mad Ramsha might've been, no matter how hard she tried to hide it; she hurt. A scowl formed on her face, a sign of aggression, yes. But tears burned her eyes, sadness was the origin, I digress. She crossed her arms, body language that she was closed-off. Upset, angry, uncomfortable, screaming with her body.

     Ramsha was a cheerful and naturally loud person. She might've been smaller, but her big personality made up for it. So it was a spectacle to see her shrunken in to look small with an even smaller voice. "I—." A lone tear slid down her cheek sourced from her red eyes, while a lump choked her. "Do you not remember me?"

          Seeing the affect those memories had on her, Luna was hesitant to answer. But she knew she couldn't lie — Ramsha didn't deserve that. "No." She whispered. "Sorry."

          "No, no." Ramsha sniffled as tears ran down the back of her throat and collected in her nose. "It's not your fault, never was. Just. . ." She was hesitant to continue.

          Her voice was a broken whisper, like a glass, no longer able to contain so much pain. "Just promise me you'll remember. Please?"

     Luna felt physically hurt at seeing Ramsha's bottom lip quiver, shoulders quaking, eyes beginning to puff up, and anxiously wringing her hands. But her answer didn't only hurt the person receiving it. Luna hurt saying it, the words rolled of her tongue, but the pain of it was swallowed like knives. She looked down at the floor, not used to something affecting her so much. "I can't promise anything." It felt crappy saying it again, but she did. "Sorry."

          A gunshot. A gunshot could be compared to what Ramsha felt, such words; felt like a gunshot. Though she was still bleeding from the wound, she put a smile on. She kept telling herself, there was a benefit out of getting this pain, that's why it happened. But when will it ever stop hurting? Ramsha forced a smile on face, though it didn't look convincing with the blood dripping from her heart; her face showed it. Then she whispered only something she could hear. "Promises were meant to be broken, anyway."

     Luna offered up an apologetic smile, one that didn't reach her eyes. It was quiet after that since Ramsha was the one who usually filled up the silence. But now she was sitting in a chair quietly with her body slumped, head bowed, and sniffles which occassionally replaced the noiseless space.

      Luna rose from her seat, walking over to the door and opening it. Atlas had been sitting outside the door munching on his snacks while he waited for them to finish — which eventually they did. "We're finished talking."

     "Is she okay?" Atlas leaned down a little towards Luna, trying to ask it discreetly. Luna gave a discouraged shrug with a glum expression. It'd been the first time she really felt like that for anyone. But then again, she didn't really have anybody to feel like that for.

     "Well everyone should be arriving in 10 minutes." Atlas said more loudly this time, heard by both Luna and Ramsha who nodded dejectedly.

*

Throughout the therapy session, Grayson noticed how Luna and Ramsha were acting gloomy. He couldn't really claim that it was out of the norm for Luna since he didn't know her too much, but a gut feeling told him it's not normal to act like that. Ramsha was even more of a surprise for him, he knew how she was and that wasn't her. Figuring out the equation, he figured something must've happened between them two if it was just them.

     Ramsha hadn't been eager to participate, she didn't even say anything at all. It was even stranger that Atlas hadn't asked anything of her. Grayson concluded that Atlas knew something about it and he was going to ask.

     The session had ended and everyone was preparing to leave. Grayson walked up to Atlas who had been collecting his things into his black messenger bag. Tapping him, Atlas responded with a hum. "What's going on with Ramsha and Luna?"

          Atlas's eyes quickly darted around the room before landing back on Grayson. "I don't think you should hear it from me. If you want to know, ask Ramsha and Luna themselves."

     Grayson rolled his eyes up to the ceiling while scoffing. He should've known that would be his response. If Grayson wanted to ask them, he would've. But he was sure they wouldn't tell him; especially Luna since she didn't know him that well. At that moment, Deryck popped up from behind them.

          Deryck was more interested in what happened to Luna than Ramsha. "Yea, what happened?"

          Grayson felt himself scowl a little. He wasn't sure why but figured it was because Deryck was such a trouble-maker and pick-me. "Can you leave? And get your arm off my shoulder before I pound your face in."

     Deryck jumped back a little; he knew it wasn't a bluff. It also wasn't an exaggeration that he rubbed people the wrong way and Luna wasn't the first wrong person. "Sorry." Deryck said it childishly.

     There was only Grayson, Deryck and Atlas left. Grayson stayed back to ask Atlas about what happened. Atlas was Deryck's ride and Grayson had his driver so they were going seperate ways. "Well, thanks for giving me information." Grayson said with a irritated eyeroll. "My driver is waiting outside for me."

     He pushed the door open and rode the elevator. Waving at the receptionist, who's eyes started out of her sockets. He walked outside and strolled over to his limo that was near the bus stop. "Good afternoon, Byun."

          "Yes, sir. Good afternoon to you, too." He subtly nodded his head. "How was your session?"

     "It was fine." Grayson breathed, responding to fans on his social medias. "I need to make a call. You know what to do."

     Byun nodded without a second thought, closing the window that divided the driver and passengers in the back. Grayson wished for privacy during whatever call he was making — which Byun shouldn't be concerned with.

          Grayson dialed the number, watching as 'Claramond' appeared. The person on the other end picked up and speaking with confusion. "Hello?"

          "Claramond, I need a favor." Grayson paused before continuing. "I need you to get some information on someone for me."

*

Luna had just stepped foot in the house. As soon as the door opened, her nose body-slammed in the same way it was before — this time much more intense. It was silent for the most part, aside from the occassional groaning. "Dad? You here?"

         "In here." She heard a muffled and gurgled voice, so she followed.

     She found herself in the bathroom of her father's bedroom which reeked of a strong smell and vomit. He was sluggish and slumped against a toilet, a position Luna was having deja vu with.

          "What are you doing?" Luna fanned the air while pinching her nose. "And what's that smell?"

     Her dad only groaned and moved his head lazily. Luna was slightly annoyed that he kept getting himself in that situation. She didn't know what was making him like that, but it clearly wasn't good. "What ever it is that's making you like, it needs to stop." Her dad groaned in response.

          She strained as she dragged the dead weight to his bed. "Hrgh." She huffed and panted for breath.

     Why was he letting himself get like that? Was he sick? If he was, why didn't he see a doctor? What is that smell in the house? Why did she keep smelling it? Why did it smell familiar? So many questions and a scarce amount of answers. "Dad, we have to fix this."

     Luna already hadn't been in the best mood from the heart-wrenching situation with Ramsha. But now she had even more reason to finally cry. Her dad wasn't functioning properly. There was an unknown yet familiar smell in her house. She kept having to take care of her dad who seemed to have no clue why, like her. There were so many reasons for her to ball up and cry, to hate the world. But she couldn't or else her dad would stay with vomit on his shirt; or else she wouldn't be able to stop crying once she started.

     Even with the weight on her shoulders, she had to keep moving. She had to put on a mask, a fake smile. So this is how Ramsha feels?

—

+2003

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[A/N]: I'm sorry, I know this wasn't supposed to be a mystery/suspense/thriller/surprise kind of book. But I couldn't help but give you a little bit of a shock. ‍♀️ Or maybe you guys already called it?  Fun fact: I teared up while writing this chapter!