3 C.R.I.M.E.S

Chapter 20

Dear Journal

Well, my 58 year old mum is in love with and engaged to a 29 year old man. It's like my life has become an endless twisted teenage series.

I was harsh on my mother but, how could I have reacted? I mean, how am I supposed to take news like that? Am I supposed to be understanding? Am I supposed to be happy? And if so, then how am I supposed to be understanding or happy?

It's so much easier to be on the outside, and simply say, "just support her and let her do her", but when it's your own mother acting like she's a teenager or young adult, you do tend to act out and not stay calm.

Life has been throwing a lot more curve balls at me then I'd like. First my pregnancy, now this. What's next? My mum's going to fall pregnant, Wendy is going to become a killer, Quinn will be gay, Idris will drop out of school? That's how crazy things are going at this point and it's...confusing.

I just wish things could just, even for a day go back to the way that they used to be. When we didn't have money and all we had was each other. When the last thing on my mum's mind was a man. Those days when we'd eat take out on Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Year's only. That's how life was.

We wore rags but danced in the streets with joy. We wore rags but I don't remember our smiles being any brighter. Those days when pops could walk and grandma could climb up a tree or make me a sandwich on a bad day.

I miss those days. I really do.

I don't know what to do with this new life. I don't know how to cope with all these changes. I mean, my best friend is going through depression and I've only noticed now, my mum's marrying a man younger than all of her children and my husband got me pregnant...ok maybe that last one didn't seem so crazy, but still, I didn't want another child.

It's like with more money, the more crazy and absurd our problems become.

Joseph says I can't be stressing so much, but how could I not with the way things are going at the moment. I guess the only nice thing about being pregnant is that I can do what I want and eat however much I want without stressing about weight.

And I guess that overrides everything right? Doesn't food always make things better?

Jacqueline

I looked at my now empty cup of tea, closing the journal after readying it. Their stories just get crazier and crazier I tell you.

~~~

Jacqueline POV

"Are you ok?" Joseph asked me. It was the first thing he's said to me all day.

Well, mostly because I was laying in bed the whole day and turned my back to him so he had to go take care of Natalya, and have breakfast with her, while I sat in bed feeling...confused and angry, really.

I sighed, not saying anything and I felt him throw his arm over me, pulling me closer to him.

"Talk to me, detka," he said softly, kissing my cheek.

"I just can't believe my mum," I began softly, "I mean, really, how could she do something like this? I get falling love and wanting to marry someone but not falling in love with a damn child, it's wrong, baby. I'm just so shocked by this, is it the money? Maybe if we didn't give her so much money she wouldn't be pulling stunts like this. Don't get me wrong, I want her to fall in love, I want her to marry the person she loves because God knows she deserves it, but, but not this. What will people say?"

He took my one hand into his, drawing circles on it as he yet again placed another kiss on my cheek.

"What will people say?" He began, "I hate that sentence detka. You want to know why? Because that sentence has killed more dreams than anything else in the world. What will they say? Tell me."

"You know, that how could a mother marry such a young man when she's so much older. Baby, she's not even a mother she's a grandmother for crying out loud."

"Why does it matter what people say? I mean, I know reputation means everything to everyone. Reputation is important, I won't disagree with that because even I care about my reputation, I care about your reputation and so on. But you know my love, the more I grow older, the more days pass, the more months and years pass the more I don't give a f**k about people and their opinions. I'm so tired of constantly having to change who I am for the world to accept me. Let's say for example my parents thought the same thing, 'what will people say?' and then my mum just decided to not be with my dad and vice versa, I wouldn't be here."

"You wouldn't be here in this house right now with me next to you like this. Natalya wouldn't be here. What are the chances that your life would've been this grand? What are the chances that your life would've been this...fairytale, if my parents had thought the same thing, 'what will people say?'. Let's say, ok, they didn't think that and of course had me and years down the line I met you and wanted to go down on one knee. If I'd listened to what people said, I wouldn't have married you. People said that I shouldn't marry, people said that I shouldn't fall in love, people said that I shouldn't have a family, but I said f**k what people say, I love this woman, she makes me happy. She's the kind of woman I want to f**k all day and night and make babies with, and look where we are now. Our daughter is somewhere downstairs sitting in the piano room and playing the piano, you're laying in bed right besides me with our second child inside you."

"My love, people are always speaking. Good or bad, they'll still speak. So yeah maybe your mum's love is different, so what? Even you said she deserves happiness out of all people so why are you stopping her? This guy she wants to marry makes her happy and she wanted to share her special day with all of you, her children."

I turned in his arms, facing him. I put my hand on his face, pecking him on the lips, "that was good."

He smiled at me, "it was wasn't it?"

I nodded, "it was sexy too."

He laughed, "I thought I was always sexy but ok."

"But talking like that makes you more sexy, your wisdom and all of that turns me on so much."

"So what I'm hearing is..."

"No, I'm serious, stop it."

"Then why get my hopes up?"

"So what do I do now?" I asked him, "boy, take your hands out of my pants, I'm talking about my mum."

"I don't know, the wedding was supposed to be yesterday wasn't it?" He asked, groaning when I pulled his hand out of my pants, "she's been trying to call you. Maybe start by calling her back?"

I shook my head, "I don't know, it's still hard to wrap this around my head, Joseph."

"I know, I know, but you want your mum to be happy right? So just stand back, let out a fake smile and let them be happy together no matter how strange it is to you. You know what they say, fake it till you make it."

~~~

"How are you grandma?" I sat on the phone. It was early in the morning and the sun hadn't risen and I was sitting in Joseph's office, in his chair with a blanket wrapped around me and looking outside his office window to see the dark sky outside.

Joseph was fast asleep and I didn't want to wake him up. I couldn't sleep so I called my grandma hoping she'd pick up and she did.

She sighed, "oh, my baby, I'm just fine. How are you holding up?"

I pursed my lips, "not good," I admitted, "not good at all."

"I understand. Everybody is still pretty shaken up about your mum's situation, especially Idris and Quinn."

"How did pops take it? Gosh she couldv'e given any one of you a heartarttack. What was she thinking?"

She giggled, "surprisingly, he was happy for her, I'm afraid I can't say the same for myself."

"She really surprised us there, didn't she? I don't even know...what to do at this point. What am I supposed to say? Am I even supposed to say anything?"

"It is shocking and crazy but she cancelled the wedding. Well, at least that's what she told her father."

"What? Why?"

"Because none of us had attended so she just didn't go through with it," she said softly.

"Oh."

"She came on too strong, she should've eased us into the matter, but what's done is done and all we have to do now is decided whether or not we support her in this."

I paused for long, "you know grandma, don't you think it's a bit suspicious?"

"What do you mean?"

"He's rich, he's young," I paused, "maybe too young...what does he want from her?"

"Uh-uh you're thinking about this too deeply. Don't look at it like that, you'll just stress yourself out. Leave your mother be, she's old enough to make her own decisions and mistakes. She is a grown ass woman and I've done the best I could have to raise her. Don't let her life stress you out, because you're now a grown ass woman who is married and has a child. You don't have the time to worry about her, you worry about your family. Not your mother's nonsense. Now, I've been waiting for you to tell me what's wrong. I can see that something's going on, I don't know if it's good or bad, just tell me."

I kept quiet biting my inner cheek, feeling suddenly overcome with emotion. She could say such simple things and she'd have the power to open all my flood gates.

"C'mon now, my little Jacky, you know you can tell me anything. I can hear you sniffling, tell me what's wrong."

I closed my eyes, "I'm...really tired right now."

"Tired of what?"

"Of everything. I'm tired of feeling so, so confused. I'm tired of having one thing after another just thrown at me. I feel like my life is a mess..." I whispered out hoarsely as I wrapped my blanket tighter around me, "I want a divorce but I also don't want it. Grandma, I feel like I'm complaining for no reason. At times I feel like I'm complaining about nothing and I need to just calm down. I can't sleep, and when I do I only sleep for a little while. I'm eating like food is going to run out and...it's just all so...tiring..."

"Jacky," she paused, "are you pregnant?"

I nodded even though I knew that she couldn't see me.

"It makes sense, remember how you were when you were pregnant with Natty?" She asked me, "you were paranoid, irritated and thought too much. You didn't have time to enjoy the pregnancy, you felt just the way you're going on right now. Baby, you need to just breathe and live. Stop stressing it's not good for you and the baby, you're what, 2 months pregnant or a couple of weeks more than 2 months but less than 3?"

"Wow, you're good. How did you know?"

She laughed softly, "honey I didn't get this old without learning a trick or two. Hell, your mother brought home four kids and she tried hiding her pregnancy each time but I caught her. I'm smart as hell, don't let this silver hair fool you."

I laughed, "I'll give you that, grandma, I never thought you were anything but smart. You've always been my google."

"What in the world," she said laughing a bit louder then went into a coughing fit, "I'm excited for my new great-grandbaby that's coming, does your mum know? Does Joseph know?"

I scoffed, "Joseph knew even before I did. Mama doesn't know though, I had planned on telling her that day but, you know, didn't get the chance."

"Take your time baby, leave your mum be for now and only approach her when you feel ready and won't attack her and fight. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your family, do not divert from that. Natalya is still young and she needs to grow, make sure that the environment around her is safe, educational and healthy for her. Focus on your pregnancy and make sure that you enjoy it and you're comfortable, ok? Now I've got to go to the toilet and you know once I go in, I don't go out," she laughed and I joined her, "I love you, Jacky. I always have and always will..."

"I love you too, grandma, give pops a kiss for me when he wakes up."

"Treat my grandson well, and treat my great-granddaughter as though she is a princess. Goodbye my little Jacky."

~~~