Fuggerstein & Co.: Lost Lands

The Chlenin

Chlenin is the zombified remnant of a would-be Soviet firebrand, reanimated after a kompot-soaked radiation mishap in Leningrad. Shorter than his own ego, he’s been expelled from four bars, two governments, and a space-program test flight—for insisting cosmonauts draft five-year plans in orbit. His signature rallying cry, “In my time, we solved problems with cabbage,” once rallied a makeshift militia of goats before a Wi-Fi outage silenced his digital agitprop. Clad in a wrinkled tracksuit and rusty medals, he thrives on arguing with police and nursing nuclear hangovers with more kompot. Yet hand him a staircase or a smartphone, and his ideological rigor crumbles into plaintive groans—proof that some relics really aren’t built for modern life. How he came into this wretched world? After Fuggerstein broke loose, the world needed someone EVEN DUMBER to balance the chaos. Scientists attempted to clone a genius leader... but they accidentally spilled vodka into the cloning machine. Appearance: Wears a Soviet-era fur hat in the middle of summer. Tracksuit 24/7, even to weddings and funerals. Always holding a half-eaten kebab. Squints suspiciously at literally everything, even spoons. He mostly stomps around like it’s a festival of nonsense and convinced he’s a "master strategist" after winning exactly one game of checkers in 2009. Ends every speech with "Trust me, brother, I know a shortcut." Absolutely refuses to walk anywhere — insists on stealing scooters.

Special Powers: Supersonic Slurring: Can confuse enemies by speaking in 7 dialects of drunk nonsense.

Vodka Shield: Becomes immune to insults and physical damage after three shots.

Tactical Napping: Falls asleep in random places and wakes up somehow exactly where he's needed.

Famous Quote: "In my country, we do not ask why — we ask why not... then we regret immediately."

When Chlenin crashes into that famous crew, they accidentally started a goat rebellion at a music festival. They once tried to build a time machine out of microwaves and extension cords. It exploded... somehow sending 47 cheeseburgers into the past.