Masquerade: Oddly Suited

Oddly Suited by LG Keltner-2

Adam hesitated for a moment, nipping at his bottom lip. If I didn’t know better, I’d have guessed he was nervous about something, but that didn’t make sense. Adam remained unfailingly self-confident about most things. “This is a ridiculous, cheesy dating show, so we should end it with something silly and over-the-top.”

“Such as?” I asked, curious to see where he was going with this. If it even remotely resembled the images my overly-optimistic imagination conjured for me, then I was in deep trouble.

“I was thinking about ending it with...a big, sweeping kiss.” Adam’s eyes flicked over to me, judging my reaction. “It’ll be weird with the mask on, not even really a kiss at all, but that’s what will make it hilarious.”

His words came out in a bit of a rush, and as such, it took a few moments for his proposal to sink in. I let out a slow breath as I flashed through some of the varied scenarios in which I’d envisioned kissing Adam. Some of them closely mirrored the current moment. In the middle of a writing session, his hand would brush mine, and our eyes would meet. Time would draw out as the rest of the world faded away. Then he’d lean forward ever so slowly, and I’d close my eyes and wait for...

No! I tucked those thoughts into the back of my mind. I’d only become infinitely more awkward if I kept thinking such things. And considering Adam’s increasingly uncertain expression, I’d already made matters plenty awkward as it was. “Okay,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “That’s a good idea.”

It was a terrible idea. Possibly the worst idea in the history of my life, but I didn’t want to say so. Yes, a part of me ached to go along with this, but there were so many ways our little act could go wrong. Acting like I was falling head over heels for Adam’s character was bound to feel like wearing my heart on my sleeve. How could he not see through me?

I reminded myself that we’d be acting. Even if he suspected my feelings, I could deny it. I never needed to admit to anything if I didn’t want to. At that point, trying to get out of it would make me look worse. The group needed me to play this part and not let my own insecurities freak me out.

Meanwhile, Adam’s features relaxed. “Great. Like I said, this kiss doesn’t need to be much. It’s more about the lead into it than anything. Sweeping you into my arms and all that.” He paused to clear his throat. “Let’s finish this up, and I’ll email it to everyone else to read through.”

I nodded. “Sounds like a plan.”

A mask would be between us anyway. Surely that would prove enough of a barrier to prevent me from making a fool of myself.

***

The rest of our ensemble enjoyed the script, and we went through the usual week-long process of bouncing ideas for revision back and forth. I was curious what everyone else would think of Adam’s ending, though I wasn’t certain whether I wanted them to love or hate it. They all ultimately agreed it was the best possible ending for our video, so we were committed.

We got together the following Saturday at Gretchen’s house. A building sat out back that her older brother once used as an art studio, but after he moved out, we claimed it for filming purposes. The acoustics weren’t great, but we made do.

The set for this video was simple. Gretchen and Noah built it the night before. A soft pink sheet with felt hearts attached to it covered the wall. There were two chairs, borrowed from Gretchen’s dining room, set up with a mahogany room divider separating them. Claudia was in the middle of arranging the lights, experimenting to see where each of them would work best for our purposes when I arrived.

I wore a knee length teal dress with long sleeves and little flowers on the skirt made from sequins. I bought it a couple days before from a local thrift store. My hair was done in a French braid courtesy of Claudia’s skilled hands. Layers of makeup caked my face. We’d all concluded it should look vaguely clownish to lend to the humor of the situation.

Adam shuffled around the room, already wearing the body of his costume. The head waited for him on his chair. It leaned slightly to one side, its expression vacant, as if we decapitated a ghastly creature for a Halloween video. I filed that idea away for future possible use.

“Places, everyone!” Gretchen shouted. “I want to get this all filmed today, and who knows how many takes we’ll need to do?”

“Did you memorize your lines this time, Noah?” Claudia asked gleefully.

Noah shook his head as he adjusted the jacket of the overly large pinstripe suit he’d borrowed from his dad. “That happened one time. One time, and I had a crazy week! Will I ever live that down?”

“Nope!” Claudia replied.

“Enough bickering!” Gretchen barked.

Adam and I exchanged a look as we approached our chairs. This sort of thing was par for the course. Pettifogger Productions lived up to the silly name we’d chosen for ourselves. We frequently sparred verbally on set, but when the camera rolled, we did our best to rein it in. Most of the time, anyway.

I settled into my seat. It wasn’t too bad at first, but it only took a minute for the discomfort to set in. This was the dead of winter, so the heat in the little studio ran on full blast. The additional lighting aimed at me wasn’t helping, either. The powerful lights burned my eyes almost as bad as the beads of sweat dripping from my lashes, though I didn’t dare wipe at them for fear of smearing my makeup. Instead, I tried blinking the pain away.

“Flutter those lashes!” Claudia made a whooping sound. “Feeling flirty today?”

I glared until her position behind a lighting apparatus forced me to look away. The divider to my right side made for a good reprieve while I waited for the white dots dancing across my vision to fade.

“Are you sure I’m not too sweaty for this?” I asked. “I don’t want to look gross.” Overheating was always a potential issue while filming, and my nerves only compounded the problem.

An audible snort came from the other side of the divider. Mild embarrassment ensued as I recalled Adam’s costume. I really had no room for complaint.

Gretchen shook her head. “No, I think it’s great. It’ll add to the comedic effect. Makes it look like you’re a nervous wreck.”

Oh, great. That was precisely what I wanted to hear. If my friends were thinking that, my cover was bound to be blown. I had to say something to divert any potential suspicion. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know how to do that other than change the focus of the conversation. “Well, if I’m looking like this right now, Adam must be on the verge of melting.”

“She’s right,” Noah said. Beads of moisture dotted his brow. I took some comfort in the fact that Noah experienced sweating issues, too. “Let’s get a move on.”

“Maybe we should add a line about how our alien grew up in a much warmer climate than everyone else is used to,” Claudia said thoughtfully. “Or say the heater in the studio is on the fritz.”

“Or we could start recording now,” I interjected. I didn’t want to wait so long that I ended up having to redo all my makeup.

Gretchen held the camcorder out in front of her. “Okay everyone. Enough small talk. Three. Two. One. Action!”

Without missing a beat, Noah snapped into character and took center stage to deliver his first lines. “Welcome everyone to ‘Oddly Suited,’ the dating show where we aim to find out if opposites truly do attract,” Noah proclaimed in a bright tone. “And boy, did we find some interesting contestants today!” He paused to leave room for the audience applause we planned to edit in during post production.

Then Noah stepped in front of me so he could gesture toward Adam with a grand wave. “On one side of the wall, we have our suitor, Bleeg Blorgington. He doesn’t speak English, but he is eager to learn so he can have lively conversations with the right human.” Noah then shifted his position to put me in the spotlight. “And over on this side, we have Felicity Hart. She works in advertising and prides herself on being able to sell any product to anyone. Will she be able to sell Bleeg on the idea of a possible love connection, or will her skills allow her to see through any pretenses? Only time will tell.”

With the introductions out of the way, Noah whipped a notecard out of his breast pocket and started in with the questions. “Let’s break the ice with something fun and simple. Bleeg, I’ll ask you first. What are your hobbies?”

Adam responded with a funny grunting sound that rose and dipped in pitch multiple times. I struggled not to crack a smile or laugh outright, barely maintaining my composure. Claudia, from her place near Bleeg, in the flattest tone possible, provided the translation. “I enjoy travel, learning about other cultures, and trying new things. That is why I am here on this thing called a television show.”

That’s where I failed. My façade fell apart entirely as I burst into laughter. Noah and Adam joined me, though Adam’s costume dulled the sound, so it resembled the rest of his dialogue.

“I’m sorry,” I said through another small giggle. “I couldn’t help it.”

Many others have said this, and I tend to agree. Writing comedy is difficult. Acting out that comedy, though, is a different matter altogether. You can read the same witty lines repeatedly and become desensitized to them. However, the delivery adds a new dimension, and Claudia’s deadpan performance was spot on. And now because I couldn’t control myself, she needed to do it all over again. Not an unusual part of filming, though. Multiple takes were always necessary, but I still felt silly for spoiling the moment.

Gretchen appeared mildly annoyed. “Let’s back it up to the beginning of Claudia’s line and try this again.”

The second take went more smoothly, but it was far from the only time we needed to redo a line. Claudia forgot one of her lines a couple minutes later. Noah dropped his notecard. Gretchen tripped over her own feet while trying to change the shot, nearly dropping the camera in the process. We needed to compile a video of all our mishaps and post it sometime. There’d be some comedy gold in there.

Despite the occasional mistakes and narrowly-avoided disasters, we waded our way through the script over the course of the next hour. The nearer we got to the end, the more difficult it became to remain calm and collected. It sounds like a cliché, but my heart pounded so loud in my ears, I barely made sense of what was going on around me.

“Maybe we could travel somewhere on your ship sometime,” I said, biting my lip and playing up my timid smile. “See some exotic places together.”

Another string of unintelligible syllables was followed by Claudia saying, “That could be arranged. I know many places to visit unlike any you have ever seen before.”

Noah leaned toward the camera and winked. “I don’t know about you folks at home, but I think this could be going somewhere. Let’s find out.” He performed a half turn to address us. “Okay you two. It’s time to make your decision, and you need to make it blind,” Noah said, arching his brow for the benefit of the camera. “Are you willing to commit to going on a date, or are you going to pass on this opportunity for romance?”

“I’ll go on the date,” I replied.

Adam garbled.

“A date would be agreeable to me,” Claudia said.

“Fantastic!” Noah crowed. “Now it’s time to reveal yourselves to one another! Will our contestants like what they see?”

I stood up slowly. My knees were weak, and I feared they might buckle. The ridiculousness of it all should have alleviated my nerves, but I wasn’t so fortunate. At least it wasn’t out of character. Felicity was supposed to be nervous as she waited to set eyes on her date for the first time, especially considering the moment would be broadcast for all the world to see. If I did it right, I’d mask the genuineness of my fear.

As I stepped around the barrier separating Adam and me, I cycled through the emotions we’d discussed beforehand. I started with nervous excitement and followed up with jaw-dropping surprise. I paused in place for a few moments as I looked him over from the top of his tentacled head to the tips of his sneakered feet. Then I closed my mouth slowly, doing my best to soften my features a little at a time and end the transformation with a pleased grin. “You’re even more unique than I thought you were going to be,” I said, awestruck.

The lack of facial response on Bleeg’s part rendered the moment even more absurd, but the gymnastics going on in my stomach made it impossible to get sidetracked by that detail. I breathed deep and took another step forward as the script demanded. The show must go on and all that. And if my hands shook as I reached out to place them on his shoulders, I hoped my friends assumed it was an example of incredible acting on my part.

Adam stood a few inches taller than me, though the costume made him seem even larger than normal. I stretched up onto my tippy toes and waited. Even though we’d talked this through and planned how the moment would go, I still wasn’t prepared for it. One arm snaked around my back, and a second later, he dipped me backwards as if we were dancing.

Our eyes met, and the rest of the world suddenly didn’t exist. I even managed to briefly forget that my crush was decked out in an alien costume. I could only focus on our proximity, and a moment later, he closed the remaining distance.

I won’t lie and say the moment was all I’d ever dreamed of. My fantasies tended to be more spontaneous. Much less meticulously planned. They also didn’t involve a mask. The rubbery taste was far from ideal, but apart from that there was also the pressure of his kiss and the warmth of his breath on my face. It was the closest I’d ever been to another person, and a jittery exhilaration overwhelmed me. Though the circumstances ludicrous, it was still me kissing Adam and Adam kissing me back.

Noah’s voice tore through my jumbled thoughts, forcefully returning me to reality. “I don’t know about you folks, but I think this was a success! That’s all for tonight. Tune in next time for another episode of ‘Oddly Suited’!”

“And cut!” Gretchen called.

Adam stepped back and pulled me to an upright position. Aside from a touch of lightheadedness, I got through the experience unscathed. Our friends moved about the room, going through the typical wrap-up routine of gathering equipment and packing it away, interspersed with the occasional exchange of high fives for a job well done. I watched them intently, mostly to avoid talking to Adam until I got a grip on myself.

“Let’s get together again tomorrow afternoon to edit this,” Gretchen suggested. “You’re all free, right?”

I nodded. “As far as I know.”

There was a guttural grunt beside me. I glanced over to see Adam giving her an awkward thumbs-up. Claudia and Noah nodded their assent.

I jumped when an alien head smacked the ground by my feet. I whirled around to glare at Adam. “You scared me!”

“That was my plan all along.” Adam stripped the rest of the alien costume off, and I was stunned by the sight of him. His red t-shirt was several shades darker than it should have been and clung to him like a second skin. “If I had any idea how gross I was going to be after this, I might have insisted we come up with a different gimmick.”

“I don’t think you’re gross,” I said. Then I quickly added, “No more so than usual, anyway.”

On the other side of the room, the door swung open as the rest of our friends stepped outside.

Adam snorted. “That’s good, I suppose.” He ran a hand through his hair, only to pull it away again with a look of disgust plastered on his face. He wiped his hand on his jeans and shook his head. “If that’s the case, then maybe...” Adam trailed off as he twisted his fingers together.

My heart took off in my chest. His stance, and the tension in his voice, filled me with the sort of hope I’d been trying so valiantly to tamp down. “Maybe what?” I asked, and yes, that cautious hope leaked into my words.

His shoulders relaxed as his hands fell to his sides. A soft smile crossed his face. “Well, I’d been wanting to ask you to spend Valentine’s Day with me, and I thought it would be best to wait until after we finished filming this. I hoped you might think it was cute or something. I didn’t consider the possibility that I’d be dripping on the floor right now.”

I laughed as a warm, pleasant feeling bubbled up in my chest. “If it helps, I won’t count that against you. Just don’t wear that costume on Valentine’s Day, okay?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Adam said, his smile back in full force.

There was an extra bounce in my step as I walked home that afternoon. My thoughts were wrapped up in Valentine’s Day and how our masquerade of a dating show had somehow resulted in an actual date. What were the odds?

The End

L.G. Keltner has been attempting to write novels since she was six. None of those early attempts were any good, but her passion for writing remained strong. She graduated from Drake University in 2008, and she lives in Iowa with her husband and children. L.G. writes mostly science fiction, though she also enjoys writing humorous young adult stories.

http://lgkeltner.blogspot.com/

https://twitter.com/LGKeltner/

https://w**************m/LGKeltner/