My Christmas Valentine

Yearning

♥ Shane ♥

I closed my locker and rested my forehead against the cold metal for a second. The gym had finally gone quiet. The last client had left, the music was off, and only the low hum of the air conditioning remained. Behind the locker door, in the small shelf above my spare shoes, the ring box sat tucked into an old sweatshirt. Out of sight, but very much not out of mind. It felt strange to leave it here, but it also felt safer than keeping it at our place, where Megan might stumble across it. At Ironworks, only staff used this room. The code on the door and the habit of routine made it feel secure. Still, every time I thought about it, my stomach tightened. I straightened, grabbed my jacket, and forced myself to walk away from the locker. I headed out, and the air outside was cold enough to sting my lungs. Christmas lights along the main road blinked in slow patterns. Shop windows glowed. For a moment, I just stood there and let the chill sink in. In less than three weeks, I planned to be on one knee in front of Megan with that ring in my hand. The thought filled me with excitement and a very real fear that I would somehow mess it up.

“Let’s go…” I muttered as I hurried toward the apartment I shared with Megan. But my mind was far from quiet. I kept trying to picture the moment and what I would say. I imagined the living room, still decorated. The tree. The quiet. The words. But every time I practiced in my head, the speech sounded stiff. Megan didn’t need a big speech. She needed the truth. That part, at least, felt easy. I finally reached the apartment building and headed inside. The warmth was welcome, and I took the stairs two at a time. When I unlocked the door, I saw Megan in the kitchen.

“You are late,” she said as she glanced over her shoulder at me. I frowned, but shut the door behind me.

“Class ran over,” I said. “Someone discovered a new love for planks,” normally, that kind of comment from me would earn a joke. Tonight, she just nodded and turned her attention back to the food she had on the stone. The shift was small, but I felt it. “Everything ok?” I asked as I shrugged off my jacket.

“Yes,” she said. “Dinner is almost ready,” the words were right, but the tone was off. I glanced around. The tree in the corner glowed with white lights and silver ornaments. A grocery bag stood half unpacked on the counter. Something simmered on the stove, filling the room with the smell of tomatoes and herbs. Luna wound around my ankles and then jumped onto the back of the couch as if she owned the place. Which she did. Megan stirred the pot with a focus that seemed a bit too intense for pasta sauce.

“Long day?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “The bakery was full. Then I went shopping with Amy,”

“That explains the extra bags,” I said. “How is she?” at that, Megan’s expression softened. She turned down the heat and leaned back against the counter.

“She is pregnant,” she said. I couldn’t help but smile. “She told me in the middle of the turkey aisle. She looked like she was about to cry and laugh at the same time,” warmth moved through me. I pictured Caleb with that dazed look he had worn at the café.

“Yeah, Caleb told me the other day. It’s great news. He told me he felt like he had the biggest job in the world. This makes it real,”

“It does,” she said. “She already keeps touching her stomach without realizing it,” her eyes grew distant for a second, then her gaze dropped back to the pot. She picked up the spoon again, though the sauce didn’t need more stirring. The change in her face pulled my attention back to the first thing I had sensed when I walked in.

“And after that?” I asked gently. “You said shopping and then home. Anything else?” she paused. The spoon stopped halfway through a circle.

“Yes,” she said. “We ran into someone in the parking lot,”

“Who?” I asked curiously. She set the spoon down and faced me fully.

“Brendan,” she said. The name hit harder than I wanted to admit. A heavy weight dropped into my chest.

“Brendan,” I repeated, as if there was another Brendan in Rockland she might mean. She nodded.

“He was near the trolleys. I almost dropped the potatoes,” a laugh wanted to rise at that, but jealousy pushed over it. I turned and leaned my hip against the opposite counter, putting some space between us so she didn’t have to look up too far.

“What was he doing here?” I asked. My voice sounded even, but I felt my jaw tighten.

“He is back in town for a while,” she said. “He met someone on a dating app. Her name is Alice. They have been talking for months. He only found out recently that she lives here,” I stared at her.

“Here as in Rockland,”

“Yes,” she said.

“So, he matched with someone who lives in his hometown without knowing it,” I said slowly.

“Exactly,” she said. “He sounded…surprised. Happy, I think,” the idea of Brendan walking around the same streets, going to the same shops, living in the same town again without me knowing churned in my stomach.

“Are they serious?” I asked. I hated how fast the question came.

“He didn’t say it like that,” she said. “But he talked about her in a way that felt different. He said things feel easy with her. That she makes him want to put roots down,” something sharp moved through my chest. I remembered the way he had left. The promotion, the travel, the silence. The way Megan had waited and compromised until there had been nothing left to reshape.

“And that makes you feel…what?” I asked. She looked at me carefully.

“Strange,” she admitted. “Not hurt exactly. More like…aware…” images I didn’t want filled my mind. Brendan and Megan bumping into each other. I pushed a hand through my hair and exhaled slowly. “Say something,” she said softly.

“I am trying not to say something stupid,” I answered honestly. “That is why I am quiet,” a small smile tugged at her mouth.

“You are allowed to feel whatever you feel,”

“I know,” I said. “Right now, I feel jealous, and I don’t like that feeling very much,” her eyes softened. She stepped closer and rested her palms against my chest, just above my heart.

“Jealous of what?” she asked.

“The idea of him near you again,” I said. There was no point in dressing it up. “Of him walking into your day when I am not there. Of him having any version of your attention, even if it is just surprise in a car park,” Megan stared up at me.

“You know I am with you,” she said. “I am here, not back there,” I placed my hands over hers, and the contact steadied me.

“I know,” I said. “I can hear that. It is just that he and I are never going to be simple in my head. He hurt you. I came in at the end of that. Sometimes I still feel like I am standing in the space he left behind, even though I know that is not the full truth,” she shook her head.

“You are not a replacement,” she said. “You are a whole new chapter. He was the ending to something that already didn’t fit,” something loosened in my chest at that.

“Do you want to see him again?” I asked quietly.

“I don’t plan to seek him out,” she said. “But Rockland is small. I will probably see him with Alice at some point. If that happens, I will be polite. That is all,” I nodded. That was the answer I had expected. It still pressed against something inside me.

“I wish he had stayed away,” I admitted.

“Me too,” she said. “For the sake of simplicity,” we stood there for a moment in the small kitchen, hands pressed together, sauce simmering behind her. The everyday sounds grounded the conversation. Brendan was back in Rockland with someone new. Fine. He could build whatever life he wanted here. I would be busy building mine with Megan. I just had to hope that when the past brushed against the present, our future stayed as solid as it felt in my hands right now.

♥ ♥ ♥