Diary of Ivory Black

Chapter 13: If I Could Tell Her

    Violet didn’t sleep last night. And it appears that she won’t be sleeping anytime soon either. The brunette sighed, before resuming her work once more. She was very thankful that Camilla had gotten too tired last night and suggested they moved the meeting time. Which meant more working hours, but also meant more hours of not sleeping.

    But Violet was used to staying late, she could go almost a week without sleep. But lately she’s been more exhausted than usual, and she had been very easy to fatigue lately. And despite her lying to everyone that she was fine, she was far from fine.

    “Was this really worth it?” She asked herself once more, repeating the question in her head like a broken cassette.

    It was currently dawn. The sun was still steadily climbing up the horizon, and light has yet to fully reached her window. She watched as the large glowing sphere rose slowly into the dull morning sky. Casting sunbeams in every direction while it illuminated the small town. The brunette stared out the glass panes as the colors made by the rising sun changed, growing more vivid with the passing time. Making the sky more radiant as it climbed higher and higher into the sky. But as beautiful as the morning was she knew today would be horrible, namely because of Camilla.

    “You have one new voicemail.”

     Ah, speak of the devil.

    “Sup b***h? Since last night’s meeting was canceled, I suggest we meet up today! Same place, same time. How’s that sound? Not that I care about your opinions. Well, that all has I have to say. Toodles! Oh, and don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone!”

    And with that, the voicemail ended, and Violet was left with silence and more pressure. She’s only down to fifty entries, and all things she’s seen made it almost impossible to keep reading. It felt like robbing someone of their most precious valuables, and for a few times, she thought that she was doing exactly that.

    Violet stopped in her tracks and began lifting up the “important” pile of papers she’s sorted out. About 30% of the diary was that pile alone, and she wasn’t even done yet. She took a deep breath and started skimming through the pages.

    And dear God, she regretted it.

     Log 3. 12

    You never saw the things as they did. You could never identify with the crowd. For you spoke to the moon and the stars. For you were the stubborn heart that couldn’t stop believing in magic. People called you lost and you smiled for you were always seeking the things they couldn’t comprehend. Mei...Your very name speaks to my heart.

    God, I wish I could tell you this right now! I will though...Someday.

    Ivory. B

    Log 3. 24

    What could I possibly do when my heart is slowly shattering for you, Mei? When there’s this burning in my heart, and sparks lighting up the dark? Believe me, I just want to learn what it is about the hidden fire inside your soul. That makes its way inside my chest, preventing me from getting rest. Would you ever take my hands to keep me warm, and keep me safe?

    Ivory. B

    Log 3. 36

    I don’t know why, but no matter how many times we go our separate ways, and no matter how badly you treat me, I always find myself coming back to you. I’m a fool for love.

    Ivory. B

    Log 3. 40

    And the funny thing is that every time I was with you, the rest of the world faded into obscurity. And every time I was with you, I felt like I had all I need.

    Ivory. B

    And that wasn’t even the worst of them. But what is worse was that Violet didn’t stop reading it. No, she read them over and over and over again. Staring into each word like it was a barrel of a gun, pointed right at her.

    “I love your hair, I love the way you smile, I love the way you talk and the passion in your eyes.” Violet recited one of the lines in the entry, laughing with sorrow with each breath she took.

    “I love how you seem to always know what to do. You’re cunning but soft. You’re passionate but gentle. You’re a mystery I’m inspired to solve.” Violet continued, before realizing that she’d lost her voice mid sentence.

    Her hands started shaking as she slowly set the papers down, slightly crumpled. Her hands found their way to her hair, and they slowly made their way to her scalp. She instinctively pulled on the roots of her hair, and she couldn’t help but let the words that she had read repeat themselves inside her head. Those thoughts, they will continue to echo inside her broken and for a very long time.

    Though, the sudden ring of her mobile phone did manage to snap her off of her thoughts momentarily. Violet took a deep breath then closed her eyes in a desperate attempt to compose herself. She then grabbed her phone and took a quick glance at the caller id, presuming that it was Camilla again.

    “Mei.” She read to herself. And suddenly she was back in the darkest place in the universe, where all the loud echoes of what she’d read would sound the loudest. And hurt the most.

    But nevertheless, she answered the call.

    “Sup, Mei?” Violet said to the caller, fighting back the urge to slam her phone to the ground and burn it with the diary she’s about to rip apart.

    “Hey, Violet.” The caller said, her voice monotone. Somewhat restrained, almost doubtful.

    “Why’d you call?” Violet asked, finding more composure with each breath she took. “You can do this Violet.” She thought to herself, desperately trying to cancel out the echo of bad thoughts in the back of her mind.

    “Oh, about Ivory. And you know, the dairy thing.” Mei replied, her voice soft and hushed.

    “Oh,” Violet said shortly, taking a moment to take a deep breath before continuing. “Ask away.”

    “Ok,” The voice said, before continuing. “Did you or did you not read the diary?”

    Things got quiet for a moment. Mei was anxiously anticipating an answer, yet Violet was too mortified to give her any. It was a stalemate. It’s either she lies, or tell the truth. And after careful thinking, Violet decided that she should tell the truth.

    Why? Because who the hell could lie to Mei after reading what Violet had read? Besides, Ivory’s dead. It’s not like Violet had anyone to actually compete with.

    “No,” Violet spoke on the phone. “Wait, no! That wasn’t what I want to-” Violet thought to herself, but her thoughts were quickly interrupted by Mei.

    “Really?” Mei questioned, her voice a bit shaky.

    “Yes,” Violet replied calmly. “No! Violet what the hell are you doing!?” Violet’s inner voice screamed at her as she replied to Mei.

    “Oh, okay.” Mei sighed. “Though, what if you hypothetically lied to me?”

    “Well, I presume you’re going to kill me.” Violet joked, “Or worse, you’re going to hate me.”

    “None of that will happen to you,” Mei chuckled, “I could never be mad at you.”

    “So, what’s this about?” Violet asked, trying to steer them back to the intended topic.

    “Well, I haven’t read the diary myself. So I suppose that’s it.” Mei disclosed, “Bye, Violet.”

    “Bye, Mei,” Violet replied. And with that, the call had ended.

    Violet slumped back into her chair, glancing back at the diary entries. “What have I done?”

    Violet was now anxiously pacing back and forth in her room. Her mind had been clouded with reckless thoughts such as, "What have I done!?", And, "Why did I do that?".

    But of course, she already knew the answer to those questions. Of course, it would always be better to pretend. Though it seemed to quite be an occupational hazard that anyone who has spent their life learning how to lie, because they would always eventually become bad at telling the truth.

    Violet sighed, "I just dug myself into my own grave."

    She haphazardly fiddled with her fingers, imagining the eventual situation where Mei founds out about this, and all the possible consequences to come with it. Violet couldn't help but imagine the worse, despite Mei's assurance back with the phone call.

    Though Violet had experienced this before, and she's proven herself to be quite well at handling this sort of thing before. Sure, Mei was a new case, but same difference. She'll get through this. She always does.

    But then she realized once more of the truth she's withdrawing from Mei. She glanced back to the pile of entries on her wooden desk, then winced at the sight.

    The echo of what she'd read was suddenly amplified, leaving Violet helpless. Because, who was she going to turn to this time?

    Because, as much as she's been denying it, she was jealous. She never had what Ivory had with Mei. And if Ivory ever got the chance to confess, Mei would undoubtedly say yes. Those two have been friends longer, and Ivory was almost like a better version of her. Or worse, she's just a bad rendition of Ivory to Mei. But no matter how much she is jealous, she couldn't help but feel that they belong together. She couldn't help but want to tell Mei.

    She wants to tell her all the wonderful things Ivory had wrote about her. All the compliments, flattery, and beautiful things Ivory had written a bout, Mei. It was so sweet that it hurt.

    All the things Ivory had written, it resonated with Violet. Though her feelings might not be exactly the same as Ivory, but she understood. And the way Ivory writes her feelings almost makes it as of she was still here.

    "Oh, Mei," Violet thought to herself, "If only you knew."

    And before she knew it, she was talking to herself once more.

    "To me, there's nothing like your smile, and the way your eyes glimmer like the stars."

    "To her, you'd never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel."

    "And we knew, that you'd always hide that smile of yours beneath your shiny locks of hair."

    "I noticed, that whenever you get bored, you'd hum silly songs from somewhere I'd never known."

    "But she knew, that she made those songs for you. And she'd play her guitar as you hum."

    "She knows that you'd be the last to lose your cool over anything."

    "Yet, I've wondered how did you stay so composed in the midst of it all."

    But they kept it all inside their heads, what they saw they kept unsaid. And though they wanted to they couldn't talk to her.They'd never find the way. "But she would always say, 'God, I wish I could tell you this now! But I will though...Someday.' as she signs her name down."

    "If I could tell her, I would too," Violet mumbled to herself, finding justification upon her actions, as she finds herself relating more and more to her deceased friend. Violet grunted as she sat down on the side of her bed, before letting her body connect with the mattress. Her mind was at war.

    "If I tell her, she'll hate me."

    "But if I do, she'll get the closure she needs."

    "To the feelings she most likely never had. And besides, it'll probably amplify her loss.”

    "Nevertheless, she deserves to know!"

    She was shouting at herself, inside her own mind. A pointless argument to be honest. Because nevertheless, she'll have to go through with the lie. Too late to turn back now.

    "Mei, I need you to come see this!" Joseph exclaimed from outside the house.

    "See what?" Mei replied with curiosity as she slowly exited her room, leaving her project unattended.

    "Just come out the front door!" He exclaimed once more as he slowly moved closer to the odd sight.

    "You okay?" He asked once more to the woman, who's been standing in front of their door for the whole morning.

    "Just get Mei for me, okay?" She said once more, her voice hushed and coarse as she held on tighter to the red book. He finds the sight of the book very familiar.

    "Dad, what's going on?" Mei asked as she exited the front door, only to meet her dad and Anna, who was utterly exhausted and shaking from the night's cold.

    “Anna!” Mei blurted as she ran to the shivering woman, “What happened?”

    “Adriane…” Was all the woman could mutter as she slowly slumped down to the ground out of exhaustion, her vision going dark soon after.

    She was too tired to resist, as Joseph and Mei hastily carried her into the house, and lay her down on their living room couch. Though she still has enough energy to hold on to Ivory’s diary when Joseph tried to take it away from her grasp. She listened intently to their incoherent mumbles, slowly fading away as her consciousness drifts away to rest.

    “What did you think to happen?” Joseph asked intently, as he glanced back at the red book Anna was holding.

    “I don’t know.” Mei blurted as she shifts in her position.

    “Do you think they fought?” He asked once more, “You know, Anna and her sister.”

    “I-I think so.” Mei stammered, still trying to grasp what has happened. She kept thinking of what would happen if she’d stay longer at Anna’s house yesterday. Would things have been better? Or would it escalate? Would they harm her as they fight? What were they fighting about?

    “It’s not your fault,” Joseph suddenly said, snapping Mei out of her thoughts. “You know that, right?” He asked with an assuring tone.

    “I…Maybe?” Mei answered, doubtful.

    “No one could’ve prevented what they did.” He stated, “If anything, prevention would only escalate things.”

    “You think so?” Mei reply.

    “Oh yeah, I’ve seen this before,” Joseph said with a chuckle. “And judging by their behavior, they’ve been doing this sort of thing for a long time.”

    “But they were so nice to each other before.” Mei insisted.

    “Some people learn to mask their problems over time.” He explained.

    Mei couldn’t help but glance back at the diary Anna was currently holding as if it was Ivory herself. It was blood-red like the one she currently has, though this one looked more worn out. And not to mention that it had the number two embossed in black on its front cover. That means there’s probably one more, somewhere. She couldn’t help but let a thought cross her mind, “Did Ivory plan this?”

    “I need to go.” Mei suddenly said as she slowly heads back to the front door, taking the time to grab a random coat from the coat hanger, in case it would rain.

    “Go? Go where?” Her father asked, worried and somewhat angry at how Mei was taking all of this.

    “Just…Somewhere.” Mei said in a soft tone as she grabbed the door handle.

    “Alright, just…Be safe.” Her father said as he rubbed her head. And with that, she was off. To who knows where.

    Joseph sighed, and he was about to head for the kitchen before he suddenly heard a grunt from the living room.

    “Anna?”

    “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine!” She quickly exclaimed, as she quickly dusted herself off, in an attempt to make her appearance somewhat presentable. “I don’t want to bother you too much, so I’ll just be going now.” She stammered as she quickly went for the door.

    “No. You’re too exhausted to go back.” He quickly pointed out as he held on to her arm. A pitiful way to hold someone back.

    “Look, it’s super important for me to go back. Ok?” Anna insisted. Joseph could only sigh as he kept hold of her arm.

    “At least have breakfast.” He quickly negotiated. To which Anna quickly nodded as they both slowly head to the kitchen.

    “How did you get up so quickly?” He suddenly asked as he took another bite of his waffle. Finally breaking the long and awkward silence.

    “I have three jobs, Joseph,” Anna replied, “I’m used to three hours of sleep already.”

    “Just not when I’m this worn out.” She quickly added.

    “What made you so worn out then?” He asked once more, curious.

    “I just ran a five-kilometer marathon to your house in the middle of the night,” Anna replied, in an attempt to end the conversation.

    “Well, what made you came here?” Joseph pointed out, Anna could only laugh dryly.

    “I just came her to give this to Mei.” She said as she passed the second diary to him.

    “Why?” Joseph asked as he observed the book.

    “Because Adriane would hurt anyone to get this,” Anna elaborated, “Just not Mei, for some reason.”

    “Well, I better hide this and pray for my life.” Joseph jokingly remarked as he kept the book on his side of the table.

    And once more, the room went quiet. Anna stared intensely at her bowl of cereal, still untouched. She was hungry, but she has no appetite to eat. Joseph seemed to notice but stayed quiet anyway. Anna secretly thanks him for that.

    Though, now that she’s thought about it, Joseph was a bit off. Ever since this whole diary shenanigan had happened, he hasn’t really had time to do anything else. He just sort of stared from the background, like a comedic token character in a mystery novel.

    Well, it won’t hurt if she asked. Right?

    “How are you?” Anna blurted, unsure of how else she should be approaching this. She looked up to see Joseph’s expression, seemingly understanding of what she’s intending to do.

    “With all of this?” He replied, “Not very well.”

    “I thought Mei was getting better, now I’m not sure anymore.” He elaborated.

    “And?” She said, “What else?”

    “Her friends are…They have good intentions, I’m sure.” He said, “But I don’t think they’re helping Mei anymore., plus they have their own problems to deal with.

    “They’re trying their best, despite their mental state,” Anna intruded, “But I understand what you mean.”

    “Olive is good for Mei, that’s no doubt. But Violet? I’m not so sure.” Anna added. “But at least give them a chance, that’s all I’m saying.”

    “I will,” Joseph replied, “But that’s not all.”

    Anna quirked a brow.

    “There’s also you and Adriane,” He raised his voice a bit more than necessary. “I don’t even know what you two do in your spare time, but both of you need to stop trying to kill each other.”

    “We'll burn that bridge when we cross it.” Anna shrugged. “It’s been years, and our situation hasn’t really gotten a closure just yet.” She added.

    “I understand, but please do not endanger my daughter,” He said sternly, “I will kill you if anything happens to her.”

    “I promise on my life, nothing will happen to Mei,” Anna said, crossing her heart.

    The hill was quiet. Silence lay like a down-filled duvet over the lonely escape, muffling the slightest sound and creating an atmosphere of total silence. The quietness was almost tangible, there was only a slight rustle of clothing, and Mei’s slow and almost inaudible breathing, even the once rustling trees and bushes settling was stilled as though to order.

    But one thing’s for certain for now, Mei hates silence.

    She was now sitting at the groups usual campfire place, the smell of ash and fire still prominent. She stayed still, not knowing what to do, or why was this the first place she’d thought of when she left. She was just…There. Idle. Still.

    The silence began morphing her mind, guiding it to a dark and forbidden place. She hated the way her mind was changed after the incident, but she guessed that she’ll have to live with this. So, she let her mind drift away. Something she very rarely does, and would always avoid these days.

    She lets her mind travel far far away, further amplifying her most bizarre and twisted thoughts. Scenarios and theories began playing on their own inside her mind, like a stage play with no script. She watched idly as the scenery before her, slowly change into something else. More accurately, somewhere else.

    She’d imagine Anna and Adriane fighting, right after she closed their front door to leave. And she imagined Anna, running as far away as possible from her own house to get away from Adriane, the diary in her hand. She then watched as the scene changes into Violet in her room, reading the diary with intent and curiosity. She then watched once more, as she imagined Olive shuffling around in her bed helplessly as she tries to be rid of her nightmares.

    She took a deep breath, then exhaled heavily. No, she won’t cry. Not yet, not here.

    But then her mind suddenly took her somewhere else. She was back at the campfire place. But at the same time, she’s not. She stared at the now lit campfire, watching the flames dance and tangle in a familiar tango. The familiar colors and smell began to enrapture her in her own fantasies. But then, behind the fire, Ivory. She was on the other side, smiling as the fire between them danced along to their heartbeats.

    She watched the scene change once more, as she was now viewing their usual firecracker show, watching the massive explosions of color dissolve into the air. Beside her was once again, Ivory. Smiling, holding her hand, her eyes lost in her own.

    “Watashi o oboete imasu ka?” Ivory said, smiling.

    “How could I possibly forget you?” Mei said with a chuckle, fighting back her own tears.

    “How is everyone?” She asked calmly as if this was their average conversation.

    “They’re…Not too well.” Mei said slowly. She let her eyes trail off, slowly discovering Ivory’s crash wounds. Though they were still bandaged, she couldn’t help but imagine the cuts and bruises that lay underneath them.

    They were still red and still oozing blood as if they were new. Though some aren’t exactly new. She watched intently as a pool of blood starts to gather in her own palm, as a result of holding Ivory’s. Ivory noticed, and quickly retracted her right hand away and rubbed its palm with her left thumb.

    “Sorry.” She mumbled.

    “No, it’s fine.” Mei insisted though it doesn’t seem to unease her old friend.

    Everything went silent for a while. They both watched the night sky, still adorned with their various firecrackers. But Mei couldn’t help but glance a few times at Ivory’s wounds.

    “Do they still hurt?” She asked suddenly.

    “I’ll get used to it.” Ivory replied, smiling as she continues to rub the scar on her right hand. Mei secretely wonders how she might’ve gotten it.

    “Exactly what you would say.” Mei thought to herself as she meets Ivory’s eyes. Observing them carefully as she recognizes the warm and familiar feeling she always had if she stares at them for too long.

    Mei stared back at the sky, Ivory followed. They both watched the firecrackers calmly, consciously moving next to each other as they do so. Mei wanted to hold Ivory’s hands again, but Ivory still seemed uneasy about it, so she refrained from doing that.

    Once more, silence. Not enough sound. Not enough to block out Mei’s hurricane of thoughts. She’s starting to feel uneasy. She needs to pour out all the thoughts she could before she explodes. Luckily, she was with Ivory. So there’s no need to hold back.

    “I found your diary.” Mei suddenly said.

    “Oh.” Ivory said, looking back at Mei. “Good.”

    “What’s inside it?” She asked once more as she rested her head on Ivory’s shoulders.

    “Stuff.” Her friend said simply.

    “Yeah, but what kind of stuff?” Mei said with a chuckle.

    “Why don’t you read it yourself?” Ivory asked with a chuckle.

    “I did, but not all of it,” Mei admitted.

    “Ah, well that’s a shame.” Ivory remarked she nudged her friend's shoulders.

    Again, silence.

    “What should I do?” Mei asked once more.

    “Your best.” Ivory stated. Mei glanced back at Ivory to see if she was kidding, only to find Ivory’s face slowly deteriorating. Rotting.

    Mei jumped back, she watched in horror as her friend's whole body starts to rot and fall apart. Her eyes slowly trail to Ivory’s face, still smiling. Panic starts rushing through her veins as she desperately tries to hold up Ivory’s rotting body, struggling to even hold her friend upright.

    “Ivory, what should I do!?” Mei shouted in panic as she watched her surroundings slowly rotting away. The trees were slowly aging and soon became wasted away. The firecrackers had turned into a thick suffocating smoke. It’s foul smell quickly reaching Mei and suffocating her.

    The ground was slowly turning into mud, and she watched as the piece of wood they were sitting on slowly sink down. Mei’s hands were shaking, she instinctively called for help. But of course, nobody came.

    She looked back at Ivory. She watched in dismay as her friend's outer skin starts to slowly fall apart.

    “Ivy! Ivy! Ivy!” Mei exclaimed, shaking her friend’s shoulders, “What should I do!? Please let me help you!”

    “It’s too late for me,” Ivory said with a chuckle. Mei couldn’t believe that Ivory could still be laughing in a time like this. Smilling casually as she slowly dies and falls apart in Mei’s hands.

    Mei’s mind was in complete disarray. Her thoughts were scattered and broken, until the point, she doesn’t even know what to say anymore. So she decided to everything she could think of. In hopes of somehow slowing down the process.

    “What should I do?”

    “How can I help?”

    “Please stay with me!”

    “Don’t die again! Please.”

    “Please don’t leave me again!”

    “Why are you doing this!?”

    “I didn’t mean it to end up like this.” Was all Ivory muttered as the last few bits of her turned to mud.

    Mei screamed as she slowly bursts into tears. She watched as her surroundings turned back to normal. The sky was blue, the sun shining intensely above her as little clouds danced with the wind. She was on the ground, her hands stained with dirt and ash.

    She was back.

    “Mei!” A voice shouted from down the hill. Mei cleaned herself up as much as she could, before going down the hill.

    “Olive? And…Dad?” Mei said as she quirked a brow.

    “Yeah, we figured you’d be here.” Her father said with a chuckle.

    “Pretty obvious to be honest,” Olive added with a shrug.

    Mei couldn’t help but laugh at the two. Because, honestly, was she really that predictable to them. Even when she couldn’t predict herself? But then, Mei suddenly noticed that they were both holding a red book, one on each person.

    “Why…” Her words trailed off as her eyes found themselves on the sight of the two familiar books.

    “You have to read them.” Olive said sternly, “You need to know.”

    “Trust me, It’ll help.” Her father chimed in as they both handed the books to her.

    “Did any of you-”

    “No, we didn’t read them.” Olive quickly answered. Mei glanced at her father, nodding at Olive’s answer in approval.

    “Oh, and here.” Her father suddenly said as he handed Mei her usual bag. Filled with Mei’s necessary needs like water, her axe, and a flashlight.

    “Now go to that hill of solitude of yours and get reading.” Olive teased.

    “Thank you.” Mei beamed, before running back up the hill. Olive and Joseph went back to the car, it’s time to drive Olive back home.

    “Don’t stay up too late!” Her father shouted as Mei ran back up the hill. He hopes that she heard that.

    Olive and Joseph went back to the car, it’s time to drive Olive back home. They were both very tired, especially Olive.

    “You could’ve handed those to Mei yourself,” Olive said as they drove, “You know that, right?”

    “Yeah,” Joseph shrugged, “But I need you for moral support.”

    Olive chuckled, “Sure thing Mr. White.”