YOUR SHAURI

BROKEN FREE

In Africa, as woman, for most communities, you were raised to become a wife. It is not easy for the society to just let you live your life as a woman without judging you harshly especially if you are about twenty five years and not married or should you choose to walk out of a dysfunctional marriage. To most of us in Africa, a typical African woman is seen as successful only when she cannot question a man. At the moment, most African men are easily seen on social media saying times are tough and that they cannot be the sole providers like it used to be traditionally. On the other hand, they get annoyed when women also say that times have changed and they cannot be seen as successful and respectful only when they can help the man catch a break from African traditional expectation of the man, which is being the sole provider, and at the same time keep being the design of a woman which was meant to clean, cook, raise children and take in any bullshit that a man throws her way. In fact, word on the street has it that what an African man means by having a peaceful wife who does not nag simply translates to having a wife who can let him cheat in peace and not question him. In Africa, when you are a woman, when you hear a man quote the Bible or traditional beliefs before passing you his message, run and do not look back. Allow me to rant about my motherland. Recently, our men came up with a criteria of choosing women who are marriageable. According to them, they do not want the high maintenance woman. They want the one who cares less about her looks, the one who does not mind breaking her back, the one who does not question a man. They still want to be respected for being born men, something they did not apply for, can you imagine!

Very few women so far have noticed them and are so much bent to making this cycle end. Apiyo is one of these women. She will not be like the women who went ahead of us who broke their backs carrying the African demi god-the man. If she was ever going to get into the union of marriage, she was never going to get into it for the sake of the society but for her. She always said that a marriage should be a vacation. In vacations, everything does not have to be perfect. Sometimes there are hiccups here and there but whatever happened after the little challenge is what always matters. Apiyo believes that marriage should be quantity over quality; that it must not be a till death do us part. She believes that even if a marriage took only two weeks of happiness, where two adults felt like they have hit the road, they should peacefully call it quits until an African woman is able to find a man  who is able to work things out with her. She is always shocked whenever she hears an African woman say how she has been in marriage for many years despite the very many women her husband has made her fight with. Most African women value the years in the marriage and not the life and peace that it comes with. For Apiyo, an ideal marriage is one which does not require you to lose your voice as an African woman. She envies the women from the West. To Apiyo, the African woman is being short changed; her value mostly lies with the ability to worship a man and put his needs ahead of hers.

A few months ago, before she could 'see the light', Apiyo was dating some man who believed he was a typical African and that he should never lift a finger around the house as that would make him look like something was not okay with his head. Since Apiyo had the society to prove to that she is marriageable, with her own parents being the cheer leaders of the society squad, she would come from work, cook, clean and do all things house chores just to fit in. At the end of everyday, she would go to bed very tired and still, her man would still expect 'fireworks' in bed. You know, relationships are sweet especially where two people serve each other. Many Africans keep asking why their marriages do not last like those of their grandparents. They forget that when the girlchild's right to education was granted, books changed her world view. Most African men will hate the current empowered African woman but the truth is they hate her because they can no longer misuse her like they used to. My fellow African brothers and sisters should realize that getting into marriage for free domestic labor like African men used to do before is wrong, my fellow African women should also know that getting into marriage because you are running away from financial responsibilities is also wrong. If you are a man getting into marriage expecting free domestic labor, you will be disappointed when you cant get it from your woman since to you, a wife is a source of free labor. It will not even make sense to you that she also contributes financially, what will make you see her as a worthy wife is seeing her breaking her back without you helping since to you, women are not supposed to catch a break from breaking their backs in the name of keeping a home. On the other hand, if you are a woman who gets into marriage as a poverty eradication scheme, you will never notice when yo have a good man. To you, provided he provides then he deserves your respect that way. To you it will not matter whether he is helping around the house , whether he has got a good heart, or whether he is a man with potential to perform financially better in future, to you, if he does not solely provide then he is not ,man enough, which is not right. Both parties should rather get into marriage eager to make their contribution towards it and not eager to see what the other party can offer them. Having all this information in mind, Apiyo was sure she wanted marriage but not one where a lot is always expected of the African woman.

Love had given Apiyo what we call character development. This is where you go into love with a lot of joy and happiness only to come back looking like a typical African child whose mother just caught stealing a peace of meat from the pot. Women are always being advised to kiss many frogs before reaching the prince yet Apiyo clearly had a cocktail of different animals which she not only kissed, but also broke her back for hoping it would all end in marriage just so she would get her parents and the society off her back. Apiyo was tired of directing all her energy towards finding a man so she could fit in. One evening when her mother called her to ask if she had gotten someone, she proudly told her mama that she had decided to pronounce herself wife, the husband will come when he does. What she went through before she came to learn that being a woman and a complete one at that does not require a man by your side, really introduced her to the world. That break up with Daudi revealed to her that one does not have to be religious in order to speak in tongues. For twenty minutes straight she spoke in a language that even a thousand years from now no one unborn, living and dead will ever come close to translating a single word that came from her mouth. My dear reader, believe me when I tell you that after a live electric wire, hot porridge and the government, fear heart breaks or love in general.

Apiyo decided to just look for someone to pass time with. She wanted a tall, dark and handsome man to just make the days pass by very slowly. Yes she had her toys to come to her aid whenever she felt like she needed to feel good, but, which woman in her rightful mind would want her house sounding like a barber shop every now and then?. She had come to learn that you can never be complete as an African woman if at all you cared about what the society thinks about you. She had finally broken free and decided to live life by he own terms. That right there is true freedom. James came her way, not what she actually wanted but she would work with what was available. She made him Understand that it was going to be a no strings attached kind of relationship. They would meet only when both wEre thirsty, drink of each other then go their separate ways. James was in, that sounded like a viable plan. Very few African women live life on their own terms. Most care about what the society thinks of them. A,s women what they do not know is that the society actually does not care, people in it just talk because that is what people do, if you let them get into your head, then you will be destroying yourself just to please people who dont care as much as you have been made to believe.