YOUR SHAURI

NEVER BETTER.

After stalking her teenage crush for quite some time, Gweth promised herself that this time round she would shoot her shot, if she dies, then she dies. Besides we never know what will happen if we don't try, right? She felt a fire in her soul. She saw herself working on her way back into the life of she who fist opened her heart to love. One thing that Gweth loved about Apiyo was her strong personality. Maybe she believed that if only she could make Apiyo see her then her strong personality would not drag her back to the closet like her previous lovers. She wanted her so bad. She always has. She was willing to forget her two month old breakup as fast as a typical African can exclaim 'haaaa!' just to have a short moment of attraction between her and Apiyo.

What if she harshly turns me down? What if she still thinks of me as crazy? After letting her know what I feel, will things remain the same? Where should I begin? Go over to her place for a visit? Should I invite her over first? Will she agree to come over to a student hostel? after all these years, she will be coming to see me as who? Many questions in Gweth's mind. She was right. You don't just text a woman full of herself to come see you or tell her you are inviting her over for lunch or dinner, she wasn't starving; at least trying to walk through Apiyo's mind, that would be her answer. It doesn't matter what angle anyone would choose to advice Gweth from, you can never advice a woman in love, you just let her experience it herself then after being burnt by the flame she was chasing after, you tell her 'But this right here was my point all along, your heart has got only one function on this earth; pump blood. " Gweth's previous love affairs ended because of fear of being ridiculed or being seen as the odd one out on her ex lovers sides. Being gay in Africa requires a strong heart ,requires people who have decided to walk their paths not caring what the society will think. Gweth had previously tried dating a boy back in high school and it did not end well. It was during this time that she confirmed with herself that she was designed differently. She kept trying for the society but it would not just work out. It took Gweth quite some time to accept herself, to teach herself and to finally to introduce her true self to a very judgmental society. Her friends avoided her for a while till they noticed she did not care. Funny how the world can choose to celebrate you once you fiercely choose to walk your truth.

"Morning Apiyo, I lost your number, mind sending it to me?" Gweth started casting her net right inside Apiyo's i********:. She immediately logged out feeling anxious. She highly hoped to get a reply. This here, was the one person she had wanted so much, this right here would be a game changer. Maybe she was one of those people who were attracted to toxic. She was like a moth, would rather burn in the fire than be normal without it. Yes her past two lovers were still in the closet and would rather die pleasing the society than living fully and truly. She on the other hand believed that the society could not dictate to her how to lay her life terms. She was always the one who started her two relationships that hit the wall, bounced back only to come back and hit her on the forehead. She kept thinking that a relationship with a strong-willed woman was what she needed for her to move on with her life for once and for all, after all, there were many other important things in life to do besides finding love. Gweth wanted to finish her college, have a career and have love. She wanted it all. The only thing that got her second guessing herself was her obsession over Apiyo. In the part of the world where her choices and opinions on love were dismissed, she did better as a person for standing up for what she truly believed in. All her former girlfriends found it easy to live a lie and please the society rather than live their truth and be condemned to hellfire or be condemned for having values considered to be un-African.

Gweth took a deep sigh after thinking of her truth, her former girlfriends and finally Apiyo whom she promised to let know of how she truly felt. She wished for her teenage fantasy to come to life. Still in deep thoughts, her phone rang. It was her mother. "My baby you have not called me in the past one hundred years," her mother was always the best engineer to design and build mount Everest from a mere ant hill. " Mama, I have been busy with school and work. Sorry if I no longer call you as frequent as you expect. " Gweth told her mother. "It is okay my daughter, I understand. Just wanted to tell you that William is back from overseas. Now is your perfect time to visit over the weekend, what do you think? " Gweth's mother always wanted her to date William so much. William had stepped in and helped her and her husband school their late daughter Sulwe. The two later got married for about a year and later Sulwe passed on under mysterious circumstances. Gweth was sure her sister's death had everything to do with domestic violence. She would here her sister talk to her mother about the tough marriage she had but all she was told was to pray for her husband and respect him. Sulwe was also told that it is okay and perfectly normal for a man to beat his wife since she belonged to him. Gweth would later get even with everyone who sent her sister to an early grave. " Mama, I do not want a second hand husband. Give him another wife if in any case you promised him a replacement because I am not a commodity to just be given out. Good bye mama." Gweth hang up. She was never going to let her toxic mother get to her. She wanted better, she had to do better.