Reverse Isekai - Knight of Sin

Never Trust a Lagomorph

Harold woke to the sound of chewing and the smell of waffles.  And sausages.  And strawberry syrup.

The first thing other than that he noticed was that he wasn't in his own bed, a fact which puzzled him for perhaps half a minute.  "What?" he asked.  "What, Princess?"

And then he remembered that Princess was dead.  He knew he should feel sad about that, but there was something else.

Slayer of Men told him.

"That isn't wrath." Harold said, yawning and pulling the covers over himself with his good arm.  "I just... who attacks a pet when they can't harm the owner?"

The chewing noise was replaced with something Harold had only heard when his sink unclogged.  "Uh, goblins, obviously." Apple said.

Wait, Apple?  Someone he had just met.  WHY was he in an apartment with a strange woman he'd just met?  

"No, no, no." Harold said, slowly remembering the events of the past few days.  He screamed into his pillow.

"You should eat breakfast." Apple told him.  "I bought you some.  It was your credit card, after all."

"My?"  Harold normally woke slowly, and his brain was still not firing on all cylinders.  "You stole my credit card?"

"I didn't steal anything." Apple said.  "Stealing is when you take something and keep it.  Your credit card is right there, and I'll give your phone back as soon as I defeat Doctor Doom.  I think the key is leveling up..."

"What?  I have a limited data plan." Harold said.

"What?  No, you HAD a limited data plan.  Friends don't let friends have data charges.  And we're friends, right?"

No longer protected by the haze of sleep, Harold rubbed his face, coming to terms with these new and otherwise unacceptable facts.  

"I am taking a shower." he said.  It is only when first showering without such things as shampoo and a normal sized bar of soap that Harold realized how much he had begun to think of them as... well, he never thought about them.  When one was low or almost out, he would buy more.  Harold had been reborn into America, the land of plenty, and the idea of being WITHOUT was about as alien to him as the concept of having his phone and wallet gone through by a homeless bunny woman.

Harold had seen anime, and he thought, idly, of how he should make her repay her debt.  There was an unfamiliar warmth down in his groin, and he moved his thoughts onward.

Slayer of Men told him from the other room.

"How the frog farts are you doing that from another room?"

"And again, that's not going to happen." Harold said.

"The WHAT, now?"

"I have no clue; is that important?"

Without bothering to turn off the shower, barely even bothering to wrap a towel around his waist, Harold bolted from the bathroom.  Ignoring a 'yeep' from Apple, he grasped Slayer of Men in his left hand, moving him to a two handed grip as the sword grew almost instantly to full size.  (And, Harold noticed, full weight.)

There was a knock at his door.  

"Who is it?" Harold asked.

"It's Officer Swetland." Swetland said, his voice slightly warbling as though through a speaker system.  "I'm just verifying that you're still alive, Harold.  Also, we need your...  lady friend to answer a few more questions."

"Okay, give me a moment.  I'm opening the door."  And after a bit of negotiation that ended with Slayer's tip cutting into the carpet, he did just that.

"Miss Apple?  If you're ready to go?"

"Sure thing, officer." she said, grabbing two large bags labeled WAFFLE HOUSE, full of take-out boxes.  "Oh, Harold? I didn't know when you were waking up, so I ordered online from Wal-mart and they should be delivering my clothes and other things before I get back."

"Oh, okay." Harold said.  "Did you include shampoo and soap?"

"Hey!  You do NOT touch a woman's soap.  Just kidding, sure, help yourself."

Harold closed the door behind her.

"You make her a good wife, Harold Leightner."

"We aren't... I'm not...  I am so ANGRY at you right now."

"I know.  Your continuing rage empowers me."

"Well, you just watch, mister!  I'm going to stop being angry right now.  Any minute now."

"Firstly, neither of us believes that.  Secondly, do you even know what's coming for you next?"

"How about nothing?  Nothing is coming for me next."

"You don't believe... no..." Slayer sent, as it quickly shrank back to its more portable size.

"I'm getting back into the shower before the water gets cold." Harold said.

"How do you know that."

"Wait, a knight has to be a mortal?"

"Oh, and why is that?  You've threatened to make a goblin the Knight of Sin, and they aren't mortal."

Slayer of Men sighed.