Love's Answer

Remember that night by Sarah Kays.

Sophia

I turn to the left corner of the street heading toward the small pub down the road, it is the best shot I have at relaxing. It’s usually pretty quiet and no one there is really trying to get under your skirt or into your business. I’ve visited a few times when I considered ending my life. It’s so discreet that an entire murder could be going on there without anyone’s knowledge. If this were a mafia story, it’ll be a secret underground lair, but this is f*****g real life where I am about to drink and drown out my sorrow

I open the door to the loud chiming of their doorbell. I wonder why they even have it anyway, it feels like its there to alert them of something out of the ordinary

I ignore the stares of everyone and walk to the bar, I grab a seat and bow my head in frustration as soon as my ass hits the chair. It has a cold feel that makes me want to cry. I feel a sting in my eyes again and I wipe them before the tears have the opportunity to fall.

“Two Mojitos, please” I request as the bartender comes into sight. I catch a glimpse of his face in the dark bar and he’s smiling at me, I flash a fake smile back at him so I don’t come off as rude. He notices how fake I am being so he starts preparing my drink in silence and hands it over a minute later.

I sit in the bar for two more hours with my drink untouched. The bartender came by a couple of times for a refill and gave me the eye when he saw my drink untouched.

“Everything okay, miss?” he asks when he comes back for the fourth time.

“Yeah, I just… I need to…” My words can barely make it into a sentence and my breath becomes ragged as I struggle to forget all the things that have happened in the last few days. I close my eyes and struggle to breathe properly. “I’m good, just yunno having a bad day” I heave a deep breath and shrug. He flashes a bitter smile at me like he understands then walks away.

I sit there in a trance for some time – I don’t know how long – but as the seconds pass by, I feel a stronger urge to yell or break something. I feel like there will be an explosion within me if I don’t break something. I stare down at the glass before me and my grip around it tightens.

The most reasonable thing to do right now would be to walk away, but, I’m not quite reasonable right now, I haven’t been since I left that interview screaming. The shrill sound of my scream from that day fills my head and I am suddenly filled with an uncontrollable rage. In a flash second, there's the sound of the shattering of a glass followed by the splattering of a liquid – my glass.

The cute bartender returns and there’s a horrid shock in his eyes that’s when I realize I probably shouldn’t have done that.

“You need to leave, miss,” he says as he rushes over the counter to sweep up the shards of glass lying miserably on the ground. I’m still frozen in my position when he yells again, “please, leave” he nods toward the door as if he's sympathetic about yelling at me.

I leave in acquiescence regardless of how much I want to stay back and say sorry, I wouldn’t want him to get into any trouble because of my rage, although the look in his eyes says he is already in a lot of trouble.

As I get outside a gait hits my face and I feel all the rage dissipate. I turn and for the first time catch a glimpse of the row of trees sitting there. They are beautiful and having them in this desolate place is such a waste of effort. I walk over to a bench underneath one of the trees and I sit there and let myself descend my endless well of thoughts.

I sit there and get lost.

I’m still sitting 20 minutes later when my phone rings. It’s an unknown number which I normally wouldn’t be answering but I don’t quite feel normal right now so I answer

“Sophia Carson?” a male voice asks from the other end of the phone. I could swear he sounds like a hitman.

“Yes, that’s me” there’s a moment of hesitation from his end like I didn’t meet an expectation or he’s unsure of why he called.

“I’m Antonio Suarez, and I’m calling from Mind. We'd like to offer you a role at our firm…”

“Yes!” I answer without letting him finish. I’ll never second-guess this opportunity.

The man on the other end seems startled but continues “Do you mind coming in today?” he asks.

“Today is fine” Of course, today is fine because I am pumping with so much adrenaline I could write five novels right now.

“Uhm, well, okay. We’ll need you to be at our headquarters in an hour, does that work for you?”

“Yes, I’ll make that twenty” I respond with a light giggle. I’m so excited I don’t remember why I was upset today. This atones for everyone who has pissed me off one way or another today – Jane, Jan, all of them.

“Good,” he responds and there’s a beep as he ends the call.

Without trying to comprehend what just happened, I run off to my house to get changed.

I get back home and find Ma sprawled on the sofa. She looks tired and still has the same clothes she had on this morning at the hospital. I see the food I made her sitting untouched on the table and I know she hasn’t had launch yet. I take off her shoes and adjust her to lie properly before proceeding to get changed.

I run through the shower and brush my hair to look better than it did the last time. I feel indebted hence I feel a need to make a better impression.

I can’t fathom why I received a callback, but I’m too excited to care. Maybe this is an early Christmas gift and I’ll cherish it like I cherished my first birthday present- whatever it was.

I throw on plaid brown office pants and a dark brown blouse. I tie my hair into a high ponytail and apply some hair gel to it. Just to complement my efforts at looking good, I apply dark red lipstick and powder.

Yes, I am trying hard to make them notice and I hope they can see that I actually tried to do this- to get their attention.

If Janice was right about me yelling at the boss, then I wouldn’t mind kissing up his ass for this opportunity to remain mine

I run out and Ma is awake now, sipping coffee from a paper mug. I must have startled her with my clumsiness. I walk up to her and kiss her forehead. She flashes a bright smile at me.

With us, words matter less, we communicate everything with our actions, just like right now as she’s patting my hands with a wide smile, I know she just wants to remind me that she loves me and assure me that all will be well.

“I love you, ma, but, I need to hurry now, I got another shot at that interview.”

“Mind?” she asks straightening up on the chair because she knows how much Mind matters to me.

“Yes, Ma” I respond, a wide smile making its way up my face and tears forming. I didn’t even realize I was this happy.

“Oh, darling.'' She's blowing her nose with a tissue now. “I just knew God will never stop listening to our prayers. Do you have your rosary?”

“Yes ma," I lie so she wouldn't make me go look for it, "but I have to go now,” I say increasing the pace of my words.

“Yes, baby. God be with you” she replies quickly kissing my hand and letting it go “I’ll say a prayer for you”

“Thank you ma” I reply as I run out.

I’ll need to take a walk down to the bus station. That’s at least 10 minutes away, I barely have any time left.

As I make a bend to the other corner of the street, I see someone leaning by the wall. It’s a silhouette I’ve tried so hard to forget. Elvis. My demonic ex who won’t stop calling. We've been through this a million times in the past and so I know it's best I ignore him and keep walking.

“Sophie” he calls out.

“You’re not allowed to call me that, Elvis” I yell and I keep walking.

Why did he show up now after so many years?

“Please just listen to me” he’s running to keep up with my pace now, “Please, just listen” he holds onto my arm and I reflexively yank it away. I’m scared to death with him standing less than 5 feet away from me.

I scan the street searching for the sign of a person– anyone even within a 5-mile radius- so I can scream if anything happens. Apparently, he sees my fear because he steps back and raises his hand in resignation.

“I promise, I won’t hurt you, I just want to talk, please” he’s pleading so hard his facial lines are contorting more obviously. He looks like he could cry in the next minute. Either that, or he’s gotten way better at acting.

I chose the latter.

I take the time to get a good look at him. He hasn’t changed much in the last 2 years. He just looks even wealthier now. I scoff and roll my eyes in annoyance.

I adjust my handbag and turn to face him better now, to mask my fear I take two steps toward him. “I thought I made it clear that I never want to see you again. If I do, I’ll report you as a stalker or for abuse. Again. We both don’t want that right?” I ask with a wry smile. I’m trying to keep myself as calm as I possibly can but my insides are shaking. “Besides, we have nothing to talk about. I don’t want to ever talk to you” and then I leave.

“Please, I swear, I’m different now, just let me show you” he’s yelling behind me and I’m tempted to laugh at how much conviction he's trying to blend with his voice. It’s a rueful laugh because the sound of his statement is truly laughable, but I am even more laughable since I ate up that lie in the past. Does he even believe himself whenever he says that? Because I don't. Because of him, I don't even know who I am anymore.

I turn to face him again. I can feel the rage from thirty minutes ago build up again “You said that twenty minutes before you drove our daughter to her death for your selfish and vengeful reasons, so no, Elvis, you don’t get another chance. I gave you way too many and you showed me how much of a foolish decision that was. Every single time” my eyes are teary and my vision blurry. I can’t have this conversation- not with him, and especially not about our daughter.

I can’t let him see me cry so I turn around without waiting for his response, I wipe my eyes with my sleeve and run off to the bus station.

***

The atmosphere at Mind isn’t quite different from when I left it two days ago– goes a long way to show me that they’ll be fine with or without me. It is more alive than the last time though. It’s like another world inside the real world. Anyone like me could totally get lost in this fancy life – celebrity authors walking around like it’s their home with assistants running to keep up with them, men in their expensive suits and haughty ladies wearing tight designer skirts and animal print shirts with their 8 inches heels clanking identically as they walk meticulously.

It’s so organized here and everyone looks like they received some special education before getting in — I heard once that only the children of the elite could work here. I thought I could handle working with snobbish, rich people, but seeing it now makes me feel out of place. I'm definitely reconsidering.

I’m barely keeping up with this lady giving me instructions in her $100 Fenty hyper glitz lipstick. She’s talking so fast and she's walking so fast– at this rate, she may be jogging in her 7-inch stilettos. I’m trying to take in the beauty of this 32-story building while keeping up with her pace– unsuccessfully.

She makes an abrupt halt and I almost bump into her head first. She’s staring at me like she’s better than this— than giving me a tour. She looks bored of my face and I almost scoff disdainfully. It’s not like I chose to drag her here with me, she was appointed to show me around by Antonio when I got here. I would’ve chosen Antonio’s stoic face over her over-glossed lips to show me around.

“Do you understand?” she asks in the manner of an impatient house owner showing her staff around. She’s staring at me like she’s waiting for me to flop so she can whoop my ass.

“Yes, I do” I reply smirking.

“Good,” she says and rolls her eyes really hard I almost fear it’s abnormal.

We walk a few more minutes before she stops in front of a fancy office with glass windows. It’s almost empty and stark white. I already hate it, but I’m hoping I’ll like it better when I go in.

“This is your office and those weirdos are your teammates” she points at two people– there’s a girl busily typing on her computer with tired eyes and a guy rapidly typing on his phone with a wide grin on his face, each time he finishes typing, he steals a glance at the girl who rolls her eyes at him. At that rate, her eyes may fall off. “The rest of the team is out on a field trip for the office," the rude lady continues "there’s a total of six people in here, you should shadow one of them, they’ll show you around” she finishes and leans by the door like she’s expecting me to do something.

I’m standing there confused and watching her through curious eyes, I’m, almost hesitant to ask her, but I don’t know who else I could ask.

“So, um… You didn’t um… um…”

Get yourself together, Sophia!

She looks bored and she takes out a gum and begins chewing. She isn’t rushing me to ask my question and for some reason that makes me more uneasy.

“I mean, you didn’t tell me what department I’ll be working in” I finally manage to string together a full sentence, and once again she’s looking at me like she’s sick of me. Maybe she is because this time she’s pointing in the direction we came from like she’s asking me to leave. Did I just blow up my second opportunity? When she keeps pointing, I turn back and begin to leave when she speaks up.

“That’s your department name, dumbass”

Rude!

I look up to see a large silver plate with something carved into it in a large font.

CHILDREN BOOKS DEPARTMENT

“What? Children's books?” I just ran a marathon down here to write children's books? I am so offended my brain must be fuming something. All of the day's anger is resurrecting again.

She’s quiet, looking at me like I am mad now, she sure has a pandora’s box of expressions but I don’t care right now, I just need to fix this mixup preemptively.

“This must be a mistake, I need to see the boss right now!” I’m trying to keep my voice from crossing the limit. “How can I find him?” I ask again and she releases a mocking laughter that catches me by surprise. She’s laughing so hard that her gum is almost falling off its place in her mouth.

“Sorry…” she says through muffled laughter, “You want to see the boss?” Another round of laughter erupts, “You can’t see the boss, he’ll see you and when that time comes, I’ll let you know” she snatches my phone from its place in my hand and types something, a second later her phone rings and she returns my phone. “That’s my number, I’ll text you when he asks to see you” and she leaves.

I stand there frozen, confused about what just happened for a few minutes before I walk into the office. The boy is now typing on his computer while the girl is on her phone. It’s like they are playing some game.

“Hi,” I say as I walk to an empty desk and drop my bag and phone. They’re both staring at me like I’m a lost intruder. Their looks are questioning so I quickly explain. “Um, I was just posted here, although I think it’s an error but I’ll just stay here before it gets fixed…”

Both reply “oh” identically, in the least interested way I have ever seen.

“Um, so my name is Sophia, Sophia Carson,” I say trying to make small conversation, “and you are…?” I ask the girl.

“...Not nice” she replies lazily and moves to the coffee maker. It takes a moment to understand her response and so I turn to ask her to clarify. I catch a glimpse of her side figure and she’s pretty. She has a nice body and a hard-to-not-notice mouth. But, she’s rude, like everyone else in this building. I let out a burst of rueful laughter to lessen the embarrassment.

I think the guy notices because tries to make conversation. “Hi, I am Eneed. And, I’m Indian just in case you didn’t notice” he says it like it’s the most interesting thing about him, and we both laugh. I can tell he’s fun already. “Don’t worry about Hannah…” he whispers the rest of his sentence “it’s the first day of her period and she just gets really rude on days like this”

“I can hear you, dickhead” Hannah says as she grabs her now ready cup of coffee and makes to leave the office “and, no one ever gets posted here by mistake, welcome to the team” she flashes a stiff smile at me and leaves.

I sit there making small talk with Eneed for the next 20 minutes before the rude tour guide from earlier sends a text asking me to find the main office and see the boss at the conference room.

After 10 minutes of aimless walking, I finally find the conference room. It’s a spacious room with lots of chairs made with premium quality leather, a very lush carpet, and a large oak table. It’s richly lit with proper air conditioning and a rich scent.

It’s almost empty besides a man sitting on the left wing of the table, he’s gracefully sipping from a cup of something and browsing through his phone. I tip toe trying to not distract him until I reach the other end of the table, as if on cue, he turns around around stares at me. His expression is hard to read but he’s staring at me like he’s displeased– like he expected something better. I stand there unsure of what to say and waiting for him to stop checking me out. While I wait, I check out his features.

If he’s the boss, then he is young. Younger than I’d expected, he has a definitive face and a properly chiselled jaw, it’s hard and clean shaven, he has full lips and a beautifully straight nose, his eyes are an extinct shade of sea green which should normally seem out of place but somehow stays complimented by his neatly cut dark hair. I could drown in that face forever. It takes a lot of self-control to keep my eyes from scrolling through the rest of his body. He has a confusing aura, he seems in control but almost like he doesn’t have to work for it. It’s attractive. So sexy.

I hope I'm not visibly drooling.

He moves from the table and walks over to the other end of the table, he walks past me and I catch a whiff of his perfume– just the right amount of seduction. I could hold on to that scent forever. He reaches for a chair and sits then points to a chair asking me to sit. His face is in what seems to be it's normal state again– expressionless.

“I’m sorry we had to bring you out on such short notice,” he says sounding the least apologetic, he's not sorry, he's just being courteous.

But, did he say he personally handpicked me?

He continues “I heard you left your interview unfinished…”

I interject his sentence “yes, I had an emergency at home, my sister was ill so…”

“I was told” he interjects and eyes me, almost as if warning me to let him finish his sentences which I do. “How are liking your new office, settling in fine?” he's talking fast now.

“Ah, yes, about that…” I say ready to lay my complain before the doors swing open and a young lady walks in. She’s wearing an 8-inch platform heel and a white plaid tennis skirt with her hair tied in pigtails. She’s young and petite and it’s hard to stop looking at her. I look back at him and his attention is on her also.

He has an air of authority around him and I know people don’t usually barge into his spaces unless they actually mean something to him, like this girl.

He turns back to me as the girl sits on one of the chairs legs crossed, “I’ll see you later, Miss Carson” and he turns to her. I take that as my cue and I leave.

I walk back to my new office and for the millionth time today, I try to be happy— unsuccessfully