Love's Answer

~T-shirt by Shontelle.

Landon

I have a terrible history with girls, I am not exactly proud of my dating history or my body count, but, I owe it all to someone and her stealing my trust and then tossing it down the drain.

I don't have insecurity issues. Not yet, but, I guess I'd like it better compared to this.

I am not proud of how I treat girls either, but, it just comes naturally and reflexively to me. It feels like I am repulsive to everyone besides her, and it'll help so much if I can find her and make her make me whole again, but, how do I find a girl whose face I have no recognition of? And what are the chances of her being after 17 years?

Somewhere inside of me, I am hopeful that she'll recognize me someday and let me recover the love she took from me when she left. I wouldn't dare tell anyone I harbor these thoughts because no one expects a 30-year-old boss who has trust issues to lead rightly.

If I'm being honest, no one has believed in me since I took over this firm, despite the increased ratings and publicity I have garnered over the last years.

Well, no one except the lady sitting at the other end of this table.

I can't make out what she's doing with her face or what expression she has on right now, but she's been quiet since I told her I want out of our 3-year-old relationship. That was 20 minutes ago and 10 minutes after she walked in, and she hasn't said a word since then. The only thing between us other than silence and this table is the sound of her rings periodically meeting the glass of water she's holding. She seems more worried about this destroying the image we spent years building as the perfect couple than at the fact that I am ending a 10-year relationship. Maybe she was never into this. Hell, maybe my mother put her up to this.

It has been one hell of a year with her and I can't help but think we're better off when we're not in each other's lives.

I haven't been happy in another woman's life for a long time, not since her. It's funny I'll call her a woman, because, we were just teenagers when we started this thing without an end.

It was 2 months after her 17th birthday when I came out to her about my illness and how f****d up it made me feel about life, she kissed me on my cheek and told me it'll be alright. Right then and there with that kiss, I knew things would never be the same between us. We had known each other for 7 years since she moved to Houston, hell, we had held hands publicly and even kissed during our drunk party moments, but, that night was different. I held her in my arms and we cuddled in my bed and made out until midnight. She told me all about how she loved me and I didn't see a reason to hold back. I laid my 7-year crush bare cracking open a vault of feelings we had worked so hard to get rid of.

We started dating... and then we didn't.

2 weeks after we got together, there was a fire in her house and she died in it alongside her parents. It was short-lived and something I blame myself for every single day. My first real love, gone and all because of this stupid illness.

I blamed myself non-stop for the 2 years after that, and I still do- I don't think I will ever find it in me until I either found her dead or alive, well, until I met Luke. He helped me deal with the trauma I felt from losing her, but, I never got around to moving on from her completely, probably why all my relationships suck as hell. He's still out there saving my life every damn day after terrible breakup situations where I can't tell the girls that I can't love anyone besides a girl who's been missing for at least 10 years.

There's a buzz in my pocket giving me the perfect excuse to ditch this visual standoff we had going on. I pull out my phone and answer it.

I glance at my phone again and steal a glance at her. She looks at me like she knows what's going through my mind before she starts speaking, "I'm letting this go because you seem pretty drunk," drunk? Really? She's laughable. "when I get back, you better be done with your self-reflection" and with that, she walks away.

"Crazy line of bitches you have on your dating list" I hear Luke sound over the phone. I can't defend myself because I know better than him how crazy it's been. "Get your ass down here, you have some actual self-reflection to do and you're late by 30 minutes." he pauses long enough to make me question his seriousness. He continues "at this rate, you may want to consider raising my pay" I can hear him snicker through the phone.

"Not happening Luke. At this rate, you may get richer than I am. How can I pick up crazy bitches if I am poor?" I respond through stifled laughter and grab my key before heading out.

I arrive at his office 10 minutes later, and have to wait 3 hours for him to conclude his consultation with the rest of the neurology department, he does this every Thursday, and coincidentally, he does this 2 hours before my session and makes me wait. I don't mind though, I never do. I take the time and silence to take in his office. I notice he's changed a few things, but, it's still as empty as it was 4 years ago when he moved into this building, white so bright it would seem like a sacrilege to set foot on it. He says staying this sparking helps him deal with the PTSD his clients give him.

And considering I am his only patient, I try not to overreact every time.

He waltzes in 20 minutes later acting like I am invincible to him, he strides to his mahogany desk- the only colored thing in his office- and tugs at his tie seemingly irritated at something, so I let him be. We sit in silence for ten minutes with the only sound between us being his labored breathing.

"Did you ask me out to let me hear your labored breaths?"

"No. I asked you out to do you your money's worth of services. So, please let me finish this and move on"

I can spot an obvious look of disdain on his face, I can't tell why he's sour. He's always been this way- unreadable and unpredictable. I think that's why we've stuck together the longest.

I may be taking the wrong guesses, but, it wouldn't hurt to try. "Girl trouble?" I spurt before I have the time to talk myself out of asking. He raises a questioning brow at me then proceeds to ignore me.

"Anything new? Nightmares, seizures?" he's now taking out a pen and notepad making a deliberate attempt to ignore me. That's how I know I am right.

"You are having girl trouble," I say amidst laughter this time, I get up and walk toward his desk then lean in to get a closer look at him, he reclines further into his seat. "Who is she? Someone, I know?" I can't help the mocking grin now plastered on my face and I can tell he is infuriated by the way he's blowing out deep breaths. "C'mon man, tell me"

"f**k off man, it's none of your business" then he pushes me off the table, and I can't help the laughter that escapes me. I never knew it would be this fun seeing him sad over a girl.

He has somehow remained inaccessible in the last years we've known each other with barely any situation cracking beneath his surface. This is definitely the saddest I've seen him ever, and to think that I never noticed that he had a girl around.

"Look, I really don't wanna talk about it, let's just get this over with."

"Yunno, therapy is no fun with a soggy therapist. You need to lighten up or we move this session. And I want a full refund" that cracks him up a little and he sits up again.

After a deep breath, he says "Just tell me, has anything happened recently?"

"Well, there is something new" I respond. He clicks his pen in a more professional style and prepares to take notes " I've been seeing her more often... in my head." I can sense the obvious drop in the volume of my words. This is the hardest part of therapy. "And I've been thinking of her more often than usual. I think she may still be alive" at this point, my voice is barely a whisper. I raise my head to look up at him and he's looking at me like I'm crazy.

"Landon, it's been years. It's been more than 5 years, you can't continue to blame yourself for her disappearance... or her death. You need to forgive yourself for..." he's about to give me the self-forgiveness speech he has given me in the last 6 years of therapy.

"I'm not blaming myself anymore Luke. I just think..." my voice is gone again "she may really be alive. I swear, last week, I saw someone who looks so much like her at the Flea Market, and today at my office"

"Do you think she's trying to kill you? Maybe some kind of vendetta like in the movies?" he's attempting to ease the tension but he knows it never works when it comes to this situation. He notices the unease on my face and stops laughing. "Look, she's been gone for a long time. And whatever happened that night wasn't your fault, you did your best and maybe it wasn't enough to save her, but, it's never your fault." I heave a deep sigh and slump into the sofa. "Meanwhile, have you been dehydrated for long? Maybe that's why you've been hallucinating. Let's try a diet change, I'll make an appointment with my dietitian so you better show..." he finally stops talking maybe because he realizes that I can't hear a thing he's saying.

The only thing running through my mind now is ways to find her and I can tell it shows from the way he's staring at me.

"You know what? f**k therapy, let's find her, let's put out flyers and ads, and let's send a f*****g search party to find her. f**k her for getting missing for so long and leaving your heart in your stomach, we've had quite enough of her jokes. f**k you Christine for giving us a f*****g scare!" he's yelling at the top of his voice like he has soundproof doors or walls.

"That's a lot of cuss words in one sentence," I say smiling.

There's a moment of silence following his yelling and there's a warmth of gratitude seeping through. Neither of us intends on breaking this silence and we know it. It's our language and speaks louder volumes than our words ever would - it reminds me that he'll always be the most supportive friend I have.

He flashes a toothy smile at me then proceeds to get a glass of water then he returns to his desk and leans on it now facing me directly and I suddenly feel a wave of memories- from the first time he held my hand and said he was going to become a therapist just to help me after Christine's disappearance until today, this minute in this office, he's made every second worth the while.

"You say you've seen her twice? How can you recognize her?" his voice is now laced with concern and fear. I wish he would stop pitying my condition and treat me like everyone else but things have never been the same as he discovered 5 years ago.

It was a year after we met and I went to his house to visit him but hugged his half-brother because he wore his shirt and perfume that day. They didn't even look alike but some things just look the same regardless of the disparity between them when you have prosopagnosia. Since then, he's lived in fear that I could get found out. He fears for me more than I do for myself.

"Some things never change, Luke. She's still the same, I just know it. She has that warmth to her smile and walks the same. "

"It's been 13 years, Landon, you can't be sure. You don't even know what she looks like, you didn't know 13 years ago and you won't now..." his voice is soft and I can tell he's concerned.

"It's her, I just know it, Luke. Please, I need to find her" my eyes are pleading now as though everything depends on this, and honestly, it does.

He brushes me off trying to shake off the emotions lingering in the air. "So, anything else?"

"I've been having panic attacks. A total of 5 in the last 3 days"

"That's a lot. Have you been skipping your meds?" his eyes are accusatory.

"No. I take them judiciously."

"Do you think it has to do with her resurfacing?"

"Yes." I take in a long breath "I think it has everything to do with her"

"So let's find her"

"I agree," he responds with a sly smile. "Have we come to the end of today's session?"

"I guess we have"

"Good, I'll see you tomorrow at dinner," I say standing to leave now.

"I'm not going, I need to be somewhere tomorrow. "

"To salvage your relationship?" I ask in a guffaw

"I thought today's session was over? You should leave my office now" his voice is low and stern like he's holding back the anger threatening to come.

"Alright, man! I'll see you around then" I reply with a snicker and leave.

There's more to achieve today, but this session alone has done more than enough for me, knowing I have an ally in this journey is more than enough.

I glance at my wristwatch realizing I have barely an hour to make it to my family's house for the meeting with my dad. I'm more bothered because we barely have situations that requires us to meet physically and this morning I received a call summoning the family- consisting of mostly me- to come over.

I arrive 20 minutes after leaving Luke's office to an empty house.

I honestly don't understand why everyone makes me wait, it f*****g pisses me off that I rush over at the most trivial summons yet sit for hours waiting for them.

The butler in the mansion ushers me to the balcony in his room where he is sitting. 3 years since he lost his wife yet he still keeps this tradition alive

When she was alive, they would sit there every afternoon at 3 pm watching the scorching sun and their garden beneath its glow. It was their favorite thing together... it still is for him.

"It's a miracle you didn't try to disobey my instructions this time," he says without turning, then a small smile whiffs up on his face, "too afraid you won't get to see your old man before he leaves you in this world?"

"No," I respond fiddling with a strand of loose thread on his chair as I stride toward him, "just came to see if my old man has any last wishes before he leaves." I can see the small smile playing on his lips as I rest into a rocking chair beside him. It's quite uncomfortable and I wonder how this somehow gives him maximum comfort.

He lets out soft laughter before continuing, "I infact have a wish," he pauses to read the expression on my face before saying the words he's repeated like an anthem for the last 3 years "I just want you to wed a kind, young, pretty lady and manage the company's businesses globally..." I heave a deep sigh knowing what's next. "I only want the best for you..."

"...you know it starts with your settling down." I finish for him. I lean further into the chair and run my hands through my hair with a frustrated grunt. "Pa, I love you and there's nothing more that I want to do than fulfill ma's last wishes, but, you know..."

"You need to find the girl first. I know. But for how long Landon?" he looks at me like he's expecting an answer. It'll be crazy if he is because I don't have a timeline. I'll f*****g wait a lifetime to find Christine.

He exhales then stands up and enters his room, he comes out five minutes later with a book that looks like an album. After what looks like an internal conflict, he drops it on my thighs with a loud thud.

"I knew you'd be like this. It's easier to rebel when you have nothing on the line." he wipes his mouth with his hand and shakes his head. "That's an album with 30 of the most eligible women in Texas and America. I'll give you a month ultimatum, you better find a bride for yourself, or else..." he takes a long pause "I will give Mind and every other thing this family and you built from scratch to your cousin" he takes a defeated breath then barges into his room again.

Threatening me, then putting me in a competition with that dimwit? This must be important as hell to him, but, I'm not ready to let myself get involved in any way with a lady I barely know.

The only thing running through my head now is Christine. I may love Mind, but, I can't let myself move on with someone else just to fulfill wishes that aren't mine.

I take out my phone as I make my way down the stairs and place a call to my secretary

"Look up Christine Davis"