Getting Through It

Introducing Tiana

Some people never really heal from trauma. Whenever someone asked “What would your mom say?” or “Would your mom be mad?” My chest would ache and yearn, knowing I would never know how she would react to anything. What hurt the most was growing up realizing she would never meet my kids if I had any, my boyfriend if I decided to have one, teach me how to put on a pad or tampon, teach me how to cook, clean dishes wash my laundry and etc. I had to learn all of that all on my own. I was only human, hearing other girls tell how their mothers taught them and scolded them made me feel a bit jealous. I would never know what my mother would do or wouldn’t or how she would react, I could only assume. After a while I got angry, and soon that anger turned physical and mental. The worst thing of all is the bullying of myself that would go on inside my head. I was a really bad over-thinker, I over thought everything, I needed reassurance all the time. I would ‘jokingly’ hit my friends. At some point they were even scared of me. Soon some of my friends realized I meant no harm and that was just my overwhelming personality. They could always tell when I was sad, it didn’t take them a second to guess. But I would never tell them why I was truly sad. The truth is even with a lot of friends and family surrounding me, I’ve always felt alone. As if I was the odd one out, the one person you can point out in the crowd and say, “She doesn’t belong here!” My mother always made me feel as if I belonged, and when I lost her I felt as if I lost my purpose. Can you imagine being suicidal at 12 years old? Eventually those thoughts went away and I thought about how I would fight for my second life and make something of myself. I always asked myself would she be proud of me or not. My dad was still in my life, I know he loves and cares about me dearly. But he was taking on the responsibility of now paying for all of the bills on his own and I didn’t wanna add to his stress. And with all this thinking I decided I wouldn’t have kids, I wouldn’t date, and I would learn things on my own as I been doing. Of course this took a toll on me, but I didn’t know any better. I always told myself when I turn 18 I would move far away and make a good life for myself and then when I made something of myself I would share my wealth with those who helped me the most. I was currently 18, working at McDonald’s, and laying my head down in class right now. Whenever I laid my head down on my desk I would instantly think about my life and my life plans. But as always my thoughts were always kept short. “Sit up Tiana”, my teacher scolded. With a low groan, I sat my head up, being blinded by the bright lights. The sound of her heels clicking in the other direction told me she was walking away. I looked around, feeling embarrassed about the eyes watching me and the snickering around me. My face hardened, like it always did when I was hurt or I felt like someone was talking about me. I sighed deeply and put my head back down. “Tian-“ My teacher, Mrs.Cooly began to yell at me before being interrupted by the bell. You’d think because her name was cooly she’d be cool but I guess not. I quickly got up and grabbed my backpack, trying to avoid Mrs.Cooly glare directed towards me. I could feel her eyes on me, watching me until I left. A sigh of relief left me and I began walking to my locker where my current boyfriend stood. So about not having a boyfriend.. I’ve grew to understand I needed someone. I needed to feel seen and wanted and loved and he just did that for me. He made me feel like I couldn’t live without him. I didn’t know what my purpose was so I decided to live for him. Maybe my mind was corrupted, maybe I was being stupid, but it helped my cope. He gave me a light smile, the same smile he gave me when giving me bad news. “Hey devin, what’s wrong?” I asked softly. “We can’t meet at our spot today.” He mumbled as he gave me a quick peck on the lips and sped out of the doors. I sighed, I knew what he wanted to do.. it was all he ever wanted to do but I never let him which is why our relationship has been rocky for a few weeks. He only wanted to meet me there for s****l reasons, not to sit and talk and reminisce together, but because he was selfish. He would always smell like my best friend, but I didn’t say anything. We were all a trio so of-course they could hang out together without me being around. Right? I put my books into my locker and began heading out. After school I usually had work but I had today and tomorrow off because tomorrow was my birthday. I would finally be 19. I hopped into my car and began my drive home. I arrived shortly and pulled out my phone. I haven’t talked to my best friend in a few days, she was supposed to be helping me get ready for my birthday. She hadn’t been replying to my texts or calls and I haven’t seen her at school. I was starting to get worried but I remembered she often ghosted like this when she had a lot going on and so did I. It got pretty dark outside quickly, I rushed inside straight to my bedroom and began preparing for tomorrow. I would look like a star even if deep inside I was just a nobody. I changed into my pajamas and laid in my bed. Now I could finally sleep without being disturbed. I didn’t really eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner often, I couldn’t stomach much food now anyways so it was usually half of a meal or no meal at all. I drifted away into a light slumber as my thoughts pestered me inside my head. It seemed like just as fast as I went to sleep I had to wake up. My alarm was loud, I clicked it off a laid down before the second on went off. I always had to time everything, I always times 5 extra minutes every morning and what time I had to be done with certain things because I loved a tight schedule, it kept everything balanced. I rushed to the shower, letting the hot water burn my skin, I loved hot showers, I loved the burning sensation as the water hit my skin. I got out and began getting ready. It took my a while to curl my hair but I had finally managed. I put my red dress, my heels, my jewelry, and my make up on before giving myself a final look and spin. I was a bit disappointed that my best friend, Katie, wasn’t here. But I wouldn’t hold it against her. I grabbed my bag and everything else I needed and headed out, this was pretty much my life, nothing new , just a basic boring loop. I drove myself to school and began walking to the cafeteria where I always met my boyfriend. He was pretty popular due to playing sports so a lot of people knew we were dating. “Happy birthday Ti” people said as I walked down the hallway. My long curly black hair glistened in the light as I walked down the hallways with a big white smile, a smile so big you could barely see my beautiful red-orange and brown eyes. I greeted and nodded at everyone, smiling even harder at the people who’d told me happy birthday and complimented my rose red heels, my pearl earrings, my pearl necklace, and my beautiful sexy knee high red dress that enhanced my curves. I headed straight for the cafeteria. As soon as I entered, everybody eyes fell on me, but they weren’t eyes of happiness, they were eyes of pity. My eyes immediately found my boyfriend, but he wasn’t look at me, he was looking at my best friend with eyes of lust and love. My smile quickly fell, he never looked at me that way. Just as I forced a big smile on my face and took one step toward them, my boyfriend pulled my bestfriend into a delicate kiss. So delicate that it even knocked the wind out of my lungs. It seemed the wind in my lungs wasn’t enough, but it took my very reason to live, because just as they pulled away my heart stopped. I gasped for air, putting my hand over my chest as I stumbled back a little at the burning pain it was producing. I knew everybody was watching this dramatic scene play out in front of them. My boyfriend and best friend gazes finally fell on me as I struggled to breathe. A sob almost escaped. As a tear fell down my face, I stumbled back again and fell to the ground, everything went black.