Minder

Chapter 12

OLALLIE

I like dreaming about the light. Lust after the solitude in which darkness caters to me. It isn’t welcoming, but it never leaves.

Lawson is asleep next to me, napping after our ignite into intimacy. The ceiling above us perceives universal changes. Lips that are rough but so pure to press against.

Naked, lying underneath a sheet, I turn on my side away from him, staring out the open window. The afternoon sunlight greets my fingertips, and I play with the rays.

Lawson rolls identical to me, gripping onto my waist. Grounding me to our previous highs.

Something tells me that it won’t last long, though.

We aren’t meant for forever.

I doubt any parental figures care where we are right now. I don’t say goodbye as Lawson leaves, and when I get out of the shower, I try to forget our intimacy. I wash off my virginity, and it disappears quickly, not needing a display of departure.

My father goes out of his way to avoid me. I go out of my way to pretend I don’t exist. Knox Krause and I had a silent game going. Who was I kidding? All my games were quiet until a few years ago. When he demanded to fix my frailty and stole my solace, along with pieces of my past.

It was a form of hide-and-seek—one where we hoped to never find each other. Days after school, I would try and not roam the halls in his manor—random pictures of places and objects that didn’t belong to my memories.

Sometimes he would say things that would shock me, and other times I numbly nodded and walked away.

Knox tried to vacate his home, sneak out before I arrived back. It’s like he was afraid I would realize he was still alive. The last caretaker was connected to me.

Today, we were not so lucky. I heard Knox's jacket rustle in haste as I came around the corner.

“Oh, hi. Olallie, I’m just headed—” Knox rushes out an explanation.

“Out.” I opened the door and bent down to hand him his messenger bag. Acting like an imaginary maid for him as he took it out of my grasp and walked on by. The smaller the words meant less energy; my voice almost sounded relatively reasonable, considering.

“Where are Cal and Leonie?”

The burst of laughter coming through the pool room broke my speech. And Knox simply nods.

I began to shut the door, but I had a question.

“Do you avoid me because I remind you of her?” My eyes cast down, and I attempt to predict an answer. I saw a slight shrug and a shake of the head.

“No. Not entirely. If I am being honest, it’s hard to look at you. You look exactly like me, but you are completely different.” He huffed out a breath. “Like I am staring into a mirror, that is too raw and personal. Shows me everything I’m not. All the goodness Luna obtained and passed down to you, it’s not who I am, Olallie.” Knox tries to avoid eye contact as long as possible as he speaks to me.

I feel what he doesn’t admit. I think twice as much.

“I should have visited you more.” Knox expels the sentiment like the sheer confession would have made the childhood I navigated smooth.

“More?”

“I should have visited. Period.”

I start to sign because there is so much I want to say, and when my hands open, everything spills that was buried. Stopping mid-sentence only to realize Knox doesn’t even follow the wave of my hands. I shake my own head and turn around.

“Bye, Knox.”

“You’re wrong. I was full-time with the others. I didn’t even start working outside the home until you came here. It was finally my turn, I thought. I got a chance to be there for you.” Knox’s rough hand smooths the golden locks on his head.

“Instead, I sent you away, thinking it was for the best, got you an operation I know you despise. Thought I was making your life better. Asher told me not to do it. Begged me, even. Said it was your God-given right to hinder the racket in the world.” He was talking to the walls. Before I could answer, he carried on with his speech.

“Your mother always was quick to forgive. She hated being upset or hurt. She didn’t enjoy emotions. Mature, so mature. You can tell yourself I didn’t come around because of the obligations to my business. Three other kids to occupy my time. It isn’t true.” He looks up and stares at me; water fills his eyes, and I can’t be more uncomfortable.

“There were hours, hours, Olallie. I sat in the car, convincing myself I needed to go and see you, be with you. There was part of me out there suffering, and somehow, I needed to save it before it was too late. But I just sat there. Not feeling pulled in either direction.”

“When you were born. After Luna told me devasted that you couldn’t hear. She taught me how to sign. I practice every day.”

“Luna talked about you after you went and lived with her parents. Talked about your sign, when you learned to walk. How you wrote your name, your grades at school. She was so proud of you. Constantly badgering me about how wonderful you were.” Tears start falling from both our eyes, and I realize he loved my mother, with a love I didn’t know he was strong enough to endure.

“When your grandparents died, and she got custody back, she never called again. She didn’t come by to say goodbye. You became her world, and she was gone from mine. Her voice echoes in my head, and I ache to hear it. How simple and pure it radiated.” Taking a minute to grieve from his own words. “Know that Luna always said, we did one thing good in the world, Lenny, we made a daughter who is the best part of both of us. And maybe that’s all we are here to do, to pass on the greatest attributes we have, offering it the ones we create. I loved Luna; I shouldn’t have. She was too young; Rebecca had recently ended her life. But I still do.”

In his rambles, we gained an audience. I sense their approach and sharp shocks of breath as they see a man so influential and respected in the community crumble at their feet.

“Dad?” Calhoun first steps around me to grab his father’s figure.

“I never loved your mother, though. She’s a b***h. Your sister is turning out just like her.” Emotions exhaust him.

“Gee, thanks, Dad!” Kalonie yells and spins back to the pool, muttering asshole the whole way.

“Knox, come on, let’s go back to your office and find your candy stash.” Leonie breaks the awkward tension as she holds her father upon her tiny shoulders like she had been doing it for years.

“Way to go, Olallie, make the strongest man I know fall to his knees.” Cal claps times thrice and leaves the entryway.

Leonie’s eyes meet mine, and she smiles like we are sisters, and this is our father.

“I’ll come to talk to you when I get him settled.” She winks at me and walks my father down the hall. He staggers like being honest and emotional is worse on him than going on a drunken bender. Energy sucked out of the depth of his soul.

I stand there a good while; only do I turn to meet his eyes that whisper in my sleep sweet things.

“You going to be alright, O?” Lawson’s arms are crossed over his bare chest. Hair dried from the duration of the family drama.

“I’ll be good as new.” Nodding, leaning my head against the doorframe.

“Do you want company?” Lawson offers a contribution I ache to be fulfilled by only him. Yet, he makes the distance known between us.

“I wouldn’t want to take up any more of your time with my dramatics.”

“That wasn’t dramatic. It’s a family. We all have problems.” I don’t consider it for too long. Lawson rarely speaks about who he came from, where our family secrets couldn’t be sealed by witness protection. “Could I kiss you now?” He raised eyebrows like I was going to deny it.

“Of course.” Because his permission to enter my body once has already had approval.

Leaning in, he first stares at my blue eyes, then down at my lips. He cupped my chin and tilted it skyward. His mouth was warm as they met my cool one. The swipe of his tongue sent shivers down my spine. His hand finds mine hanging there and tingling as he intertwines our fingers to become one.

“Every time I kiss you, I always wonder if it’s poison or a promise on those virgin lips.” Lawson hugged me and held me as his breath calmed down the unsteady jump in my heartbeat. “I look forward to having more with you soon.” With that, he was gone, behind the doors where my half-siblings reigned supreme. “Dude! Your sister was totally trying to hook up with me!” Lawson’s teasing voice rings out, and I try to swallow the amount of ecstasy and pride.

It wouldn’t be the last thing I would have to forgive Lawson for. After all, we were just getting started. Soon, he promised, and soon was coming whether either of us was ready.