The Hitman and His Consort

LIX - Communicate

First Person P.O.V: VALENTIN HACKSAW

This is insane.

Now I kind of understand why Denis f*cked around. Not ultimately, my question is why go around meeting different women to do this thing with? How could he go right to the next lady when I can’t get enough of Arthur even after doing that?

Then again, I was 'obsessed' with her, and with cautious surveillance, I think I still am. I know I can’t take my judgment for it but this is just ridiculous. What else could this be? I would’ve taken her again if know she’s not in pain, but she is. Makes me wonder if it’s natural or if I did something wrong.

But it couldn’t be more on the latter, right? She seemed like she genuinely enjoyed it. Then again I wouldn’t call myself an expert, let alone a novice, in this kind of thing so perhaps I was defeated by my own initial deep-rooted disregard for the thing. Of course, I know what s*x is, but I’ve never actually had an interest in it. Frankly, I hated the idea of it. I didn’t know if I performed well enough, but then again…

That is until last night.

She did give me instructions… At least, that’s how I think of it.

To me, it just seemed that Arthur triggered so many miracles to happen overnight and now I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with it the morning after. Talking was a separate thing. I couldn’t wait to talk to her. A conversation is easy to manage because at least you’d have an idea of what to expect and I’ve been somewhat good at manipulating conversations enough to maintain a good flow.

‘Although the origin of that skill is of very sinister origin, there’s no lie that’s a damn good skill,’

I told her to stay; she told me she will. And that’s all that matters. I didn’t even realize how important the ‘letters’ are, but I’m only glad she’s here because of that. My ecstasy overpowered a bit of my logical thinking and now instead of immediately looking for whoever sent those letters, I’m making breakfast.

I’ll have to tell Kavon to let me off this day so we could make some initial plans for our next move. Tell him to let Sofya know that my любимая visited me. That nosey kid would probably have her mind blown when she finds out. It’s kind of pathetic that the first ‘friend’ I have in mind to share this with is a child, but she’s the only one who seemed to have a genuine interest in it.

As I was texting, I went to check on her and I caught her standing around and looking for something. “What’re you doing?” I asked, making her turn to me with an adorable expression on her face like she was caught stealing biscuits, but something tells me that’s just my biased judgment because ever since yesterday I kept thinking that maybe her face changed.

‘Could’ve sworn she’s become more alluring…’ But rather than that, her face remained the same. She looked different with the longer, choppy, and layered hair, but that’s the same face.

“They were on the floor, that said, where can I put them in?” she replied, lifting a bundle of clothes up in her arms.

‘Oh, to be a bundle of clothes,’

“There’s a bin in the bedroom, but hand them over I’ll put it there,” I answered, offering my hand to help but she just moved her arms away from mine,

“I got it, just focus on what you were doing,” she said before going back to the bedroom. Seeing her back, no, figure walking around my house, still gave me f*cking chills. It made my stomach feel funny whenever I see her face, she’s really here and I’ve already done this and that with her …

But the fact that she’s right here, in my house, at this exact moment, doesn’t sink in unless I have her in my arms. Then the warmth of her skin serves as indisputable physical evidence.

When Kavon replied to the message I sent him, I could tell he was also surprised, and he even congratulated me, telling me to enjoy the day and that he’ll pass the message on to Sofya, it’s still pretty early and around this time she’s probably in class. By then I noticed Arthur walk into the kitchen, with a shirt in her hands, wearing a pair of my pants.

‘Ah…the image of her wearing a complete set of garments owned by me is a dangerous sight,’

“What’s up?” I asked to gulp down the lump forming in my throat,

“I borrowed pants, and you should put these on,” she answered, handing me the shirt she was holding, so f*cking considerate, yes I was feeling cold and I was planning to put something on. How f*cking sweet was that? I put down my phone and put on one sleeve after the other and gave her a kiss on the forehead, should’ve done more but I need to make her food first.

Just a few more and I’m done.

My phone buzzed and though I was reluctant to check it was just another text from Kavon which entails, ‘Bring show us your darling next time, Sofya would probably lose her mind if he sees you with a lady,’. He’s right too, that kid is always up in people’s business, too nosey for her own good.

It made me wince to think of that day and that scene again, I usually couldn’t care less but at that moment did I start learning that people’s worth is defined differently by the people around them. For the vile c*nt that tried to attack her, Sofya’s only worth to him is as any other victim that had the curse of meeting him.

But to me, initially, she was a child who stays in a place I work at, like she was also my responsibility. They said that helping others is such a rewarding task, but whenever I recall that day I just feel sick and revolted that it churns my stomach. It was perturbing to realize people even include children in their strike zone. Just plain disgusting.

Put me in a room filled with p*dophiles and watch me have the time of my life.

Although, I’m pretty sure I’m not one to think because frankly, I didn’t give a sh*t about kids before. To me they’re irrelevant. Until recently, that is.

‘Well, if we have time, maybe I’ll tell Arthur to drop by the school and give both Kavon and Sofya a peek at her,’

After all, I’d want to keep her all to myself if I could help it. Once the pancakes finished cooking, I turned off the stove and plated them before heading back to the lounge, but I could start hearing faint voices, Arthur must be talking to someone over the phone, and even though I want to I tried not to eavesdrop, it’s probably just—

“Awe, I love you too, Luca,”

…

What?

No…I must’ve heard wrong. Who the f*ck is Luca? It must be just a friend of hers. Right? She wouldn’t just say ‘I love you’ to some other man after spending a night with me…is what I told myself. It’s what I wanted to believe, but like hell I believed that.

It’s hard to convince yourself in a situation like that. She didn’t even notice me walking around, so I just dashed to my bedroom and gripped the edges of my closet. It’s the sturdiest thing in here, the only thing that wouldn’t take damage. My arms were shaking as a million and one thoughts ran over my head,

I tried to comb through all of our, few, mutual acquaintances and friends, and even with the small number I struggled to recall them when the logical part of my brain is being overpowered by the barbaric urge to ask her who and where the f*ck this ‘Luca’ is that she put on such a gentle expression before saying the words that I merely whisper in cold dark nights, each one directed at her.

‘s**t, this is bad, I… I want to kill something, anything, I want to beat the image of this unknown person with an inch of their life’

I need to leave.

I started putting on the usual clothes for when I go out. I’m being frantic that I’m probably missing a few layers and dressed too lightly for this.

Then again, I must be pissed enough to keep my body warm. I scoffed as I clothed myself. How f*cking pitiful could I be? How f*cking messed up am I to go in this trance over some f*cking words and assume the worst-case scenario in my head, and then, for added cherries on top, trigger my manic murderous trance on, what could be, over nothing?

So much for f*cking progress. Things like ‘changed’ or ‘improvements’…what f*cking bullsh*t, it looks like I’m still the same *sshole as before.

“Valya?” she called out, her call was probably over.

“Yes, I’m right here,” I called back.

Great, now maybe instead of storming out with pure rage, I could sit down and ask her about it like civilized people. I was begging myself at this point, but what came out of my mouth was, “You should eat first, I have something urgent I need to do,” and then I left without looking back. I was practically running out of the house.

I don’t want her to see me like this. I could tell she was happy to see me acting like a normal person, but the punchline is it's all acting. I was so sure that maybe I am genuinely getting better at this whole thing. I must’ve been so good at lying that I lied to myself. I don’t even know where I’m going. I left my phone and wallet. My main goal was to leave my house.

To spare Arthur from seeing this stupid f*cking episode that I’m putting on.

I pressed my palms to my eyes to ease my nerves that make my muscles stiff and combed my fingers through my hair, but it was no use. My thoughts go back to that moment, it wasn’t even that serious. It’s not like she proclaimed her love to another man on some rooftop, but—F*CK.

“Agh… messed up, I’m f*cking messed up,” I mumbled over and over again, that my jaws started aching with the cold.

For f*ck’s sake, she went to look for me in a foreign country. She must’ve had a tiring journey to get here, and I’m here throwing a f*cking tantrum over a damn ‘I love you’—f*ck that pissed me off.

Her voice sounded so sweet that if she ever directed those words to me I think I would just melt. But no. She couldn’t be that kind of woman in the first place. Sure, she does have some questionable taste in men, myself for f*cking starters, but this?...

The air was piercing needles against my skin, I’ve built up a very fragile immunity against it because who the f*ck would be even able to build up a tolerance and adapt to this sh*tty weather? I could see my breath cloud up as I take deep breaths. I need to find how I could settle these feelings without doing something rash. I think I saw a bar around here, but it’s still too early for that and I don’t even have money on me.

‘Sh*t, this is a real challenge for my creativity and desire for violence,’

I’ll just run. Running is exhausting, and in this weather? Horrendous. Still, some say the pain is one of the body’s biggest deterrents, maybe if my legs feel like they’re about to give out, my desire to cause absolute havoc would quell down.

‘F*ck this shit.’

I mentally cursed as I started taking a few steps, picking up speed for this impromptu run due to emotional turbulence. Just f*cking pathetic.