Finding Selene

Chapter Nine: 13 Years Prior To Present Day

The day had set in so fully by the time Selene woke up, pillow soaked in tears and drool, the light that shone behind her curtain lit up her room enough that the shadows were minimum. Groggy but rested, Selene stumbled out of her bed and into her bathroom to splash water on her face. She looked in the mirror at her hair, the sides matted to her neck and shoulders from tears, snot or drool, she didn’t know; at her eyes-bright but puffy and rimmed in red; at her nose that was slightly filmy crusted; at her mouth with thick drool in the corner. She turned the water on and cupped her hands under it, letting it pool, then splashed it on her face rubbing lightly. Unaware of where to find towels she pulled the collar of her top over her head and patted her face dry with the inside of her shirt. Walking back into her bedroom she heard voices that sounded like they were downstairs.

Excited for breakfast, Selene was borderline skipping down the stairs but when she entered the kitchen her stomach and heart dropped. Sierra and Bethany were finishing up dishes while Marcus, Michael, Mason, and Riley stood at various points around them laughing and conversing with each other. She tried to back away from the scene before her that should have been a moment of joy but instead was mass disappointment, but she was frozen in place with her mind going a mile a minute. She had missed breakfast, she let herself sleep too long and despite the large dinner the night before she was famished. Now she wouldn’t be allowed to eat until lunch, or maybe not until dinner to teach her not to be ungrateful and late to mealtimes. Her chest started tightening to the point of pain, sweat started beading on her forehead and cheeks despite the cool room, her lungs felt like they were wrapped up in a too small rubber band, and her back hit the wall as the room spun around her.

As everyone heard the thud and looked towards her it was Bethany that got to her first, recognizing the significance of what was happening as sure as she’d recognized the look in her own eyes many times over the years. She put one hand behind her, palm out towards the room to keep everyone at a distance. The other hand went to Selene’s shoulder, her grip firm but light as she guided her down to sit on the floor and sat beside her- shoulder to shoulder.

“Selene, I believe you’re having a panic attack. Have you ever had one before?” Bethany asked while moving her hand to the top of Selene’s knee.

While tears streamed down Selene’s face as she struggled to inhale deep enough to satisfy her aching lungs, she managed to nod her head once in confirmation. She wasn’t aware there was a name for this feeling, this loss of self, but it had happened to her many times over the years. The first time being when she was forced into a dark closet without Apollo because she hadn’t wanted to let her foster parents’ son play with him after he had given his dog his own stuffed animal to chew up. Selene screamed, begged, and pleaded until her throat burned, lungs refused to work, and she eventually passed out.

“Selene, I need you to try to focus on me. I’m going to run some ice down the inside of your arms, and it should help pull you out of it. Are you understanding what I’m saying?” At Bethany’s words Sierra quickly grabbed a clean hand towel from the drawer next to the stove and filled it with ice from the fridge’s ice machine. As Selene nodded her acknowledgement Bethany rubbed the ice along the sensitive middle of the under side of her forearm. It didn’t take long before the biting cold set in and Selene was able to pull air further into her lungs, gasps tuning to heavy quick inhales, but they were too quick and Bethany knew that she was going to hyperventilate if her breathing didn’t calm down.

“Selene, I need you to watch my breathing and follow me. It’s like follow the leader,” Bethany twisted around till she was sitting in front of Selene, knee to knee. Bethany waited till Selene’s gaze had focused on her and took a dramatically deep breath inhaling for seven seconds, then held it for seven seconds before exhaling for seven seconds. Bethany repeated this for seven cycles, making sure Selene was following her example each time. As the seventh round of breathing ended Bethany took a deep breath and leaned forward to wrap her arms around Selene’s shoulders, rubbing her back. Bethany blinked several times to clear the tears from her own eyes and traumas from her mind’s eye.

Selene’s flowing tears reduced to sniffles and her breathing was even against Bethany’s shoulder before she raised her arms and clasped her hands behind Bethany in a hug. Bethany felt her shirt wet as Selene’s tears started flowing again, and simply held her rubbing her back then moving her hand further up to pet her hair. Once her tears had slowed again Selene sat back and rested her head against the wall with her eyes closed for a moment.

“I’m so sorry,” Selene sniffled and opened her eyes, fully prepared to be chastised for impeding everyone’s day along with missing breakfast.

“Oh, baby girl, you’ve no reason to be sorry. These things happen sometimes… when our bodies and brains cannot cope with the amount of stress we sometimes deal with.” Sierra crouched in front of Selene and rested a hand on her shoulder, “The important thing is that we talk about what happened and why it triggered that reaction. Do you know what triggered you?”

“Triggered?” Selene asked curiously.

“What were you thinking about, feeling, or experiencing right before it happened,” Sierra clarified.

Selene rubbed her upper arm and inhaled, sniffled, and inhaled again, “I missed breakfast, and I didn’t want to get in trouble…” Selene lowered her voice, “And I was hungry and excited for breakfast. I’m sorry I missed breakfast and messed up everyone’s day.”

Out of the corner of Selene’s eye she saw Riley move across the kitchen and closed her eyes, not wanting to see anyone’s anger or disappointment. Feeling Riley now in front of her- smelling of sweet and savory- curiosity got the better of her and Selene opened her eyes. In front of her was not only Riley but a plate with five large pancakes and four sausage patties, still steaming. Tears once again filled Selene’s eyes as she realized she was wrong, she wouldn’t have to go hungry after all. They had saved her more than enough food.

Sierra hesitated a moment and then looked at Selene sadly, “I’d like to pick you up, is that okay baby?” Selene sniffed and nodded her head hesitantly. Sierra stood up and then bent over in front of Selene before wrapping one arm behind Selene’s back and under her arm and the other arm under her knees. Standing up, Sierra held Selene to her chest and sat down in a chair, still cradling her to her chest while she rubbed her back. She softly began to hum deep in her chest and then a soft song started to pour beautifully from her lips, “A la nanita nana, nanita ea, nanita ea…mi nina tiena suena, bendita sea, bendita sea, a la nanita nana, nanita ea, nanita ea…”

Selene wrapped her arms around Sierras neck and buried her head deeper into her shoulder. Her small fingers twirling in her hair and slowly coming to a stop as she fell back asleep, her little body needing to recover from the emotional rollercoaster, the emotional and physical trauma from her panic attack. Michael stepped toward Sierra, tears swimming in his own eyes, knowing that the amount of trauma Selene had gone through at such a young age must have been exponential. Sierra shook her head and whispered softly to Michael.

“Will you go sign up Selene for school? We will move the day’s plans back but that is time sensitive. Bethany,” Sierra looked at her oldest daughter, “We need to have a conversation. I’m so sorry I never noticed but I am so proud of you for being there for Selene.”

Bethany quietly walked closer to her mom and sat on the floor at her feet, resting her head on Sierras knee, tears silently streaming down her face as she tried to cope with the emotional rollercoaster the morning had took her on. She wasn’t used to having to deal with her panic attacks in front of people, much less dealing with the repercussions of suppressing her emotions with an audience. But having her mom here, a pillar in the storm- even silently, it was a greater comfort than she could have ever imagined.