A walk through my life

chapter 1- how everything started

Presentation

So, for those who know me in real life: please be kind. I'm trying to hold my sh*t together. For those of you who doesn't know me: you"ll by the end of the book.

**Have in mind that some of the chapters are going to be rough and talk about a bunch of triggers but I'll warn you before.**

This is how it went down

I always been told that I'm very smart and intelligent, that I've a quick train of thought and I can speak very well in public without feeling any onus so I would be a very successful person in the future; friends, family, teachers, everybody used to say that so I started to believe in that. I took all those re-affirmations and began to get confident in my potential: that's when the sh*t hit the fan.

For years I've been struggling with the fact that I'm a pleaser and not in the fun way. People notice this and take advantage because they know I'll do almost anything to help or make their lives easier. I'm gonna try to do this chronologically but forgive me if I can't.

Looking back I can see the first real problem was at 5th grade (I was 11yo), when I scr*ew up my left ankle, almost everyone in my class made fun of me and at first I tried to talk back but it was pointless since nobody stopped, so then, I joined them in the name calling thinking it would help (it didn't) and then I realized the reason wasn't my foot being in a cast, it was because I didn't act like the other girls.

**Something that you should know: I've always been skinny, like, no butt and no breasts,(a lot of zit though)and I had my period late (13yo) so I didn't catch any boy's eyes you know.**

So in order to have friends or the boy's attention I started to learn how to dance brazilian funk (wich I su*k at), hug buys and play a game wich allowed then to sl*p my butt and I could do it to then as well. But that gave them ideas and they soon started to touch in places I didn't gave permission to.

When I told them I didn't like they told me they couldn't help themselves because I was hot...I didn't feel that way, I felt dirty and they treated me like I was easy and I know I'm the one who agreed about playing that f*cking game but all I ever wanted was to fit in.

My grades went down and for the first time my mom was called in the school by the coordinator, I couldn't tell her about the game since none of the teachers knew about it so I didn't told them about the touching and abusive words. I was being bullied and couldn't do anything about it.

That situation kept going on until one day I snapped with the buy who tried to slap my as*, instead, all he gained was a slap in the face and one in his back, that day forward they stopped messing with me.

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Skipping to my 6th grade, I had chicken pox for the 2nd time and the marks are here to prove, anyways, I had a crush in a emo boy and I didn't had the courage to tell him so one of my friend did it for me, worst mistake ever, I was sitting with my back in his direction and he came to see my face, when he saw the scars from the chicken pox he laughed out loud right in front of me, saying to his friend that I was ugly, like I wasn't even there. That truly made me think I wasn't worth a dime but let's skip the moment where all I could do was cry.

That same year I met a very nice guy but we only were going to be friends for the next 3 and something years so we're going to come back here later ? ok.

Trigger warning ⚠️: self harming, beginning of depression and under age drinking.

I don't remember quite well when I started to c*t my wrists, upper thighs and arms (but I know I have all those scars till today so I won't forget to treat myself with patient and self-love) although I remember the first time I feelt the sting and saw the blood run, it wasn't that deep, just enough to bleed and the scar stay on my skin. I always thought that I could do something more if I didn't care about who would find out so I started to drink a little bit everyday (yes, I was 12), also I stopped eating regularly, how do you ask ? My father kept a bottle of cheap whiskey in the fridge and since my parents worked all day, my sister (they're twins, younger than me) went to school in the afternoon, I had the house all to myself so I stopped having lunch everyday and the days I didn't eat, I drank; easy right ? too easy actually.