Love from the Past

This is not a happy memory

“Look, this is all your fault”, Gary told Blaise.

“How the hell is this my fault, Gary, when I had no idea what was going on?” Blaise asked, getting angry with the pointless accusations. “Please, enlighten me.”

“You filled Johnny’s mind with serving in the army and going away for heaven knows how long. She lost both of her rocks in one day. That made her break down”, Gary said in anger.

“So, what you’re saying that even though she had both parents AND two brothers who remained at home with her, AND all of her friends, she broke down because only two people were not around anymore. Is that it?” Blaise asked Gary.

Gary didn’t answer him. He realized that what he was saying didn’t make sense, but he had to blame someone else.

“That’s enough. This was not Johnny’s or Blaise’s fault. We were the ones with her and we should’ve taken better care of her”, Andy said.

“We have all failed her”, Johnny said. “The truth is, it all began before Blaise and Pricilla started dating. We should all have said no, but we thought she would be better and happier so we all took advantage of that.”

“What are you talking about?” Blaise asked. He had never noticed anything different on Pricilla other than she would be thinner sometimes. But that seemed normal with teenage girls wanting to be thinner by the day. Some would even become ill because of that. He could name a couple of girls from school in his time that got really sick because of it.

Andy and Walter started explaining to Blaise what had happened, from the beginning. This was not the time to hide things anymore. He had to understand what was going on so he could truly help.

“Pricilla had always been our little light. She was a happy child and loved running around and chasing you guys. But, suddenly, she started getting sad. She was around 8 and we had no idea what was happening to her. We took her to lots of different doctors and hospitals. When she was 9 she was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

She started going to therapy and, for a while she was improving. We started traveling more and decided to create happy memories. But, when she was almost thirteen, her disorder changed into acute depression and she would only be happy around you and Johnny. We tried everything but nothing made her as happy as being close to the two of you.

When you decided to enlist, and Johnny too, we knew what we were up against, so started taking her to a psychologist and she started taking some medicine to prepare for your departure. But, after you two left, she got worse. She stopped eating and going out. Going to school was really hard and we tried our best to get her to be better, but none of us was capable of so. We were so worried and we had exhausted all our options. So, Walter talked to one of his school friends who works in the army to help you guys call home at least one a week to talk to her.

In the end, it helped because she had something to look forward to each week. She started gaining weight, and taking care of herself. Her only purpose was to be better each week to not worry the two of you. It’s not like we have not tried. We did. But she is only happy around the two of you.”

“Why have none of you told me this sooner?” Blaise asked, feeling disappointed by their attitude. “If I had known about this, I would have never talked about California or the fire fighting training. I would have stayed around and helped her. I’m only hearing all of this now. When I insistently asked what was wrong with her, when I noticed she was losing weight and when I showed my concerns, all of you just brushed it away and dismissed my concerns.

Now, we’re in this situation where Pricilla is running away, expecting a child and possibly trying to find drugs to feel better. I have no idea who this Calvin guy is, what places she goes to and what she’s using. If I had been fully aware of her health and situation, I would have been of bigger help. Now, I feel like I’m drowning and lost because I have no idea what to do or where to start looking for her. What are we going to do?”

“You can’t put that responsibility and guilt on our shoulders. You left first and we stayed. We did our best”, Gary snapped at Blaise. He was angry and frustrated because all their problems started when Blaise came into their lives.

“I’m not blaming you because of what happened to her. I’m blaming you for not sharing with me her problems since the beginning. As you said, she was always happy around me and Johnny and on our trips. It never occurred to me that she was going through it all.

You seem to have something against me since my father started working here. So, if you hate me so much, why didn’t you just throw it in my face that she was so miserable?! Why didn’t you just made me give everything up and come back running?” Blaise asked Gary. He really needed him to man up and start acting like he should have.

“Mom and dad made me not to. Many times I wanted to, but they made me not tell you. And Johnny didn’t tell you either. Nor Luke. None of your friends told you about it. Apparently, you’ll break easily and not be able to help Pricilla”, Gary said, starting a huge discussion among his brothers and parents.

“You already blamed yourself for what happened to your father, and we didn’t want you to blame yourself for this too. We know how difficult it has been for you. You have grown into this amazing man and changed so much. We were just afraid coming back would make us lose you too”, Andy said, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“You’re right, Gary. They might have thought that. But you should’ve said something. I’m disappointed at all of them, but I’m angry at you. You had the power to make things not get to this point. And you caved in. If you don’t start acting like a real man and owning your mistakes, this world will eat you alive”, Blaise said, standing up. “I’ll talk to Johnny and Luke some other time. I don’t think we have anything else to talk about. I’ll see myself out.”

No one said anything while he left. Blaise headed straight to his car parked outside and left the house he once called his home. After he was discharged from the army, he bought himself a small apartment in the suburbs, but this was still his home. This was where he learned so much and had brothers to help out.

Now, it felt like a lie. It felt like he had been used for someone else’s well-being. He would have still been around Pricilla, but he wouldn’t have dated her, he thought. Maybe this relationship was what made everything worse. However, now was not the time to think about what ifs.

Blaise turned his car on and drove out of the Matthews’ estate. He started driving around town, trying to remember all the places he had been with Pricilla. It truly felt like a dream, because he could not believe what his life had turned out to be.

He never knew his mother and was raised by a single father. His father, who was the most righteous man he ever saw in his life, was also loving and caring. He died when Baise was 10 and they were returning from spending the whole day together. He remembers his father laughing and how happy they were. He was driving and a drunk driver hit their car, killing his father instantly. Blaise was saved because he was in the back seat. His girlfriend turned out to be a drug addict, running away from him and her family and still expecting a child - he was no longer sure that her child was also his. And the people who had called themselves his friends and family had stabbed him in the back.

Blaise had no idea what was going on and he really needed to talk to someone by his side now. He had learned how to do and get things accomplished by himself, but he was tired of being and feeling alone. He always thought he would be able to count on Pricilla for that, but it turned out, he had always been alone and wrong about that.

‘It honestly doesn’t matter if the child is mine or not. I’ll raise it just like my father did. It will be the two of us and no one will find us. It’s time I take control of my life again. I’ll find Pricilla, but our relationship is over’, Blaise thought to himself, decided to make the changes necessary for him to be really happy.