Unrealistic

6. S.E.X. is S.E.X.

Avoid it? 

“I thought it was nice,” I remark, kind of sad.

“Don’t get me wrong, Syl,” he says putting his hand on my knee with one still on the steering wheel. “It was amazing… it’s just… I don’t know if I can stop myself next time from going further.”

I contemplate what to say. I can’t help but feel disappointed as I come down from my high.

“Patrick, can I ask you something?” I feel a little braver, tackling the curiosity I’ve been harboring.

“Sure, Syl.” He gently squeezes my knee and I try to ignore the sensation it gives me.

“How far is too far?” I try to ask, but the car gives a sudden jerk and Patrick’s hand leaves my knee to steady the car again.

“What do you mean?” he asks, exasperated.

I give it a minute before I elaborate. The last thing we need is to have an accident.

“I just mean,” I try again. “You said earlier we can’t cross a line… Well, what does that actually mean? Where do we draw the line?”

Given our heated exchange, I can’t keep trying to guess. My body already hates me.

“Are you being serious?” he asks me, as we pull into my neighborhood.

“Yes, Patrick,” I say a little frustrated. “How am I supposed to know if we’re going too far?”

He stares ahead for a bit before pulling over to the side of the road, a street away from my house. He parks the car and turns to look at me.

“You know I’m a virgin, and last we talked you are too, right?” he asks.

“Well, yes. That hasn’t changed.”

I try not to sound annoyed that I even have to confirm that.

“And we talked about how we wanted to wait for marriage-”

“Well you did,” I pointed out.

He looks at me with a dubious expression.

“I haven’t really figured it all out,” I say.

“Syl, if you’re a Christian, abstinence is everything,” he says with so much conviction, I feel like I’m in Sunday service.

“I am a Christian,” I proclaim. “I just don’t understand what’s off-limits is all.”

He exhales with relief.

“Well that should be obvious,” he says condescendingly. “We can kiss but we just need to keep our clothes on and then we won’t be tempted.”

I just look at the road in front of us. That’s not really what I was asking but it’s five minutes before I need to be home.

“Clothes stay on,” I say. “Gotcha.”

And with that he pats my knee like a child and starts the car up again.

* * *

“Did you two sort everything out?” mom asks as I slump onto the couch next to her.

I cradle the tub of ice cream and let out a huge sigh.

“Yes… and no,” I say in between bites of rocky road.

“Well, I don’t see tears…” mom observes. “So I assume you’re still together?”

I nod.

“So what’s with the stress eating?” she asks, trying not to judge but her smile gives it away.

I take one more big spoonful before placing the tub on the coffee table. I turn and get into a more comfortable position on the couch so I can better face her.

“We can talk about anything, right mom?

“Of course honey,” she says as she gets into a comfortable position herself.

She must know by now when I need one of our serious talks.

“It’s just..” I take a deep breath. “I was with Patrick earlier, and we kissed, like Peyton kissing Lucas, kissing. And… OH gawd, nothing more than that mom! Anyways… It was nice. Really nice. So then we started talking about marriage… not like us getting married… but when we might, who knows if we are together… but whoever we marry… and I know in church they always talk about how you’re supposed to save yourself… and blah blah blah… which don’t get me wrong. I think I do want to wait… well no, I really do. It’s the Christian thing to do, right?”

My mom recovers from the mild shock I gave her and now her face relaxes as she sorts through my little rant.

“As a Christian woman and your mom,” she starts, “Ideally, yes, you should wait until marriage. You know I didn’t and I’m not saying God punished me for not waiting, because Mallory and you are true blessings… but I wonder if maybe I would have had a happier marriage…”

I contemplate her words. She says them with such sadness but I know it’s because she and my father never truly divorced. Both of their parents gave them so much grief for not staying under the same roof together, they just couldn’t deal with the inevitable chaos that would ensue if they filed the papers mom keeps in a drawer in her study. My mom was so certain at the time but they guilted her with “divorce is a sin in God’s eyes” so much that she just settled for dad moving across the country.

“Anyways,” she continues. “It’s really your choice, but I need you to seriously consider the consequences of those choices.”

I look at her with understanding but it’s nothing I didn’t already take seriously. I know she got pregnant with Mallory really young and it was why she got married in the first place.

“I know what happens with s*x,” I assure her, “It’s just, are there other things that are okay to do? And if there are… can you tell me?”

I nervously twirl the ends of Patrick’s cardigan I’m still wearing, unsure if I will finally get some answers.

“Are you talking about oral s*x?” my mother asks with raised eyebrows.

“Oral?” I ask, hoping she doesn’t freak out but actually explains what it is.

“Honey, s*x is s*x,” she says firmly. “Oral s*x might not be actual intercourse, but it is the kind of intimacy that will likely lead to-”

“But what is it??” I ask, my curiosity on the brink of explosion.

Mom looks incredibly uncomfortable now and my hopes begin to dwindle. She looks like she’s having some sort of internal debate when she finally says…

“It’s a lot of groping and a lot of…” she looks a bit tormented. “It’s just what leads to intercourse.”

And that is the end of that.

“Okay,” I say, realizing this might be the first time we won’t be talking about everything.

“I’m sorry Sylvia,” she says, and I can tell she means it. “It’s just, if you really want to wait until marriage, which I’m not going to lie to you… I hope you really do. I just don’t think you should concern yourself with the other stuff… It will just be the kind of temptation that never leads to anything good.”

“Thanks mom, you’re right as always,” is the last thing I say before turning to face the TV again and grabbing the ice cream back up. “Oh look! We can catch the rerun of tonight’s episode of Smallville!”

Mom is only too happy for the distraction. I try to pay attention to Clark Kent’s awkward conversation with Lana but I’m so frustrated that I can’t stop thinking of the ones I’ve been having lately. The ones that say nothing.

>>

Do you mind if we push our date back til closer to dinner tomorrow? I’ve got a lot of schoolwork I need to catch up on. SEND.

>> …

PATRICK CONELY: That sucks because I already miss you! I understand though. Give me a call when you’re ready for me to pick you up, okay?

>> …

I will! Good night! XOXO. SEND.

>> …

PATRICK CONELY: *muah* Night beautiful!

>>

Sorry for my late response. Tomorrow around noon sounds perfect if you’re still down! SEND.

>>

ANDY BISHOP: No problemo. I’ll always be down for you ; ) 

>>

“Mallory you’re pushing your 12 o’clock curfew!” mom says to Mallory who looks like she just ran a marathon.

“Sorry mom!” Mallory exclaims, “Hector just got his acceptance letter to University for the theater program, so we were celebrating.”

“Tell him congratulations honey!” Mom is genuinely happy. “You’ll both be really great there.”

“I know!” Mallory says, “I was kind of worried when he didn’t get his letter yet.”

Mallory got hers right before break. I don’t even want to think about applying for colleges, yet.

“Well I’m heading off to bed,” Mallory says, “His parents want to have an early lunch with his grandparents and they invited me.”

“Okay honey,” mom says, “We probably should all get some shut eye anyways.”

I took my opportunity to catch Mallory before she shut herself in her room for the night.

“Hey Mallory!”

“Hey Syl, what’s up?” She leaves the door mid-close so I can make my way in.

“Do you think you’ll have time to drop me off at Andy's before your lunch? We have another study sesh around noon.”

“Sesh?” she looks at me suspiciously.

“Yes, ‘sesh’ is cool again,” I shrug. “Could you?”

“Yeah that should be fine, I told Hector I would be there around 12:30 anyways.”

“Thanks!” I say as I get up from the bed to leave.

“Wait! You haven’t asked me about my night.”

She’s right. There wasn’t a single time I didn’t always ask her how her night went.

“How was it?” I ask, genuinely.

“Promise you won’t say anything?” she insists.

“I swear!”

“Hector and I… well we… did it.” she says blushing.

“Wait! You did it??” I couldn’t believe it.

“Yes! I mean we had been talking about it for a while. And earlier when you asked me about if I wanted to wait. I didn’t see the need to, now that we’re both going to University together.”

“How was it? Is it as painful as they say?” I ask hoping that I might get answers to this, at least.

“A little, yes,” she says. “But Hector was really patient with me. He’s had experience before and he really knew what he was doing.”

“Wow,” is all I could come up with.

“I know!” she says with more blushing than I have ever seen her have.

Mallory is the bold and confident type. There were very little challenges she didn’t meet head on, and she rarely showed her vulnerable side.

“Do you feel different?” I ask.

“Not really, no,” she says. “At least not like I expected. Like… it was an amazing experience and if anything I feel closer to him than ever.”

“Aww. I’m glad it was a good experience.” I say. “I kind of had a new experience myself.”

Her eyes become so huge.

“I didn’t have s*x!” I say solemnly. “But we kissed pretty intensely.”

She giggles a little, which is not what I expected.

“Aww you’re so cute Syl,” she says. “I remember when Hector and I were like that in the beginning.”

I don’t think she meant to, but I kind of felt like she was mocking my experiences.

“Well I guess that’s all I can expect unless we get married one day,” I say a bit annoyed.

“Marriage? Syl… Hector and I haven’t even talked about marriage. Isn’t it too soon?” She looks a little concerned.

“Well maybe that’s something you should have done before you did the deed” I say haughtily.

She immediately looks stunned. I can tell my outburst kind of hurt her.

“I’m sorry Mallory…” I try to apologize. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“It's fine Sylvia,” she says. “I’m really tired. Do you mind shutting off the light when you leave?”

Ouch.

“Okay…. Goodnight then,” I say as I get up.

She says nothing and I know she’s really upset. I flip the switch and close the door behind me. I don’t know why I’m being super sensitive, she didn’t deserve that. I head to my room and climb into bed. I hear my text tone go off.

>>

ANDY BISHOP: Sorry if you’re sleeping… but can I say that I can’t wait to see you? Sweet dreams gorgeous goddess. 

>>

I sigh. I know I’m playing with fire, but the only person I know who might not shy away from having the conversation I so desperately want… so desperately need… is Andy.

* * *