Unrealistic

10. To Keep Singing

I grab the microphone and take a deep breath. I hear the piano play the familiar notes to the song I chose to sing. I close my eyes to avoid the looks from the bystanders in the pews. I exhale and take another breath before singing the first verse.

“Another rainy day

I can't recall having sunshine on my face

All I feel is pain

All I want to do

Is walk out of this place

But when I am stuck and I can't move

When I don't know what I should do

When I wonder if I'll ever make it through”

I pause with the music and let my voice get stronger.

“I gotta keep singing

I gotta keep praising Your name

You’re the one that's keeping my heart beating

I gotta keep singing

I gotta keep praising Your name

That's the only way that I'll find healing

Can I climb up in Your lap

I don't want to leave

Jesus sing over me

I gotta keep singing”

As the music continues to play, all I can think about is needing to finish this song with all I have.

“Can I climb up in Your lap

I don't want to leave

Jesus sing over me

Oh You're everything I need

And I gotta keep singing”

The music from the piano plays out the final notes and it is met with silence. I open my eyes and most of the band members in the front pew are smiling.

“That was really great,” Brian finally says with fellow murmurs of agreement. “MercyMe is one of my favorite bands. What made you choose this song?”

I think over his question.

“Honestly,” I began, “when I first heard this song, I was at a point where I really resented that my dad wasn’t around. When I kept listening to the song, it was the first time I felt like I would be okay. That if I kept turning to God, I would be okay.”

“That’s so awesome,” Lindsey says breathlessly. “It made me cry.”

She fans her eyes and  some of the girls that are sitting in a pew further away agreed while also fanning their teary eyes.

“Well, shall we put it to a vote?” Jeremy asks the other members. 

The pianist, Ethan, joins them and they begin to whisper amongst themselves. I see a lot of nodding and smiling as I stand there awkwardly. I feel as though I’m on trial awaiting my verdict from my peers. I begin to feel torn by the positivity radiating from them. If they chose me, would I accept? 

“Sylvia Booker, if you would like to join the youth band,” Patrick says, addressing me, “we would love to have you.”

I think about it as I see them all smiling at me. I really feel stuck now and can’t move. I can’t think and I don’t really want to decide right now.

“Sylvia?” Patrick looks worried.

He really wants me to join and I’m beginning to feel the pressure of it all.

“Yes,” I hear myself say.

They all cheer and I try my best to smile as Patrick comes up to hug me. 

What did I just do?

 *          *          *

“Sylvia I didn’t know you were going to start singing with the church band!” Mom says to me when I come into the kitchen.

Patrick just dropped me off after an hour-long rehearsal for the music for the following Sunday.

“I didn’t know either,” I say as I grab the rocky road out of the freezer.

“Uh-oh,” mom says, spotting the tub. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong,” I say. “It’s just… I only agreed to audition and everyone was smiling at me and saying ‘join us’ with their eyes and I couldn’t say no when they asked.”

“You didn’t want to join?” mom asks, concerned.

“I wanted time to think about it.” I say, “Before I knew it I’m being handed all the music sheets for next Sunday and practicing them over and over and over.”

Mom laughs. 

“Was the rehearsal that bad?” she asks.

“Well, no,” I admit. “It’s just I don’t think I connect to the music the same way everyone else does.”

“Sylvia, that’s perfectly normal,” mom assures me. “There is no perfect way we reach God. He speaks to us in different ways and the way you connect to it, is the way you should.”

“I guess,” I say, unconvinced. 

“Just give it a try for a month,” mom says. “After that, if you don’t feel like it’s a good fit, go ahead and quit. It won’t ban you from church altogether.” 

She’s joking but in the back of my mind I wonder if Patrick would take it really hard.

“I guess you’re right,” I say to her. “How did you find out anyways?”

“Oh you know church gossip,” mom says with a shrug. “I might not help circulate it but I stay in the loop. That Donna Fletcher has to be kept in line when the rumors are false.”

“And when they’re not?” I ask, curious of what she will say.

“Well, there’s no point in hiding the truth, is there?” mom says without missing a beat.

If there’s one other thing I didn’t like outside of the fake smiles, it was the gossip train that ran through Forest Baptist Church. Mrs. Donna Fletcher was the biggest culprit but she wasn’t alone. A lot of the women in that church couldn’t help themselves. They talked about everything to anyone who would listen. 

I scoop a few more bites of the nutty-chocolate marshmallow goodness. I count myself lucky that the only rumor that has been spread about me is my current decision to join the youth band.

*          *          *

“Are you serious!?” 

“YES! Oh my gosh! I can’t believe it either,” Amy says, her cheeks flushing.

“How did he ask you?” I ask excitedly.

“Well he said he’s been wanting to ask me something since we first became lab partners weeks ago,” Amy says smiling. “He said he’s liked me since freshman year and then he asked me to a movie this weekend.”

“Oh wow, Amy! I’m so happy for you!” 

I really am. The last month she’s been gushing over Jared and wasn’t sure if he felt the same way about her. 

“What movie are you going to watch?” 

“He says the new Will Smith movie ‘Hitch’ will be out,” she says.

“Aww the trailer looked funny,” I say. 

“You and Patrick should come!” she suggests suddenly.

“You don’t want it to just be the two of you?” I ask.

“Honestly, my mom would more likely agree if it’s a group date,” she says. “Please come!”

“Umm… okay,” I say. “If you’re sure, I’ll ask Patrick what he thinks.”

“How are you guys?” Amy asks.

“We’re good,” I say. “He’s happy that I’m sticking with the youth band. I just feel like it takes up a lot of time. Brian wants to start scheduling practices on Saturdays, and I’m already swamped with school work.”

“You still partnered with Andy?” she asks.

“Well after our report, we partnered on the frog dissection lab, but he’s been absent a lot since so I got assigned a different partner,” I say. “Why?”

“I was just wondering,” Amy says. “You haven’t really mentioned him.”

“I guess there’s really nothing to say about someone who isn’t around,” I say with a shrug. 

I think Amy is trying to make a point but I’ve been avoiding the resentment I feel about Andy’s absence. I’ve been avoiding the thought that I might be missing him.

“You know who won’t be happy about Jared asking you out?” 

Amy’s eyes get big as her smile gets wide.

“MARIE!” she laughs with the realization.

“Please shout it from the rooftops!” I say gleefully.

I can’t help but laugh too. Patrick let it slip that Marie's been talking about her crush on Jared. I can’t say I was too surprised but also, I can’t say I’m not petty to want to see her reaction in sixth period, either. I still reckon she’s got a thing for Patrick, but she hides behind her “crush” anyhow.

“Oh my gosh, we’re not being nice,” Amy says between fits of laughter.

“Well, I can’t say her behavior has been either,” I say defensively.

Rehearsing with the band the last few weeks, I realize how much Marie is around. She’s always holding meetings with the same group of girls in the pews rather than in a vacant classroom. She places herself in Patrick’s line of vision and I see her always trying to catch his eye.  I have to resist yelling at her into my mic every time she bursts into loud, obnoxious laughter to get his attention. 

“You’re right,” Amy agrees. “Well today we’re supposed to be playing badminton, we’ll just pick a net close to hers.” 

Amy continues to plot as I get lost in my thoughts. A random guy with a blue cap just sat down with his lunch at a nearby table. Why am I missing Andy right now? I clearly get annoyed with Marie when it comes to Patrick. Maybe it’s just because I’m worried about how much Andy has been absent. 

I’m just concerned, is all.

*         *         *

Amy stays true to her word and immediately sets up at a net next to where Marie is playing with three other girls from gym class. Bethany and her friend Caitlyn join us at our net. 

“Did you guys hear about Amy’s news?” I say loudly.

Playing badminton is perfect because I actually do have to shout to the other side for them to hear me.

“What’s new?” Bethany asks in between hitting the birdie back and forth.

“Jared West asked Amy out on a date!” I shout, making sure I could see Marie’s face.

“LUCKY!” Caitlyn yells as she aggressively hits the birdie over.

I forget she’s on the softball team as well, so they get pretty competitive with any sport. I almost get too distracted by the birdie launched directly at me but I don’t miss the sour look on Marie’s face. She also missed the birdie coming right at her.

“I KNOW!” Amy shouts, sending the birdie into the net. “He’s SO CUTE!”

“Agreed!” Bethany says enthusiastically. “He’s no Brandon, but he’s totally top-list at this school.” 

“Total hottie!’ Caitlin agrees.

They continue shouting their praises at Amy and I can’t help but notice Marie becoming more and more… sad. I kind of feel bad for her so I try to change the subject to Amy’s disappointment.

“When’s the first softball game?” I ask the girls on the other side of the net. 

“End of next month! You ladies going to support your fellow lady falcons at the game?”

Amy and I agree we will come. The softball team has actually gotten more recognition after their regional tournament win last year. We continue to play until we hear the whistle signaling us to hit the locker rooms. We make our way into the locker room and grab our things to shower and change. 

“Congrats on your date with Jared!” I hear a familiar voice say behind us.

It’s Marie.

“Thanks,” Amy says turning around.

“Listen, I know we don’t really know each other,” Marie says, “but with Sylvia and I being more involved in church together, maybe we can be friends?” 

Amy looks at me awkwardly. I really don't even know what to say at this point.

“Umm... “ Amy hesitates. “Sure.” 

“Great!” Marie says smiling. 

She actually looks genuinely happy.

“Maybe we can all get together this weekend?” she suggests.

“Well Sylvia and I talked about a group date to see the new movie ‘Hitch’” Amy tries to say.

“That’s perfect! I’ll have to find a date! But I would love to come!” she says, inviting herself.

“Oh, okay, yeah,” Amy realizes her mistake. “I guess you can let Sylvia know?”

She looks at me apologetically.

“Yeah,” I finally say through this weird exchange. “Yeah I can just get your number from Patrick.”

“No need!” Marie says. 

She runs over to her locker and rummages through her purse. She grabs a small planner and scribbles something down. She rips the paper and comes back over.

“Here’s my number,” she says. “You can write your number here.”

She hands me her planner and I am obligated to write my number down.

“Amy you too,” she says. 

I hand the planner and pen to Amy who reluctantly takes it. After she’s done she hands it back to Marie.

“See you girls around!” Marie says with a wink before grabbing her things.

I don’t say anything else to Amy about what just transpired between us, in case Marie can hear us. I just give her a shrug and continue to get ready for the end of the school day. It has been a weird one indeed.

*          *          *