Chocolates and Beer

XVII

7 years ago.

"I'll get better, Jean. Don't worry."

"But mom. "How come you're just telling me this now?" I was crying in frustration. We're together all the time. How come I didn't notice that she'd been struggling? If it was not for the accident, I would not know that she'd been battling cancer. Was this also the reason why she's pushing me to go to my father's?

"What can you do? It's my body. It won't magically heal just because I told you."

"But at least, I could've taken care of you better."

"It's okay. You always took care of me. What more can I ask for?"

"Jean?" The man my mother loved called for me. He went back to Canada when I refused to go with him. But now, he's back again.

"What are you doing here?"

"I heard about your mom."

"So what?"

"Jean, please." He begged.

"What do you want?"

"Let me take you to Canada."

"Aren't we done talking 'bout this?"

"Not just you, let me take you both. I mean, it is much more advanced in Canada. The hospital. We can try it there. Let me take care of her. Let me take care of both of you. It's the least I can do after all these years. Please. Jean."

"Did you tell Mom about this?"

"Yes, but she refused. She's more concerned about you."

"But I'd do anything for her." I feel guilty about the way I acted. Despite being in pain, mom still puts me first.

"I know. I know, so let's give it a chance. Okay?"

"Okay." I was hesitant but agreed.

"Thank you," he replied in relief.

Even though I'm not fully in favor of going to Canada due to my issues with my father, I cannot put my mother's life on the line. He was right. Aside from the advanced health care, he has money to pay for her medication. My mind tried to forget who are the people involved in the accident and just focus on taking care of my mother. Canada is a distant place. Far from here. We can start fresh there. I will take Dan and Aunt once we get settled in. I didn't want to admit it, but I felt my mother's happiness when he came back. I never heard her say a bad thing about him. It's always understanding and just pure love. How can a person be like this? I always thought that she was an angel, but at some point, a stupid one also. I can't figure out how in the world she didn't hate him after all the things that happened. It's been a month, we've been trying. Mom is doing her best. All we can do is pray. And after 6 months, she got out of the hospital. They said that she was all better now and cancer free. I was on cloud 9 when I heard that. All the prayers worked. God is on our side. That was the very first time I was thankful to my father. I forgot all the hardships before and for once felt so grateful that he came back to our lives. I was happy that I would finally have a family. Until I found out about the lies, the words that Dan uttered kept ringing in my head. "She was never fine. She only has a little time left. Jean, she just doesn't want you to know". I closed my eyes praying that it'd all be a dream. I've been crying the whole night. All the things I discovered in the span of 30 min have been keeping me awake ever since.

***

"Hi. I'm Jacob. I'm the person who contacted you. I'm sorry for making you come all the way here." Finally, I managed to do something that could make Jin get some closure. I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but I want to do something for him.

"It's no problem. I have plans here, anyway. So, are you Jin?" The woman asked.

"Yes, this is my brother Jin. Jin, this is Mrs. Carter. She's the nurse of the person you're looking for."

"Hi. I'm Jin. Uhm..."

"I know. You must be surprised. I'm sorry I'm not the person you are looking for. I used to be the nurse of Mrs. Nilda, the person you're looking for."

"Nurse?"

"Yes, her husband hired me to personally take care of her. Of course, it's just not me. Hmmm, her husband is quite the man. He made sure that she was being monitored every second of the day. And only the best doctors look after her. But..."

"But? How is she?"

"She passed away. It's just that money can't be the answer to everything."

"Why?"

"Well, she's sick. She has a weak body, so..."

"Was it because of something? That made her weak? Like an accident?"

"Jin!" I held his hands. I know that the memory of the accident is taking over him.

"No dear. She's been battling cancer," said Mrs. Carter said the details.

"Do you know where she's buried, Mrs. Carter?" Jacob asked.

"No, dear. I'm sorry." She regretfully replied.

"How 'bout her family?" Jin asked.

"I'm sorry. I'm actually here because the director told me about your brother. The director and the husband are friends and I got a message from them that I can tell you what happened, but about where they are and other things, even their names, I can't tell you. I'm sorry. Honestly, I don't know where they are now either. All I know is that Mrs. Nilda got back home with her daughter. But when she passed away..."

"What happened?" Jin asked.

"You know. I attended Mrs. Nilda's funeral. They said her last wish was to be buried in Canada. So, her husband took her back. I guess Canada became so special to her. But I never saw her daughter." Mrs. Carter said.

"She was a bright girl. When her mother was still alive, I always saw her laughing, telling her stories. She always lifts the mood. The other nurses and I were jealous. We always said that we want a daughter like her. She's been so positive and always making her mother happy. But still, Mrs. Nilda died. The poor girl. She was devastated, her heart must've been full of pain. She looks like a body without a soul that her eyes can't even cry anymore," she continued.

Jin and Jacob become silent. They don't know how to take in this information.

"I'm sorry. My mouth just doesn't know when to stop talking. Don't worry though. She's a bright girl and always surrounded by good people. I'm sure she's okay wherever she is."

"Do you know their home country?"

"I don't know. When they said that they would go home, I thought that they would just be going home to their house in Canada. I always thought that she grew up there because she speaks English so well."

"Thank you, Mrs. Carter. We truly appreciate you giving us this time."

"No worries, Jacob. I hope this encounter somehow answered what you're looking for."

"And Jin, I don't really know what happened, but I assure you. She lived a happy life, with her family and everyone." Mrs. Carter assured him.

"Thank you." Jin replied.

After the meeting, Jin was so quiet. He rarely gets out of his room. I've tried to cheer him up, but I too, personally, didn't know how to cheer up as well. I knew all along, and now I'm not sure if I made the right decision about the meeting. I'm all confused and can’t think straight. All I know is I want to see Jean this very moment. I grabbed my keys and decided to go to her. It's been 2 months since the last time I saw her. The first thing I did when I came back was to arrange the meeting with Mrs. Carter. It was past midnight when I got into her home. Having my own keys now, I don't need to knock on the door anymore to wake her up. I just wanted to see her and hug her tightly.

I went straight to the room, but Jean was not there. I went down to the kitchen, the balcony, the garden, but there was no sign of her. I tried to call her, but she didn't answer. I called Dan, but I couldn't reach him either. I was about to go to her shop when I saw her coming. The moment our eyes met, I knew that something was about to happen and I didn't like it. But regardless, my instant reaction was to kiss her and hug her tightly.

"I missed you. Where did you go?" I asked, but Jean didn't respond.

"Shop." Jean released herself from my arms and went inside the house. She went to the kitchen and I just followed her. Unsure of what to say next.

"I see. Did you get a lot of orders? Must be busy, huh?"

"Hmmm." She answered uninterested. "I'm tired. Go home for now. I'm going to sleep."

"Can I stay the night though? I miss you so much."

"Not today. Just go home."

"Hmmm. How about dinner? Did you eat? I'll cook."

"No need. I'm not hungry."

"Okay, I'll just stay for a little more. I'll leave when you fall asleep. Okay?" I attempted to hug her again, but Jean stopped me.

"Don't you just get it? Or is your face just too thick? Can't you see? I don't want you here. So, get out." Jean shouted.

"What's wrong?"

"Seriously? Are you still going to pretend that there's nothing wrong? This, us, you being here, me being with you. Everything about us is wrong."

"Jean, I don't understand..."

"Really, Jacob? Okay, how about we start with my mother? Do you understand now?"

"Jean," I don't know what to say.

"What?"

"It was an accident, Jean."

"Are you also going to say that it's not anyone's fault? That accident was not the reason my mom died. It's the damn cancer. But Jacob, she's old. Her body's already frail. And that damn accident made her weaker. If it hadn't happened, maybe she would have survived. Maybe she has healed. Yeah, she didn't die that night, but she had broken bones. The trauma left a blood clot in her brain. I'm always scared while she's lying on that hospital bed. Scared to death. I always check if she's still breathing when she sleeps. A simple cough from her would make me shiver. I can't sleep because I'm afraid that when I wake up, she'll no longer be there? All the torture of just watching her struggle because I couldn't do anything. Do you have any idea how that feels?"

"I'm really sorry. Jean, I didn't mean to..."

"And you have all the chances to tell me? Why did you hide it from me? No, let's not start from there. Why did you even approach me? Why did you come into my life? I'm already healing. I'm trying to have a life. To live it quietly. Why? Why do you have to make me miserable again? Are you having fun messing up my life? Are you happy now? If you are, then please, get out of the house. Get out of my life. I don't want to see you anymore."

"Jean, please. I love you. Please, don't do this to me. Please forgive me, Jean. Please, please." No words can calm her now. I knelt and hugged her, begging for forgiveness. Begging her not to leave me.

"Leave. Let me go."

"No, no. Jean, please. Let's talk please. Please listen to me."

"Jacob, please. Just leave me alone." Jean pushed me outside the door. I had been knocking loudly outside her house begging her to forgive me when Dan came.

"Jacob, just give her some space for now."

"No, Dan. What if this little space creates a big gap between us? No... I... I can't do that. I can't let that happen." I cried out loud like a kid. F*** my ego, I don't care anymore. I will do anything for her to take me back.

"Jacob, please. Jean has been through a lot, and I've been with her through that time. Just give her some time for now. Let her calm down first. I'm sure she'll talk to you again. Just give her this, okay? Don't pressure her."

"But..." Dan was right. I should just not think about what I feel. Jean's feelings are the most important.

"C'mon Jacob. Just go home for now." Dan must be worried about me right now. I'm sure I look so pathetic at the moment and seems like someone who's going crazy.

"I'll drive," Dan offered. We've been sitting in front of Jean's house for an hour now, but the cold breeze and the insect bites don't seem to bother me at all.

"No, it's okay. I can manage."

"No, you're not. Look at you. Let's go." Dan insisted, and I just helplessly nodded. In all honesty, I feel really so drained right now. It feels like my spirit went somewhere so far away. The thought of losing Jean made me feel weak that I couldn't even lift a finger.

I dragged myself all the way to my room after Dan dropped me off. I am trying to think of ways of how I would explain everything to Jean. If only I'd been honest from the start, would it be worse? Maybe none of this would've happened. If we didn't get too close; if we were not together; if I didn't fall in love; maybe this wouldn't hurt this badly, it's ripping every fiber of my heart.

"Jacob?" Jin's voice was so low but echoed in my room.

"Yes?" I tried to hide the depression in my voice. I turned around when I didn't hear an answer, only to find my brother drowning in tears.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"About Jean?"

"What?"

"I was there. I'm sorry. I just wanted to see her, too. So, I..."

"Don't worry about it. I'll figure things out. She was just...."

"But it's not your fault."

"Jin."

"It's mine. It was my fault. It's because I'm stubborn, It's because I'm stupid." Jin hysterically slapped his head. He had this tendency to hurt himself when he was frustrated.

"Shhh... Shhhh. Jin, it's not. Okay?" I ran to my brother to stop him from hurting himself any further.

"But I'm the one driving..."

"Shhh... Shhh... No, no. It was an accident. It's not anybody's fault. Okay? C'mon, stop it. Don't hurt yourself." I hushed Jin and hugged him tightly.

One week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks and many more days had passed. I kept on going back to Jean's house, but it was empty. Dan's wife is currently taking over the flower shop. I asked Dan about Jean, but he had no idea where she is. She only told him that she would be out for a while and to not worry through text.

"Do you think she's in Canada? With her father?" I asked.

"I'm not sure, but I don't think so. You know her relationship with him is not perfect," Dan replied.

"You don't really have any idea where she would possibly go?"

"With all honesty, Jacob, no. I really don't know. Jean has this character when she just tells me that she'll be going downtown and the next thing I knew was she's in Bali. And then in Japan. She goes to places randomly. Don't worry too much, okay? She still texts me. It means that she's okay. She'll be back eventually. Just wait for now."