Chocolates and Beer

IX

‘Sorry, it seems like my brother loves hanging out with you,’ I said shyly to Jean. Jin bugged me all weekdays, telling me that he wanted to go to the sea with Jean. Does he have a crush on her? Am I becoming a rival even before I confess my feelings? I sat on the couch beside her. This feels good. Drinks on the balcony in front of the sea. With the night sky view and cool breeze. Everything feels perfect.

‘Nah, I’m glad you’ve invited me. Where’s Jin?’

‘Soundly sleeping. Do you often go to the beach?’

‘Not really, but when I was younger, yeah,’ she replied with a short smile, ‘my mom used to take me.’ I want to say more but it's felt like my voice was locked inside my throat. I know for sure that at this moment, sad thoughts are already swimming inside her head.

‘Also, Dan took me to many places. I think he really loves me.’

‘He’s the only family I have now. We only have each other.’ Jean completed her statement and that gave me a sense of relief.

‘Only family?’

‘Yeah, at least the only one who really treats me as a family,’ Jean said with a short laugh. ‘He is my cousin. The only cousin I know, at least. Our mothers were cousins. When my mom died, I lived with him and Aunt. And when Aunt died, it was just the two of us. You can say that he stood like a father, brother, and a friend to me. He took care of me. He’s young. We’re only 5 years apart, but he took the role of each family member for me. He’s an all-in-one. I love him so much.’ She continued.

‘I see.’ I felt ashamed at the jealousy and guilt I'm feeling. ‘Tell me more.’ I want to hear more about her.

‘Huh? What else should I tell you? Haha. Do you really want me to talk about it?’

‘Yes.’

‘Why?’

‘I just want to know more about you.’

‘Seriously,’ Jean said shortly.

‘Yeah, we’ve been going out since we became friends, but I don’t think we really had a deep talk about our lives. You can ask me anything too, if you want.’

‘Where should I start?’

‘Anything. You can start back when you're a baby.’ Jean laughed at my little joke.

‘Uhm, well. It was just me and my mom back then. I grew up without a father. I only met him when I was about to graduate from high school. Ah, well, he lives in Canada and came here with the intention of taking me there for college… and promising me a better life. After so many years, he felt like being a father, I guess.’ Jean took a break and drank almost half of her beer.

‘But of course, considering how stubborn I was, I didn’t go with him. I’m in that state where I’d rather not get a college degree than to leave my mom. I’d rather have a hard life as long as I’m with my mom. I can only think that life is good if I’m with her.’ Jean choked at the last words and her eyes started to get teary. ‘No, it’s not just good, it would be perfect. Life was hard. My mom had me at a young age. My father left her; my grandparents abandoned her. I never thought that any parents would have the heart to do that to their child, no matter what it is. I’m grateful that my mom didn’t give up on me or regret having me despite all the evilness in my body.’

‘You’re talking as if you were the most awful daughter anyone could have.’

'But I am. I’m not smart. I cut classes. I don't think I will ever get into the top group of my classes.’, Jean said in a sad tone.

‘Really?’

‘Yeah, I cut off classes so I can do a part-time job. Mom doesn’t want me to, but at that time I had something that I really wanted.’

‘And what’s that thing that you really wanted?’

‘A piano. I cut classes to look for a part-time job, but who would hire a kid?’

‘A piano… I used to play the piano too. But we’re not a match,' I said shyly, remembering the days when I would throw a fit when my mother would force me to take piano lessons. Not knowing that the thing I'd been trying hard to escape was something that someone else wanted to have. 'Why do you like the piano?’ I murmured.

‘There was this one time when this politician visited our school. I can’t remember his name, but he’s a man who gives a generous amount of donations to our school, so they held an event especially for him. Some students dance, sing, even do a stage play. But what I really remember on that day was when this boy got up on stage and played the piano. He played it so beautifully, and then I thought I wanted to be like him. I want to be able to play like that. And then I imagined myself playing it instead of him. Like I’m daydreaming while listening to his music. When mom found out about the cutting classes, she gave me a good beating,’ Jean smiled at the memory that once made her cry but now misses it. ‘So, I told her I wanted to learn the piano, I want a piano. I cried so hard that time. Mom’s earnings are just enough for our food, my school and living expenses, so where is she going to get the money for that? She then promised me that she'd find a way, she'd get me one. As long as I’m a good girl and do well in school. Oh, God, she must’ve been so tired but because of the selfish me who wanted that so badly. I didn’t even care as long as I could get my piano.’ Jean let out a sharp breath. 'I feel so ashamed every time I think about it.'

‘Did you get your piano?’

'No, but mom sent me to a music school. She said I can use a piano and learn how to play it while she’s saving up to buy me my own. But as time went by, I lost interest. Maybe piano and we’re not a match, either. I just wasted my mother’s hard-earned money’. Jean looked up at the sky, tilting her head to avoid the tears forming in her eyes from falling. ‘I wish I was a better daughter. I have lots of regrets. I don’t think I ever made my mom proud about anything.’ Tears rolled down her face now as she failed to hold them any longer. All the regrets and memories are exhilarating and suffocating.

‘Dan used to tell me that mom was just around. Maybe she’s watching me from heaven or something. But damn, I don’t need her to watch me from anywhere, I want her with me. Comfort words are just an escape from reality. My frustrations of wanting to see her, but I can’t. All I have are photographs. No matter how much I talk, I will never get a reply. I would just imagine that maybe she’ll say it like that or do it like that. Just some scenarios I make up in your head to feel better. Oh, God. I missed her so much. There’s a lot that I wanted to do for her. So much to tell her.’ Jean desperately, trying to wipe the tears from her face as she broke down.

‘I love you, Jean,’ I absentmindedly said.

‘What?’

‘There’s no need to imagine things. This is definite. This is something that your mom will say and do.’

‘Are you trying to be my mother now?’ Jean smirked.

‘I can be. At least for tonight. Say all the things you wanted to say to her, through me.’

‘Seriously, Jacob.’ She said as tears started to fall again from her eyes. I opened my arms for her. Inviting her for an embrace, but Jean just stared and rejected the idea, ‘don’t do this,’ she said. But I didn’t give up. With my arms still wide open for her, she hesitantly came closer, slowly feeling the warmth. She started to sob as our heartbeats collided. I locked her inside my arms and tucked my chin on her shoulder. Patting her back gently.

‘Mom, I miss you so much.’

‘I miss you too.’

‘I’m sorry for everything. I love you so much.’

‘I love you too, beyond words.’

‘Come back please, please. Please come back to me. I promise I’ll be a better daughter; I’ll be the best, just come back and I’ll do anything.’ Jean cried out desperately, yearning, longing for her mother. This is the worst, but this is all I can give her. I can never replace her mother. All I can do now is to be with her as she expresses her longing and yearning for her beloved mother.

Hours passed and Jean fell asleep in my arms. She must be exhausted from crying. I tried my best not to wake her up as I lay her down on the bed. She looks like an angel. I gently move her hair to the side of her face and caress it. She's the strongest woman I know, yet the most fragile.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said softly. There's a lot that I would like to tell you, but I don't know where to start. I'm scared. What if you know? What's going to happen to us? I was drowning in my thoughts when my phone suddenly vibrated.

‘Oh, shock! Hello?’ Good thing that Jean is still soundly asleep.

‘Bro, where are you?’ Jin asks on the other line.

‘Just walking around, I will be back now. Why?’

'Alright. Just got a little hungry. Can we eat?’

‘Sure, I’ll be back now. Don't come out, okay? Wait for me in your room.’

‘Okay.' I ended the call and looked at Jean again.

‘Jacob?’ I was on my way out when Jean woke up.

‘Oh.’

‘Why are you here?’

‘I just put you to bed. You fell asleep on the balcony.’

‘Oh, thanks. I hope I’m not that heavy for you.’

‘You’re not. You’re light as a feather.’

‘Really?’ She let out a short smile.

‘I won’t bother you any longer. Go back to sleep.’

‘Yeah. Good night.’

‘Good night.’

‘Jacob?’

‘Yes?’

‘Thank you… Ahm, just thank you... For everything.’

'Anytime. Anything for you.’ I went back to bed to give her a kiss on the forehead as a goodnight. It was a tough night and I'm glad that I was here with her.