Chocolates and Beer

XIX

I sat on my mother's grave and touched her tombstone. "Nilda Perez. A loving wife and mother. I remembered that time before we went back home. My parents had a civil wedding in Canada. And we went back home to prepare for their church wedding. At that time, I thought that mom was really healed and would finally be having her dream wedding. They want to do it in the place where they originally planned. In Manila Cathedral. Mom used to say that only famous and well-off people get to marry there. She had always admired the structure of the church and that was where my father proposed to her and promised that when they came to the legal age, they would get married in that church. But it didn't happen.

"Hi." I said in a low voice.

"It's been a while. I'm sorry that it took me this long." Tears started to swell my eyes.

"I missed you." I couldn't take it anymore and burst into tears.

"I feel guilty, Mom," I continued. " You know, I have fallen in love. But I don't think it's right."

"I fell in love with that man. What should I do, mom? He's the..." I choked on my words.

"He was driving that car. He, he..." I couldn't manage to continue and just cried my heart out.

I just cry and cry. Not noticing the hours that passed by. I went out in the morning and now the sun is already waving goodbye for today. I had no strength to get up and stayed lying down on my mother's grave. Curled up like a child. I didn't even realize that I had fallen asleep. I lay on the cold cement until I felt a warm and tender touch on my cheeks. It's my father.

"Jean," he softly whispered, and shook me lightly. Trying to wake her up.

"Hmmm?"

"Jean, let's go home. It's already dawn."

I opened my eyes and saw him. It was the soundest sleep I had in a long time. I look at my father's face. I didn't say anything, and he was just watching me. He's obviously old. Wrinkles are already showing up on his face. If my mother was still alive, she could've had those too. The signs of aging. My mother has always been a beauty. People would mistake her as my sibling all the time. I had a dream about her. I can't remember everything. All I can remember was I was at a wedding. My parents' wedding. It was magical. Flowers surround them. They included me in their first dance as husband and wife. We were happy. Everything felt like it was real. My heart was drowning with joy. I feel lighter. I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders.

"I dreamed about you," I finally said.

"Really? What did you dream about?"

"Hmmm. I dreamed about you and mom. It's your wedding day. Aunt Betty was also there. Dan and Aunt Lulu. Jin. Jacob. The look on his face tells me that he already knows about Jin and Jacob.

"If mom hadn't died, that could've been a reality."

"I love your mom. She's my first love and my last love," he said while looking up at the sky. His eyes glistened as the tears signaled to fall.

"When I was 16, back in high school. I cut classes; I love going to different places. Your grandfather has been strict, he didn't allow me to go anywhere without his knowing. But Louie, he's on my side. He won't tell dad about the things I do. He just makes sure that I won't get into trouble. One time, I cut class again and roamed around Manila. You know, I used to live in Tagaytay. The weather is cold, and your grandfather likes the place. So, I'm quite curious about what Manila was like. I went to Intramuros. I ate a lot of food in Chinatown. Took a rest at Manila Bay. As I was walking down the street, I saw your mother. I don't know what came to me, but I just followed her. And I ended up in front of Manila Cathedral. I saw her sitting on the back bench. I sat on the other side. I'm not sure why, but I just end up looking at her until she gets up. She left without even looking at me. I know for sure she saw me, but she didn't pay attention. After that day, I would always come to that church. Every chance I get, I go there. Until I found where she works. She works part-time in a Chinese restaurant. I became a regular, I befriended the staff. And eventually became friends with her, too. That's when I discovered that she's doing part-time work to sustain her music studies. She'd dreamed about being a pianist. I've always admired how hard she works for her dream. So, I supported her. Without her knowledge, I paid for her tuition fee in the guise of a scholarship."

"Wow, you're quite rich."

"Haha. You can say that. My father would not care how I spend money. He just put money in my account every month. And would not mind how I spend it. As long as there is no news that I'm in trouble, of course. So, I stopped cutting classes. I make sure that I'm always excellent in school. But as they say, walls have ears. He eventually learned about me and your mother. Although he's strict, he's always been a good man. He always lends a hand to help. So, I thought that maybe he would understand, but I was wrong. He cut my finances, thinking that I'd let your mother go. Instead, I left the house, rented a small room and stayed with Nilda. We also didn't get her parents' support. They were afraid of what my father could do. We stayed together despite being against everyone. I stopped my studies and got a job. I want your mother to continue studying. I've always wanted her dream to come true. Honestly, I don't think of anything else. I just want her to be comfortable and stay with me. All I wanted was to be with her. Until the worst thing happened. Your grandfather has gone crazy. Ah, I don't even want to remember." He sighed with disappointment. He loved his father, but he never thought that he would go to such an extent.

"You don't have to say it," I said. I already knew. Well, Aunt Betty knows everything and she tells me everything.

"The time he died, I cried out loud. I don't know what to feel. I was sad because my father was gone. But it was also a relief because I'm finally free." He teared up. It's devastating to lose a loved one at the expense of your freedom.

"Do you know my biggest regret?"

"What?" I said softly.

"That time when I was finally free, but I didn't look for you." He looked at me with shame and regret.

"You were right. I have already been back to the Philippines. So, why would I believe what other people say? Why didn't I look for you and your mom? I have all the chances to personally ask her. I have the money, the power. So why didn't I do that?"

He broke down. He might’ve felt so stupid, letting the years go by without confronting her. He thought it was better to see her with somebody new, as long as she was happy.

"It's already in the past. You still came back, right? A few years later, but you came back. That's what's important. You made mom happy. You fulfilled your promise."

He smiled at the way I was comforting him. It was the first time I said something nice to him. It felt good. It felt like we were slowly becoming a real father and daughter. A family.