Idols

Chapter 8

I woke up in a hospital bed. I tried to move, but my whole body hurt from the effort, I looked to the side and Jin was with me. She saw me wake up and immediately got up, calling the nurses. Two of them came to check my vital signs and gave me a thorough examination. After a few minutes, two physicians arrived - one was a neurologist who performed a check-up and asked some questions, and the other was a traumatologist who explained that they had to operate on my foot due to a fracture, but everything went well, and they gave me instructions.

When they left the room, I was alone, as Jin gone out and hadn’t returned. After a while, Jin entered the room along with the members of the band, including the CEO. I figured we must have been in a significant accident, and I recalled the noise and lights before the impact. Everyone looked very serious, and I could see expressions of concern. I told them I was fine, that the doctor had just left and that I was recovering well and could leave the hospital in a few days. I noticed tears welling up in some of their eyes, and they reassured me that everything would be alright. At that moment, I sensed something strange was going. I asked about Joonie and saw their pained and bewildered expressions. I felt a pang in my chest, and a shiver ran through me. Is he okay? Was it very serious? Where’s is Jonnie? I asked.

Jin took my hands, tears streaming down her face, and that’s when I understood what was happening. The CEO spoke up and told me we had been in a major car accident. Another vehicle had run a red light and hit us on the side where Joonie was seated. Unfortunately, my Adonis hadn’t survived the tragic accident and had passed away upon arrival at the hospital.

I watched them talk and say things to me, but I couldn’t hear them. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. It felt like I was gasping for air, someone was pressing my body, crushing me against the bed. I couldn't move; I just felt tears streaming my face.

I don’t remember much what happened next. I was on strong medications for pain and probably given some sedatives, as I slept a lot and felt like a zombie. Two days later, they let me leave the hospital to attend the funeral. My parents and family were there, or at least, I thought I saw them. I suppose they helped me get dressed and wheeled me to the funeral. I think it was a well-attended service; I even thought I shook hands with the President First Lady. I didn't speak, I didn't cry, I just stared at a fixed point and breathed.

The following weeks were the same, sleeping and not thinking much. In my mind I replayed every moment with my Adonis; that was my protected world, just him and me, and we were happy.

Someone brought me food and fed me, someone bathed me, dressed me; they did everything for me because I was a zombie. I think my parents were still with me; I saw them in the house, talking to me, and I would just nod. Jin and Bo Hin were there too.

Gradually, I became more attuned to reality, and it hit me hard. I wasn't in zombie mode anymore, but I cried all day. I didn’t get up, I didn't bathe, I hardly ate, I just cried. I started to experience grief as it should be felt and went through all the stages. I felt so angry at how unfair life was; we ran out of time; we had so much more to live. I even thought about why I hadn’t died instead of him. He had so much to give, he was still needed by the group, he was irreplaceable.

He would probably handle the grief better than I would; he would be filled with activities and wouldn’t have time to get depressed, something I couldn't do. I couldn't work, couldn't concentrate, breathing hurt, I didn’t want to live. I begged for death.

My parents had to return to Chile, and Jin along with Bo Hin and the other members, took turns taking care of me. They divided the tasks among themselves - Jin would bathe me and help me dress when she managed to convince me to do so. Bo Hin would feed me, another member, Yong Ho, whom I was close to, would take me to therapy at the hospital, then he moved his studio to my house to keep me company and make sure I wouldn’t do anything foolish. Soo Wook cooked, and each of them did something. Jin had to take care of the foundation, since it needed to keep functioning.

That Christmas and New Year’s, I spent lying down and crying, even though Jin, Bo Hin and Yong Ho were with me at home. They didn’t pressure me or force me into anything, celebrating alone, of course something simple, as they weren’t in the mood for celebrations either.

That is how the months went by, I believe around nine months, during which I lived in autopilot. The members adopted me as a sister, as they never left me alone, if it wasn’t one, it was another, but they were always there. I spent most of my time with Yong Ho, who moved in with me, as he was member closest to Joonie, and I think he must have made some promise to him or simply wanted to fill his place with me.

Many days were spent without even speaking, he respected my space and my grief. He played piano almost all day and composed songs. I spent nearly every day lost in thought or reading; I still cried, especially when I heard melodies that Yong Ho played, which reminded me of Joonie.

I no longer wanted to die, but I didn't want to live either. Nothing motivated me; everything I did was done automatically or without thought.

I kept wearing all his shirts, sweaters, hoodies, just to feel his scent, which I felt fading more and more. Yong Ho took me to the cemetery often, waiting for me while I cried.

One day, while having lunch, he asked me how I was and how I felt. I told him what was going through, that I was still in autopilot and that I had something stuck in my heart, suffocating me. I wanted to scream, but couldn't, I wanted to hit things, but couldn't; there were times when I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't. He suggested writing down my feelings, something that helped him a lot, and maybe it could help me too. He gave me a notebook and a pencil, telling me to write down everything I felt, whether it was beautiful or ugly, sadness, anger, happiness, everything.

That’s how I began to write my story with Joonie, writing down how I felt, how my day had been and gradually, I started freeing myself from my thoughts and feelings. Every night became a sacred ritual, I wrote my day, and sometimes during the day I’d write our love story. Slowly, I began healing; living didn't hurt as much anymore. I started noticing life outside again, I looked out the window and realized it was autumn form the colors of the trees and the fallen leaves. I asked Yong Ho if he'd accompany me on a walk to, so I could step on the leaves and experience autumn. He looked at bit surprised but agreed. We walked around the complex in silence; only the sound of us stepping on the leaves accompanied us. We sat on a bench without speaking and I asked him if’d be willing to read my notes and tell me if someday, I could overcome this. I told him I had no intention of seeing psychologist, I’d rather talk to a friend who knew me my story with Joonie - who better than him. He reluctantly agreed.

He has always been a reserved and observant person. In fact, we spoke little and only, when necessary, but I knew his concern for me was genuine, and he cared for me solely because I’d loved his friend so deeply.

The love he had for Joonie was so great that he took care of me all that time.

After a week, he came to me with my notebook in his hands and hugged me. We cried together for a long while; I’d never seen him cry. Then he offered me to make a song, to use my feelings and words from the notebook and he’d compose it. I agreed without hesitation; it would be another step in my healing process.

The first anniversary of Joonie's death arrived, and everything I’d progressed through, experienced a setback. It was a gloomy day, cold and rainy. I spent it with the group members and Jin. It was sad but peaceful. We cried and laughed reminiscing about anecdotes and memories. I thanked them for not leaving me alone during that time; without their company and support, I wouldn’t have made it.

Slowly, I began getting back into the foundation’s work, and my days started getting a bit shorter and more purposeful.

December came and the Christmas season arrived. It saddened me a bit, but I felt more motivated and managed to set up Christmas tree and decorate the apartment with Christmas ornaments. Yong Ho helped me with the decoration and showed me the progress he was making on the song. We decided to spend Christmas at the apartment and invited the other members and their families. Joonie's parents were invited too. I hadn't seen them since the funeral, but I knew from Yong Ho that they often asked about me and were concerned about me.

My parents also came to visit. I took the opportunity to spend time with them; we strolled through Seoul, and we had conversations like we used to. They left Korea feeling reassured that I was doing better.

For New Year's Eve, we dined at Jin and Bo Hin's house, celebrated the arrival of the new year, and then I went back home, I still didn’t feel like celebrating.

I sat on the couch and watched the video they recorded when Joonie proposed to me. I think I watched it ten times, taking sips of soju and crying. Then, I watched videos of the group’s performances and laughed a lot, as some were funny. Yong Ho arrived, sitting on the couch with a glass of soju, and joined me in watching the videos. We sang and laughed a lot while getting drunk. I came up with the idea of playing Latin music and I started dancing bachata. I invited him to dance with me, but he refused. I begged and even forced him to get up. I danced, and he just stood there, watching me, until gradually, he started following me, although without much enthusiasm, mostly to indulge me. I hugged him tighter and stuck to him, as that's how you dance bachata, but I didn't think that hug would make me feel anything. I smelled his perfume and liked it. He was taller than me, and I looked up at him. He was looking at me, and I felt desire – a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I wanted to kiss and make love. It was probably the soju affecting me, making me feel uninhibited. I looked at him again and asked him to kiss me.

- Are you crazy? He spoke. How can I kiss you! He said, pushing me away.

- Please, kiss me, I need it, I said, and I ran after him.

- You’re drunk; I'm not going to kiss you. You don't know what you're doing; you’ll regret it tomorrow.

- It doesn't matter, I said. Please grant me that wish.

He looked at me and approached me, kissing my cheeks, then my forehead. He stepped back to look at me and then kissed my lips, just brushing them, and then he pulled away. I ran after him again and stood in front of him, trapped between him and the door he was about to open to leave.

Do it again I said, and he came closer and gently kissed my lips.

In that moment, I took his head from behind and pulled him towards me, opening my mouth. I stuck out my tongue and ran it over his lips, and he opened his mouth, and our tongues met, and we got lost in that kiss that tasted like soju. I don't know how we ended up on the floor, we hugged, undressed each other, and made love. After our orgasm, I started crying uncontrollably. He just looked at me and then hugged me and covered me up.

I assume I must have fallen asleep while crying, because I woke up the next day naked, covered on the couch, and he wasn't there. It took me a few seconds to remember everything that had happened, and I started crying again. I cried and felt guilty for using him. I felt selfish because I enjoyed it and needed it, my body and soul needed it, but I didn't think about him and his feelings, I had no idea what his motivation was.

I didn't have s*x with Yong Ho thinking about Joonie, I didn't think about him for a single moment and that's what made me cry the most, I knew that while I was never going to forget him or our story, the pain was gone, there was nostalgia, but I knew I was getting over it and that I could start living my life, although I didn't want to have any relationship with anyone at least not for now.

I waited for him late to talk to him, but he didn't come. I got worried, but knowing him, I expected that reaction. For three days, I heard nothing from him until dinner time came, and he arrived with food.

We sat down to dinner as usual in silence. I asked him about the song, and he said it was almost ready. As we were finishing dinner, I proposed to talk. He said it wasn’t necessary and that it would never happen again.

He told me he felt a lot of shame and regret, that he shouldn't have given in like that. He did it for me because he knew it was part of the healing process, but he was very clear that it wasn't him I had made love to that night. He knew I was loving someone else, kissing another mouth, touching another body, but he did it for a greater good. He said I should rest assured, that he didn’t feel anything for me apart from friendship, immense affection, and compassion for everything I had been through. He told me to forget what had happened, touched my shoulder as a sign of affection, and went back to his room.

I must confess that I felt relieved and less selfish, but at the same time his words wounded my pride, and I felt small and insignificant. I wanted to clarify that it hadn’t been like that. I had indeed kissed and touched him, and that I had made love to him, not to Joonie. But I remained silent.

Weeks went by, and my days continued to regain life. The work of the foundation kept me occupied all day. Sometimes, I had dinner with Jin, and most of the time, I would come home and have dinner with him. We talked about our days, and then each of us would retire to our rooms.

One day after work, Jin invited me to dinner at her place, but I told her that I should probably go since Yong Ho always arrived with food or cooked himself, and I didn’t want to snub him after he had been so kind to me. She told not to worry, as he had a date with a woman he had met. In fact, she said it was like the third or fourth time they were meeting, he seemed quite excited about her.

I was paralyzed with the information and felt again what jealousy was. I went to dinner with Jin, but I couldn't get Yong Ho with another woman out of my mind.

I knew that if it was already their third or fourth date, he must be enthusiastic about her, since he was a very serious and respectful man.

He wasn’t someone who played around, and I had never known him to have many female acquaintances, maybe one or two, I don’t remember.

I was clear that I shouldn’t feel this way because if, for some reason, we were to develop feelings for each other, our relationship wouldn’t be accepted, starting with him, and I hadn’t considered anything with him either.

Why out of all the men in the world, did I have to feel jealous of my late husband's best friend and now my best friend? I thought that was probable the reason, more than jealousy, I was afraid of losing him. He had been my great support and help throughout my grieving process, and for him to fall in love with a woman meant that he would eventually leave me too, and I didn’t want that, at least not for now.

I arrived home and he wasn't there. I went to be and tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I heard him coming at dawn and I managed to fall asleep after hearing him. The next day, Saturday, I woke up early, cleaned the house a bit, and prepared breakfast. As he showed no signs of having woken up, I went to knock on his door to tell him to come out for breakfast. He didn’t answer, so I opened the door. He was peacefully asleep, illuminated by the sunlight. He was sleeping on his stomach, uncovered. He was naked, and I could see his buttocks. They were round and prominent, and I got excited, but then I got scared and quickly closed the door.

I knocked again, a bit harder, and he let me in. When I opened the door, he was sitting up, covered, but I could see his bare chest, and I swallowed hard. I tried to look away, but I was kind of mesmerized, staring at him.

I asked if he wanted breakfast in bed and he agreed. When I returned with breakfast, he had put on a shirt, and I asked him if he had any plans for the day. He said he did. He was going to have lunch with a friend, and I pouted.

He laughed and told me to go out, that it would be good for me to spend time with other people, but I wanted to spend time with him.

He told me not to make plans for Sunday because he wanted to show me the song, and he wanted it to be a special day. I agreed, and then he asked me to leave his room because he needed to shower.

I left and went to the kitchen to do some things. Then I remembered the breakfast tray and went to get it. It was on the bed. He was probably in the shower, as he wasn't there. I saw his shirt, took it, and instinctively smelled it. Desire surged again, but quickly put it down and grabbed the tray to leave. As I turned around, he was coming out of the bathroom, with a towel tied around his waist, still a bit wet. We looked at each other, and I could only lower my gaze by running his body, from his still-wet chest to his intimate area, where there was his erection lifting the towel. He was aroused, and that aroused me even more. I quickly left the room and went to the kitchen. After finishing cleaning the kitchen, I went to my room and lay down. I only came out when I heard him leaving the house. I took a shower and m*********d thinking about him, his buttocks and bare chest and the erection under his towel, thinking of that moment of passion we had on New Year’s Eve, even though I didn’t remember many details. It was a desperate release of pent-up desire. I was going crazy, and I could only think about him. I knew it wasn't right, that I shouldn’t be feeling this way about him, but I was.

I cried in the shower over the ironies of life. All I wanted in the past was to overcome the immense pain I felt over the loss of my Adonis and now that was happening, I was beginning to feel another kind of pain - for having feelings for a forbidden man, for a man who didn’t feel anything for me. Even if he did feel something, it couldn’t be, and it would never be.

I stayed in bed that day, crying a lot, and sleeping almost the entire afternoon. I only woke up when I heard Yong Ho closing the door when he arrived in towards evening. He came to see me in my room and found me lying down, probably looking terrible with swollen eyes from all the crying, as I could see concern in his eyes. I hugged him and cried again. He comforted me with his embrace, caressing my hair and my back, repeating over and over: it’s going to be over; you'll get over it, take it easy, these processes take time, don't rush it.

How could I to tell him I was crying over him, over what I was feeling? But this time, I was sensible, I thought about him and didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or put him in an awkward situation.

Moreover, I was only feeling jealousy and desire, which could be due to loneliness, my desire to live - it had nothing to do with love. He deserved to be loved, and maybe that girl he was dating could give him that and more. I had a lot of affection for him, and maybe I was just confusing things. Either way, I thought that whoever he chose would be incredibly lucky. He was an exceptional man, very respectful and proper, and at the same time caring, attentive, patient, and romantic. I knew that from the lyrics of his songs. He was an excellent friend, loyal and always looking out for me. I didn’t need to say anything, and he always understood and knew exactly what I needed. He saw my soul. He was also an amazing lover, he kissed well, and the time we made love, he was very considerate of me, and his caresses were mesmerizing. I decided to repay him for everything he had been to me and support him in whatever he needed, even if it hurt inside.

The next day, I woke up late because I stayed up late thinking. I went out to buy groceries and, when I got back, I prepared lunch. When Yong Ho came out of his room, he was showered, and he was surprised to see the table set since he had never seen me cook before.

We sat down for lunch, talking about our days, work, and he told me he had a surprise for me. Of course, being the impatient person I am, I asked him to give it to me right then.

He stood up by the audio equipment, and a melody started playing, I sat on the sofa, ready to listen to what I assumed was the song he had composed. Slowly, I began to recognize words and feelings that I had written in my notebook. I loved the melody, and the song touched my soul. It was sung by a woman with a beautiful voice, and once again, I started crying, but without suffering. There was nostalgia and longing for the happy times l had with with Joonie and with all of them. It reaffirmed how important they had all been in my life, especially Yong Ho.

I felt grateful to have him by mi side. I stood up and went over where he was, still with his back to me next to the music equipment. I think he was giving me space to receive the song and be alone with it. I hugged him from behind and thanked him, saying it was the best gift I'd ever received in my life. He caressed my hands that were hugging him around his waist and turned around. He looked at me with sad eyes and said that while I had written that song, it belonged to all of us who had suffered the loss of Joonie, to all of us who loved him. We hugged, and it wasn’t desire what I felt; it was love for him, but the bittersweet feeling once again took hold of me.

I think my work with you is done, he said. I’m going back to my apartment. You need to live your life, and I need to live mine. I’m sure that living together won’t work.

I didn't want to stop hugging him. You are right, I said, separating from him and thanking him again for the song and all the time he had dedicated to me, for accompanying me in my grief and healing, where he played a crucial role. When are you leaving? I asked. – Tomorrow, he said. – Fine, I replied.

During the afternoon, we watched a movie, which I don't even remember, because all I could only think about was him, feeling his breath and his heartbeat. Then he left and returned late, going straight to his room.

As soon as I felt him come in, I got up from my bed and went to his room. I knocked, and he let me in. He was lying on his back, looking at the ceiling. I went to his bed and lay down beside him. He looked at me with confusion, but I asked him to let me sleep there for our last night together, that I was scared and couldn’t sleep. He put his arm around my neck, pulled me close and kissed my head.

I looked at him and said I wanted to ask him one last favor. He looked at me with a questioning expression. Make love to me as a farewell, I said, and my voice sounded more like a plea than a sensual suggestion or invitation.

He kissed me tenderly and began touching me while still looking at me. My skin burned, but my heart burned more. We intertwined in an embrace of arms and legs, becoming one. Only our hectic breathing and whispered moans could be heard. When my orgasm came, I grabbed his face, made him look at me, and told him I loved him with my soul. Then he climaxed, but he only looked at me and didn't say anything.

We lay there naked side by side without saying anything until I began to fall asleep with his caresses on my back. Suddenly, he moved closer to me and whispered in my ear, I love you with all my soul. - I just wanted you to know, he said, but this will be our farewell. Our love can’t be, I suffer every day, fighting against this feeling. This last period has been a living hell for me. I feel like a traitor falling in love with my best friend's woman. Our story will never happen, so I need to distance myself from you.

I'm going to give myself a chance to love someone else, I'm going to try with all my being. That's why I’m asking you not to look for me.

Time will do its thing and you will manage to forget everything. Time heals everything, you see? He said. You managed to overcome Joonie's death, so it will be much easier to forget about me.

I knew that this was like a second death for me, but my feelings for him were so strong that I could only give him the space and opportunity he asked for.

My love for him was so similar, yet so different from what I felt for Joonie. This was a more mature love, perhaps not as passionate or intense as what I had with Joonie, but deeper. I was willing for him to be with someone else if he was happy.

I woke up with the sun on my face and he was gone, I was alone.