Idols

Chapter 9

Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes passed, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him, but I remained calm and focused on the foundation. We would see each other from time to time, whenever we crossed paths at the agency, the foundation premises, or some charity event. We greeted each other politely and interacted with the rest of the band as always. Occasionally, our gazes would meet, and we would lock eyes for seconds, then one of us would look away. Sometimes, when we happened to be together, one of us would avoid approaching the other, but if by chance we were together and side by side, we’d brush hands or accidentally touch, to catch a hint of each other’s scent.

It was April, and I received an invitation to his birthday celebration. I was tempted to come up with an excuse not to go, but that might raise suspicions, and that was the last thing I wanted. I decided to attend because, despite everything, I was dying to see him.

It was a big celebration, unusual for him. Later I found out it was her idea. Anyway, I chose a nice black dress with transparent details on top, giving it a sexy touch, I liked. For many days, I considered what I could give him as a gift. I wanted something special yet not obvious.

I decided to give him my notebook filled with notes, thoughts, feelings, and lyrics that I continued writing after he left. Those words, those feelings were meant to him and him alone. Whoever read it might think they were my feelings for Joonie, considering they knew about my old notebook and the song we had created.

That day, I meticulously did my makeup and dressed up like I hadn’t done in a long time. Jin had told me she wanted to introduce me to someone, and I was eager; I needed to move on from Yong Ho, and meeting someone new could be a good start.

When I arrived, there were already many people, and it took me a while to spot him and greet him. When a saw him, he was with his girlfriend, welcoming all the guests. They made a lovely couple, and he looked happy.

I felt genuinely happy for him. I approached them, and when they saw me, she smiled sincerely, knowing I was just another sibling to all of them, having gone through the tragedy together. She greeted me with a big hug and made me feel welcome. I felt awful because I envied her more than anything in life.

Then our gazes met. I hugged him, felt his scent and his arms, and knew that nothing had changed, at least not for me, and that it would be very difficult for me to forget him. I handed him my gift and told him to open it later, that it was just for him, and I quickly moved away.

During the party, I tried not to be near him, which was easy since I had to greet many people who approached to ask how I was doing - some genuinely concerned, others out of curiosity and morbid interest in the grieving widow.

Jin introduced me to the CEO of an NGO we had been working with, but I hadn't met him yet, as it was Jin who had been most involved until then. He was German, had recently arrived in Korea, and didn’t speak Korean. He was very handsome, blond, blue-eyed, and very tall, but to me, he seemed like an ordinary guy. Nonetheless, I sat with him, taking care of him as Jin had asked me for the night. It was my blind date, and I was determined to forget about Yong Ho.

During dinner and from time to time, our eyes met.

Speeches followed, and one by one, the band members delivered birthday greetings to the celebrant. Parents and close friends did the same. Then he and the members announced that the band would disband, as they had no intention of replacing Joonie, and without him, the band wouldn’t be the same.

We were all dumbfounded by the news, but they reassured us, saying that each of them would focus on personal projects, some would go solo, and others, like Yong Ho, would support as lyricists, composers, and producers.

We all toasted with them and then Yong Ho's girlfriend took the floor to wish him a happy birthday. She praised him and thanked him for coming into her life and changing it completely. I could relate to her, and despite all the envy I held, I couldn’t hate her, because she was a good person and she loved him.

Suddenly, I saw her kneeling down and proposing to him. The room fell silent, and seconds later, cheers and applause erupted for her boldness in proposing instead of him. All eyes turned to him, waiting for his response.

My eyes did the same, and our gazes met. At that moment I felt like everyone else disappeared, leaving only him and me. It was probably just seconds, but for me, it felt like an eternity. We recognized each other with just a glance, loved each other in silence, and with my gaze, I tried to convey that everything was okay, that I would be fine.

A silence hung in the air as the answer didn’t come immediately. She repeated the question, and he said yes, he accepted. They embraced and kissed. The atmosphere was joy and celebration, and I joined in even though I was crying. Taking advantage of everyone crowding around the couple to congratulate them, I went to the restroom to cry.

Jin followed me concerned about what was happening. She assumed it was because of the memories and that I had remembered Joonie. I told her it was many things and left.

I couldn't congratulate the newlyweds, so I went straight home. I cried a lot, thinking I had lost the man of my life. Ironically, he had never been mine, and never would be. Perhaps in another life, in another universe, but not in this one.

I felt lost, I didn't know what to do, how to rebuild my life while loving someone else so deeply, idealizing him, dreaming of him, having him close and knowing he belonged to someone else.

Once again, soju became my best friend at that moment, I started drinking on the terrace, looking out at the city. I heard the doorbell ring, but I couldn’t bring myself to get up. It was probably Jin, worried about me, but I didn't want to open the door.

I felt a presence, someone was looking at me and I thought I saw a shadow beside me. I looked frightened.

There he was, standing beside me, defeated and exhausted. I'm sorry, he said, kneeling in front of me. I need to ask you to go far away, to Chile, to another country, but away from my life. Having you close I will never be able to be happy, you’ll always be there, I can’t find peace, I am desperate, and I don’t know what to do.

He started crying uncontrollably. I caressed his hair as I cried too. Then he started stroking my legs, gently at first, then passionately, moving towards my thighs and my crotch. He removed my underwear and began touching me. He looked at me, stood up to my height, and kissed me passionately while we undressed each other. He kissed me furiously, sat me on top of him, and kissed my breasts with abandon. He penetrated me with intense fervor and passion. It was madness; we were out of control. We reached ecstasy together kissing, panting, and moaning wildly. Then he pushed me away, stood up, dressed, and left.

Our relationship would become sick and toxic if I didn't distance from him.

The house felt so vast, so cold, and I felt incredibly alone once more. I decided to sell the apartment and start a new life somewhere else, a place without memories, where nobody knew me, and most important, far away from him.

Next day, I met Jin and told her that I had decided to leave Korea. I needed to distance myself from that life, start a new chapter far away from all the memories that were preventing me from healing – memories that had me stuck in one place.

She understood and offered her full support. I resigned from the foundation and told her that I had chosen Italy as my next home. She promised to handle the sale of my apartment and send me the money.

After two weeks, I said goodbye to each of the members, except Yong Ho, who was out of Seoul at the time.

Salerno was my chosen destination. I needed rest, a chance to reassess life, and I wanted to avoid a big and bustling city. I desired nature, the beach and peace.

My plan was to dedicate myself to writing and enjoying life. I had enough money to never work again, although I wasn’t sure if could stay idle for too long. I was too used to the hustle and bustle.

I found a small but wonderful house right by the beach with a beautiful view. I fell in love with it immediately and rented it for a year. My intention was to explore the Amalfi Coast, and if I liked the place and the lifestyle, I’d buy a house there and live there forever.

For weeks, I wandered through beaches and villages, falling in love with each place I visited and deciding that I would live there, until I discovered another charming spot.

They were quiet weeks and time of self-discovery, yet his memory lingered with me daily. Regardless, I consoled myself with the thought that if I had overcome the death of a loved one, I could overcome anything.

One morning, after buying fruits and vegetables at the market, I returned home feeling extremely tired.

As I was arranging things in the refrigerator, the smell of the stored items made me nauseous, and I had to rush to the bathroom to vomit. I sat on the floor shivering, exhausted and all sweaty.

I realized that if I fell ill, I didn't know where to go for medical attention. I hadn't checked if there was a hospital nearby. I got up to find my phone and check. Feeling dizzy, I suddenly remembered that my period hadn’t arrived that month. I panicked and tried to do the math, but I couldn’t recall the last time it had come.

Ever since Joonie's death, I hadn’t been on birth control, and I hadn’t been keeping track. I remembered that Yong Ho and I hadn’t used protection during any of the three times we made love. Luck had been on my side the first two times, and I hoped it was the same this time, and that it was just something I had eaten. I was confused because I couldn't remember dates.

I lay down and tried not to think, to rest. I fell asleep, but as soon as I woke up, my thoughts returned to my period. Anxiety surged, so I went to the pharmacy to buy a pregnancy test.

Back home, I took the test and waited, as per the instructions. Half an hour passed, and I hesitated to look at the result.

Summoning my courage, I checked it.