Idols

Chapter 10

Positive. The result was positive, I was pregnant.

I cried again, but not out of sadness over the fact that I was going to have a child. On the contrary, illusion and excitement settled in me immediately. I cried because my child probably wouldn’t know his father. I couldn't do that to Yong Ho. If I told him we were having a child, I’d shatter all his plans, none of which included me, and it would force him to include me in his life once more.

I thought about life’s ironies once again. With Joonie, we never considered it and when we finally did and decided to have a child, life took him away from me.

How wonderful it would have been to have had a child with him. The child would’ve been loved, desired and would have brought immense happiness. Even with Joonie gone, that child would have filled my life with joy and probably prevented me from falling into the deep depression I experienced for so long. Most importantly, I’m sure, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Yong Ho.

I spent three sleepless days contemplating what to do, but from that moment, I began my journey of unconditional love for my child.

The following Monday, I had an appointment with an obstetrician at the Salerno hospital. He sent me for blood tests and an ultrasound. The results were positive, confirming the pregnancy through HCG levels.

That week of waiting was dreadful, especially as the nausea and vomiting plagued me relentlessly. The time for the ultrasound came, and everything I had learned was reaffirmed as I saw my child in the screen and heard the heartbeat. Again, I cried - this time out of excitement and infinite love.

My child was due to be born in the first days of January. I had a lot to think about and decisions to make, but I decided to postpone them for at least a few weeks. I needed to feel better; the nausea was overwhelming. I slept most of the day and barely ate, as I vomited almost everything.

Jin made a video call to tell me she had sold the apartment and needed my bank details for the transfer. I showed her the house, and she loved it, but she noticed my exhausted appearance and worried. She bombarded me with questions, asking what was wrong, whether I had seen a doctor, and insisting that I hadn’t finished grieving and shouldn’t be alone. She questioned whether leaving Korea had been a wise decision. I asked her to come take care of me, explaining that I wasn’t well and needed her company.

Jin arrived the following week. She saw me, and we hugged. She was deeply worried, saying, I canceled all my commitments, and I came straight to see you. What's wrong? Are you sick? Did a doctor see you?

I led her inside, and we sat on the terrace overlooking the beach and the beautiful landscape. I told her I was going to share the whole story but asked her to promise to listen without interrupting until I finished. I didn’t want her to judge me; I just needed her to listen. She nodded.

I spoke for about half an hour, recounting my story, and I saw tears streaming down her face, but she didn't say a word.

When I finished, she hugged me, and we cried. She told me I was in a huge mess and asked why I couldn't be simple and have simple and uncomplicated stories. We laughed a lot.

She stayed with me for two weeks, taking care of me, feeding me, and keeping me company. By the time she left, I was sixteen weeks pregnant, and my belly had started to show a bit. The nausea had ceased enough along with the vomiting.

I asked her not to say anything about my pregnancy for now. She said she would try, but she couldn’t promise, as Yong Ho had the right to know and decide what to do about it.

For a month Jin and I talked a lot. We messaged each other and almost every day had video calls. I was feeling much better and radiant.

I had already informed my parents about my pregnancy. They knew my story with Yong Ho and were fully supportive. They understood that it would never be a relationship accepted by others.

My Chilean friends were aware of the whole story in detail. They had promised to visit in September to provide support and company.

It was a hot day in August, and I was twenty-two weeks pregnant, my belly showing prominently. I had started feeling my baby move, and while life sometimes felt a bit sad, it was also beautiful. I had neighbors who cared about me, especially a gay couple and an elderly couple who had become, by that point, my Italian family.

I was reading The Lover, by Marguerite Duras, sitting on the terrace looking at the sea, sipping an iced lemonade, when Giovanni, my gay neighbor, appeared on his terrace and told me there was a man standing at my door.

Thanks, I’ll take care of it, I said, got up and walked towards the door. I was dressed in a white linen outfit – a skirt that I wore under my belly and a white crop top - exposing my already noticeable pregnant belly. I loved sunbathing with my belly exposed, so that my baby could feel the sun’s rays.

I opened the door and saw him. He looked at my face and then his glaze fixed on my belly. He stared, utterly shocked, and didn’t say a word. I wasn’t sure which of us was more surprised – me at seeing him unexpectedly or him at the surprise of my obvious pregnancy.

I realized then that Jin had told him the truth, and I felt betrayed. She could have at least warned.

I greeted him and invited him inside, walking straight to the terrace where I had been sitting before. I offered him a glass of lemonade, which he accepted as it was very hot outside.

How long has Jin known? He asked.

It’s been more than a month, I said.

And why didn't she tell me anything? He retorted.

I didn't understand anything. How did he know then? I thought.

Who told you? I asked.

Nobody, I didn't know, he said. I just overheard Jin telling Bo Hin that she had visited you and you weren’t well. She was very worried about you, saying had been in the hospital. I asked her directly what was wrong with you, and she told me that if I wanted to know about you, I should come and see for myself. She wouldn’t tell me anything, but she to come quickly because it might be too late. I got scared, thinking you were dying of some terminal illness and well here I am.

Weren’t you planning on telling me anything? He asked.

No, I said.

Why? He inquired.

I explained my reasons. We looked at each other, he burst into laughter. He laughed like crazy and cried. By this point, I was more confused than ever.

I thought you were seriously ill, that you were dying, and I needed to come to be with you for whatever time you had left. He said.

You look beautiful he told me and disarmed me.

And now that you know I'm not sick and not about to die, at least not yet. Do you still want to spend the rest of my life with me? I asked.

If you accept me and let me be the father of our child, of course, he said, hugging and kissing me. Then touched my belly, kissed it, and laughed, exclaiming, I can't believe it; I'm going to be a dad!