Unspoken fears
1026 Words
This sentence keeps looping in my head all the way back to my apartment.
"I only slept with Holly, with no one else, Ava."
What am I supposed to understand from this? Is he trying to convey something to me?
"You're different, Ava."
Does it have something to do with that? Maybe I'm just overthinking and analyzing words that have no hidden meaning.
I enter the apartment and I'm not surprised to find Noah in front of a video game, but I am surprised to see his boyfriend, Josh, sitting next to him reading. I've seen him a few times before, and he's very friendly, but he has never been here, at least not to my knowledge, and certainly not when I'm around.
"Hi..."
"Hello, Ana. Are you okay?" Josh asks.
"Yes... I didn't expect to find you here."
He subtly bites his lips; maybe it sounded a bit accusatory.
"Will you stay with us for lunch?" I quickly add.
"I wouldn't want to intrude," he worries.
"Not at all, I can't guarantee a gourmet meal, though. Just kidding."
"Don't worry, I'm used to it with Noah."
It's true that my best friend and I are both terrible cooks; our meals always revolve around pasta, rice, and mashed potatoes paired with different meats. Noah decides to stop his game at that moment and join the conversation.
"What are you talking about?" he asks.
"Our cooking skills," I joke.
"Oh, Josh must have boasted about mine," he jokes in return.
He laughs heartily, and suddenly, Noah turns to Josh and kisses him lovingly. My heart aches at this romantic scene, not a long passionate kiss, just their sealed lips expressing all their love. They part, but their gaze remains locked on each other. I can't even remember the last time I exchanged such a loving and tender look with a man, if it ever happened.
I was genuinely happy with Louis only during our first year of marriage; afterward, he removed his mask that hid his true personality. Maybe he never even hid it, but I was too naive to realize.
Noah puts away his controller and starts talking, but I'm not really listening; my thoughts keep returning to Darren and the last things he said to me.
"You're afraid."
Is he right? I'm hesitant to engage in a relationship, but who can blame me after what I went through with Louis? He showed me that he was entirely different, but maybe he's playing a role too, to ensnare me before springing his trap.
"What do you think, Ana?"
I look at both of them and try to recall what they were talking about; I have no idea.
"Ana?" Noah calls me.
"Sorry, I was lost in thought. What were you saying?"
"You were thinking about your handsome Apollo?" he teases.
My face turns as red as a tomato. I look away, hoping to signal to Noah that I don't want to talk about it now, especially not in front of Josh. He gets the message loud and clear and doesn't press for now, but I know that when Josh leaves, I'll be bombarded with questions.
"I was asking if you prefer books or movie adaptations."
"Books, without a doubt."
"You see," Josh chimes in.
Noah crosses his arms, pretending to sulk like a child.
"In books, there are more details, scenes that can't all be conveyed in a film. Plus, in a book, you can imagine the characters with the descriptions; you can even feel the character's emotions," I argue.
"I agree," says Josh.
"That doesn't mean adaptations are bad; there are some I love to watch. But if I had to choose, I'd choose books."
Josh leaves shortly after lunch. I left them some privacy so they could say their goodbyes while I slipped into my room. I also took the opportunity to change into sweatpants and a tank top. Then I rejoined my best friend, who immediately started asking for details about my evening.
"And once you got to the hotel?" he asks with a wink.
"He just waited until we were in the elevator. We kissed, he carried me to the bed, and gently laid me down."
I bite my lip as I think back.
"I started to please him."
"How?" he asks.
"He doesn't need a graphic description. I roll my eyes before saying, "I started with oral, but I had a bad memory and completely stopped."
"How did he react?" he asks.
"Very well, better than I had imagined. He told me I didn't have to if I didn't want to. He repeated that he wouldn't force me into anything and that I shouldn't let myself be forced. He was truly amazing."
"I already love him," he jokes.
"But I can't help but think he said that so I'd stay."
Noah takes both of my hands in his and locks his gaze with mine.
"It's not HIM, Ana. Not all men are like HIM."
"I know, Noah. He was really kind afterward. He let me have his bed, and when I couldn't sleep, he put on a movie for us. He even carried me to bed when I fell asleep."
"See, you're just scared, and it's normal after what you've been through. But you mustn't let that fear hold you back."
I hug him tightly, feeling like I could suffocate him if he weren't so imposing.
"He also noticed that I was scared," I murmur.
"I'm grateful to have found you again. I distanced myself because of Louis, who couldn't stand me having friends, especially male friends, even if he's gay. He drove me away from all my acquaintances who thought I was happy. Noah was my way out. My best friend understood that I wasn't doing well, and I confided in him. He's the only person in the world who knows a huge part of the story.
Noah wanted to confront Louis, but I talked him out of it; it would have backfired in the end. He helped me escape, start a new life, and move forward. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't run into him again."
- Writer
