My Love Letters To Food

When Life Gives & Takes: The Unexpected Is Given.

As our meal draws to an end and I have noticed a lot about the dynamic between Food and Sine. They cannot help but fall into a loving friendship when they share moments like dinner and laughter. P'Mait seems to enjoy them when it's dinner around the table and they share peacefully. I wonder what drew Sine to this tense and hostile state? Is it Food's ignorance towards their relationship or their need to hide it from him because they fear his reaction? It also seems to stem outside of the situation with P'Miatb but I see it as a huge contributing factor.

This is definitely going into my book though. The hardships a meal shared with those you love in different ways can call a truce to any war within a relationship.

"P'Mait, I'm going to leave now. I can't hide here forever and I have a lot to take care of before I got to the markets tomorrow morning. Pa Fon is coming as well after her shift so I have to prepare for her." I explain my reason for leaving even though I don't want to. "Food and I, walk him to your apartment building. Those vultures won't let you through peacefully after waiting all day and almost all evening for you in this heat.", P'Miat insists on accompanying me and I must say that I am grateful. I'm not much of a fighter but I can hold my own. With that amount of paparazzi though, I would surely be scathed. 

Food nods and walks to the door. We both follow him as Sine stays behind to clean up and arrange the apartment. As I slip on my shoes and walk behind P'Mait and Food, my mind runs a mile a minute about the chaos that awaits. I'd been there with my father after the identity of my mother was leaked. They had hounded us for months, day and night with their relentlessness and insistence on him making a statement. 

However, my situation isn't as severe but they hound me like I revealed a dark secret. What is so fascinating about where I study or who won a simple giveaway?

The elevator ride is long. Longer than normal and longer than reasonable. Food's broad back muscles ripple under his t-shirt and he didn't bother to change out of his boxers or put something over them. P'Mait was still in his basketball shorts and Lakers jersey. How could I not draw attention? I can just see the headlines in every tabloid tomorrow. 'Chef Sexy junior accompanied home by two sexy half-dressed gods!' P'Anda is going to have my head. 

As we exit the lobby, everyone looked at me as if I was all of a sudden different. I didn't have my mask on and I doubt that would help them recognize me less. My obvious white hair and outfit of the day were evidence enough. Food's face was evidence enough. I feel exposed somehow. I wonder how Food feels. He didn't even ask for this. He was just being a good brother and now he's dragged into my world, unwillingly and without preparation. 

Lights flash at the three of us as a street full of paparazzi flood towards us at their gate. How could so many people be waiting for me? What really is the cause? What is their real reason besides today's show?

Their shouting deafens and shocks me. "Nong' Nam is this your way of coming out?" One voice from the ocean of cameras flashes shouts. "Nong'Nam, is he your boyfriend?"

another shouts at me and I freeze. Where is this coming from? "Food Suppasit, are you not afraid this will weigh down your chances of renewing your rugby scholarship? Are you not thinking of this affecting others on the university team from getting sponsorships?" A lady walks backward in front of us as she hurls these clearly homophobic questions at him. "Nong'Nam, is it true that you're gay, to begin with? Why fake a concert to announce your relationship?" a man behind the lady shouts at me and I want the world to swallow me whole this instance. "Please move out of the way! Nong'Nam needs to enter his building. You've been here all day now move!" P'Mait shouts at them as he and FFood start to push them out of the way and I rush down the cleared path. Food pulls me close to him and shields me from the crazy people who begin to pull on me and demand answers. "Touch him again and I will break your face!" Food shouts at the man and all cameras capture that moment without a doubt. This will be on Thailand's version of TMZ if we even have one. 

Once we clear the gate with eth help of the night shift security from my building, Food, and P'Miat stop to catch their breath within the confines of my apartment building grounds. "Food, you stay with him until his people figure out how to keep him safe. These people are crazy enough to try and enter his apartment if they are crazy enough to attack him like they just did! I'll bring your stuff in the morning!" P'Miat shouts as he makes his way out of the gate and into the crazy ocean of paparazzi. Once he calls Food to let him know he's inside their gate, we begin our walk into my building, security is long gone. 

The silent elevator ride to the penthouse is longer than ist usual few minutes. It felt like an eternity before its doors opened and we were able to get off. "You can leave your shoes in the black area. The sanitized shoes are in that closet." I point to the same shoe closet P'Miat got his shoes from. I slip out of my shoes and put them into my shoe closet. It's more convenient to have it by the door. "Thanks." is his short and curt response. We walk into the open space and I fear being alone with him after all those implications made by those reporters. I don't know what is going on but the way those reporters questioned us, it was as if they knew something we didn't. I have very little time to think everything through before the doors to my penthouse elevator open to reveal aunt Fon and uncle Fah. Oh, just great. 

"Kid! What have you done?" Uncle Fah questions me and I am even more confused. Aunt FFon looks exhausted and goes straight to my bar area near the fridge.

"What are you on about? I just held a competition that I wish I didn't." I respond curtly as I cut my eyes at him. "You can sit where you like or go down the hall to sleep if you want," I tell Food and he just nods and follows aunt Fon who is heading to my white L sectional couch. "You want one?" Aunt Fon asks him and his response shocks me. "Sure and a Heineken if there is one." She puts her drink down and walks over to the kitchen to get him what he asked for. "You're in luck. Nam loves Heiniken." His gaze moves towards me and I blush. I only took a liking to it after I heard he liked it. I wasn't one for alcohol but I've built a high tolerance for it. 

"Good to know." is all he says as she makes her way towards him with two Heinkens and two-spirit mixtures that look like hers on a tray with a bottle of tequila. "What's going on?" I ask uncle Fah seeing as aunt Fin is not ready to talk yet. 

Aunt Fon pats the space beside her as uncle Fah sits beside Food on the opposit two seater couch. As I sit down, Food seems to be in on the twin telepathy going on between my aunt and uncle. Did I miss something? Once I'm seated, aunt Fon insists I drink a shot of tequila first. "You're going to need it." The burning sensation of the liquid heats up my entire body and I want to die. I must be red all over now. Uncle Fah hands me his phone and the pictures I see almost give me a heart attack. I look at Food and he looks away. I look at aunt Fon and she takes a big sip of her drink. "When were these released?" I ask anyone who is willing to answer. "When you were asleep. I first got them before it went live from a random IG account and then I called P'Anda and sent her the video. When it went live, Your father called me and he had some words for me about you. Your mother called as well but on your phone. I answered and she made me promise to not tell you until your aunt and uncle came to you. So I switched off your data." Food answers me and I want to die. I want the world to swallow me whole and s**t me in a different universe where I wasn't stalked while courting Food anonymously. Every moment is captured on camera. The first day at the florists and even the morning I set the sunflowers and curry on the hood of P'Mait's car. 

I am completely mortified. 

"Wow," is all I can say as I drink more shots of tequila and contemplate what best way to kill myself after this embarrassment. 

"It's not that bad. Look on the bright side. Now you don't have to hide that you like him. He knows! Albeit, it wasn't how you dreamed it would be but it's out there and by his reaction to all of this, you have a shot Kid." uncle Fah tries to lighten the mood too early. "Really Fah? Of all the times, you choose now to say this? Now? Wow," Anut Fon scolds her twin with sarcasm and all I can do is open the cold beer and drink its contents in almost one gulp. "Wow, slow down tiger! You need to be conscious for your press conference tomorrow so drink within reason.", uncle Fah tries to slow me down and I put the bottle down to drink more shots. "Not now, please. Let me just drown in my embarrassment for now.", is my polite response and he just laughs. Food remains quiet, though. He seems more interested in getting drunk than discovering I'm his lifelong crusher. 

"Just turn the music high and order something we can eat because I'm not cooking and I don't trust Nam not to try and burn us all down with him in this state.", aunt Fon tells her twin and he does as told while laughing at the situation. "This is about to get worse come morning so, why not?" We all throw caution to the wind as he connects his phone to my surround sound system and turns the volume on high. That is the perk of living in this penthouse. Sound proofing. "Food, dude are you good? You just realized who your lifelong stalker is and you seem so calm. I'd personally have questions." I hear my uncle talk to Food and before he can answer, I know I've heard enough and go outside to my balcony. Once those vultures realize I'm out there, their cameras start flashing again and someone shouts to me, "The music won't drown out the sound of you being a f*****g fag!!" and I have to respond to that. Walking ever so gracefully to the edge of the balcony I respond, "Thanks for that! I didn't know gay had a sound!" and all the other reporters laugh at him and I sit on the two-seater lounging chair. 

"Is this a private party?" Food's voice asks as he walks towards me on the balcony. I am not ready for this conversation. I'm still reeling from the embarassment. He offers the bottel of tequila and a shot glass on its cap, to me. I take it gratefully form him and take a shot. I way over my known limit of shots and I haave no plan of stopping. How much more can I embarass myslef in fornt of him that is worse than this? "No, I just needed to get away from my uncle. I know he mkeans to lighten the mood but it's too soon." He looks at me in the soft firefly lights behind us, that serve as the only source of light, and he makes me feel naked before him. Feeling tension on my head, I realize my bun is still intact and tight. Pulling out the pins, My hands have become sloppy from the amount of alcohol in my system. " s**t. Now, I can't even take down my own bun. Stupid!" I slap my palm on my forehead and Food reaches out to stop me. I snatch my hand away and drink his beer. "Don't you adre feel sorry for me." I warn him and I queit yet angry voice. "I'm not but that bun looks like it hurts." He pulls the pins he can see out of my hair, inches away from my body with his very own. The alcohol doesn't help ease my body'd reaction to him. "Shit." I whisper to myself and he snickers a little at me. 

Pin by pin, my stress about the empending converstaion between us increases and I am just waiting for him to say something hut even to the last pin, he doesn't say a word. After all the pins are out and my hair tossles down my back, he rubs his fingertips on my scalp and it feels a lot better than I care to express. "Thank you." is my response to his kind actions and I feel myself becoming more drunk. Leaning back on the lounging deck chair, I close my eyes and block out the world. Maybe I will wake up and it will all be a nightmare that my mind conjured to scare me from pe=ursuing Food. 

"What is it exactly that you like about me so much? I'm an asshole." Food asks me and I an reminded taht this is not a nightmare conjured by my mind. It is infact my reality. "I don't know. At first it, when we were kids, it was that you were popular and well liked by everyone. As we grew up, I found more things to like about you. The way you taught me how to garden. The way you brought hair pins and ties to school, in grade 11, because my hair always got in the way and I never had any with me. The way you protetcted me from Sam when he wanted to put me in the trash in grade 12. When you ate my birthday treats first in the class every year so everyone else would. I was the weird kid for such a long time and you somehow made it less lonely with your kindness. You may have not seem it but you got ,e through the toughest years of highshcool." I decided to be honest and confess the truth. It was already out there anyway. 

"The person who sent the pictures to me also sent me one from high school." He flashes me a picture of me in my old uniform when my hair was still black. I was standing in the tunnel leading to the rudgby practice field as I watched Food and Cream kiss with a bouquet of red flowers in one hand and a letter in teh other. "Wow," is all I say as I drink from his beer again. I'm happy I get to indirectly kiss him. "Why didn't you say anything before that? You talked to me beofre she did." SHame comes to me in waves at the cowardliness I remember coursing through my body each time I tried to talk to him. "I am a coward incase you haven't noticed. I'm sure you're dissapointed I'm the one crushing on you." He chuckles at this and i look at him. I can't be that bad?

"Actually, I'm not. I expected something else but you aren't it so it's good. You should have said something sooner though. Maybe I could have avoided alot in the past two years. Mainly, the girl I'm kissing in that piuctre." He shkes his head curiosityy gets the best of me. 

"What happened between you and Cream? You two seemed happy in highschool." He leans back towards me and drinks directly from the tequila bottle twice. "She was psycho. A complete nut case who wanted to control every aspect pf my life. I didn't really find her all that but because she'd put in the effort to aske me out I thought, why not. Boy, do I wish I had said no and been a jerk. I even wish you'd run out and confessed your own feelings so I would have had a chance to not experience prison on earth." Food answers unexpectedly and I wonder what transpired between them in detail. "Well, I did not see that coming. It must have been horrible if my confession would have been better." I mumble more to myself and he hears me loud and clear. "Why do you look down on yourself so much? Why do you think you're not good enough for me?" His question brings me back to a conversation I had once with my father about him and he had asked me the exact same question. 'Why do you look down on yourself so much, Nam? Why do you think you're not good enough for him, son?' 

A deep breath sort of clears my drunk thoughs and like a truth serum, the alcohol forces the truth out of me. "I'm not even close t being good enough for the award winning athlete and top teir student that is Food Suppasit. I am unworthy of the youngest brother of one of the most respected families in its community. You are a god while all I can do is be a pilgram at your feet. What could a simple chef offer someone who could potentially become a national hero in anything they do?" I rip myself to shreds in that one statement and he looks confused. WHat is so confusing about being perfect?

"I'm far from any of that. Let me tell you a secret since tonight seems to be the time to let it out. I do everything and try to be the best at everything because I feel as loney as you felt then. You only felt lonely at school. I feel lonely everywhere. At home. At school. In my own company. I feel like even I don't wnat to be in my own presence. SO that is why I am confused as to how you see me the way you do. I work hard to be seen and validated. You need no ones validtaion." HIs drunk confession surprises me a lot more than I thought it would. 

Deciding to find out the only thing that could make this situation even remotely better, I ask him, "So in the spirirt of honesty tonight, I must ask you this. Do you think I have a shot with you? Now that you know who I am and what I look like behind the letters and the meals, do I have even a remote shot?" Food leans into my side and forces my head to lay on his shoulder. "Yes, but I you promised to sweep me off my feet. I still want you to show me that side of you that you would have shown in those letters. I also like the flowers and teh free meals." We both laugh at his request and I smile inwardly, leaning more into him. I brasenly lay my leg over his own and he doens't move. Alcohol will make even the weakest and most cowardly, strong and brave. I should ahev drank in front of him along time ago. 

"Okay. That can be arranged." 

Music thumping from inside, spills out through the door and aunt Fon peeks out to see us cuddled on the deck lounger. She throws the balcket she has wrapped around her to us and shouts out to Food, "He catches the flu quicker than a puppy! Cover him up!", then walks back in. SHe looks absolutely trashed abut in a good way. "Wow, your aunt is hammered. I want to get to her level." Food jokes and I don't know what to say except to laugh. "The day you become my boyfriend, we can both get that hammered." He smiles down at me and says the last thing I expected him to say, "I can't wat until that day. I really can't."

If there is a silver lining to the nightmare that is to come, it is that Food looks forward to us dating as boyfriends. "Me either.", is my response as he covers us and I know sleep is taking me down a drunken slumber of nightmares about today.