My Love Letters To Food

To My First Love: That Second First Look

24/05/2021

It is official! I am a second-year student at the University of Bangkok with full credits from my first year! I took the programming examination with the group that was revising their failed one. I just could not take my tutor and his sour attitude anymore so I did not care about the mark. I was fed up. When the Professor asked me if I wanted to write with them, I was not even confident in my abilities but I did it. I passed it with flying colors!

Today I am on campus early because I did not want to get lost in this big department. It's one of the biggest campuses and the map makes no sense at all. I started wondering around at about six-thirty AM so I can find all my classes for today and look like less of a fool. It is all smoothing sailing until I have to find my first lecture hall for the day. As the clock rounds to seven-fifteen AM, I am about to give up until I see the sign. ROOM: 1291.

Once The lecture begins, my brain tries to absorb as much as possible while writing down notes and keeping up in my textbooks. I'm all alone in the back so I have nobody to distract me and I like that. Everyone is already affiliated with a certain friend group and unlike the first year, they do not feel an obligation to talk to me. Plus, we are all wearing masks so we really cannot see who is who anyway. This is an advantage for me. I'm just another weirdo with long blonde hair instead of, "Ahh! It's Chef Nam!" and everyone being fake to me.

As soon as the professor and a few of the students leave the room, a few people take off their masks and sit back down. They conversate amongst each other and you can tell that some of them are friends. A group of girls all pull out their lipstick and mirrors to fix their lipstick that will be ruined by the mask again. I do not see the logic in this. Even aunt Fon does this and I find it extremely stupid but to each his own. 

Another group is just sitting down and talking with a mixture of guys and girls. They laugh obnoxiously loud but there's nothing harmful about that. It's just very annoying, first thing in the morning. All these people must have the same schedule as me because it says I have three free hours before my next class. Today only has three classes anyway. What a light start to the week and I am happy about it.

"Ae'Food! You little s**t! Get your own breakfast! This is mine!" My heart drops and I snap my head towards the voice of the person who said that name. He's a brown-haired boy a little shorter than the same from the looks of it fighting off a six-foot-plus giant who is trying to grab his wrapped up salapao pack. "Come on Ae'Sine! You have five and I'm so hungry. You know Hia drops me off here before the sun is even out. Give me one." he begs who I now remember as Sine, his best friend. Sine just huffs and opens the whole bag for them to just share. For a split second, he turns towards the back and I see his face.

It's him! It really is him!! Food Suppasit! In the same room as me. 

"Food," I whisper a bit too loud by mistake and fake sleep before he can even suspect me. Peeking in his direction with my head on the desk, I see him looking around the room for who called his name. His thick eyebrows scrunch together and his mouth full of food squeezes tight around the bun protruding from his lips.

Oh. My. Gosh. Here I go again!

I have no time to dwell on the situation because my agent calls me to inform me I have a quick skype interview with a talk show that I cannot miss and to find a quiet place to take the call in five minutes. Knowing that I cannot take the call in this room. I hurriedly gather my things and rush out of the room. I look around my floor for a free lecture hall and find one at the end of the hallway. Sitting down, I set up my small ring light stand and attach the phone.

It rings in exactly the five minutes P'Anda had said and I hurriedly answer it after I remove my mask. "Today we are joined by a new chef who has taken the world by storm in his book 'Letters To My First Love: Food of My Childhood'! He is a best seller and son of Chef Tho who is a four and a half Michelin star recipient. This young man is on his way to the same accolades with his unique take on African and Asian flavors! Please welcome Chef Nam joining us from Bangkok!" The host introduces me and I cannot help but smile wide at the camera and say my thanks because what do you say after such an introduction? As the interview progresses, I slowly start to loosen up and become the animated chef everyone loves.

As soon as they end the call I slump into my seat and take a deep breath. That was exhausting. However, my rest is short-lived because P'Anda calls me. I answer the phone as it is still mounted on the tripod and she begins to talk. "How was it Nong? They didn't ask too much did they?" She is well aware of how much people like to pry into the situation between my parents by asking me and that is a strict rule of mine. I end the interview that second. "It was good P'Anda. They were nice and most of their questions were centered around my social media and the cooking classes." She smiles and nods. "That's good. They had originally asked for your father but I accidentally doubt booked him so I offered you and they loved it even more!1 Thank you. You saved me today!

Now, another reason I called you is because of the situation between your parents." I immediately take the phone off of the loudspeaker setting and put it to my ear. "What about my parents?" I ask panicked.

"Your mother has been writing a book about herself this past year. The Thailand Women of Honor Society is inducting her in a few weeks. I'd like for you to write a chapter of that book about your view on your mother and the entire situation that you grew up in. I need you to dig deep on this one and be honest because, trust me, she is holding back no punches in this one. Your father will be doing the same. Those chapters will be put under her letters section as 'The Family That Heals Together. Although you do not have a normal family dynamic, it's important to show that it did not hinder your success or their abilities as parents." P'Anda explains as I try to wrap my head around the potential craziness that will be in that book. I knew she was working on a book but I thought it was another career woman of the twenty-first-century type book. This is a new level of vulnerability for my mother. Her story is far from a pretty one. She had it hard growing up in the orphanage system. Being alone without knowing who you are and who your real family is.

"She's sure about this?" I ask because I know my mother and she hates pity more than anything else. "Yes, she wants to be inducted with full disclosure to Thai society. She feels she must not present a clouded image." 

As I am about to reply, a professor walks in and stares at me confused by the tripod. I quickly put on my mask and pack my thing. Apologizing to the professor, I rush out of her lecture hall and into the hallway. I check my phone to see if P'Anda is still on the line but she already hung up.

Later that evening, after my radio interview with my father, I rushed home back to my condo to work on my first draft for my mother's book. I did not do much except to lay out what I wanted to say and follow the chain of events properly. I secured all the facts and evidence about us as well and even talked to her about it briefly through Line.

Now, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown in my bathtub, about what? I have no idea. I just had this overwhelming feeling to cry and no, it has nothing to do with my mother. Scream after scream leaves my body as I sob into my knees with my hair stuck to my back. I can not stop the sobs as they force their way out of my body. What am I so upset about that I cannot even know? Did writing the draft for that chapter really have me this emotional? No.

My family history is not anything to be sad about. Sure my sperm donor wanted me dead but it was not that serious. I do not even know him. My mothers' physical absence is nothing to be traumatized about because I got to see her every few months and she called almost every day when I was growing up. We talked even more once I had my first phone. My father never once used me being his illegitimate child against me either.

Yet here I am, sobbing my heart out for a subconscious reason that I cannot think of. Knowing that this would spiral into a deep and dangerous depressive state if not handled properly, I get out and dry off. Taking out my journal from the back of my closet, I sit on my balcony, surrounded by calming plant life, and write out what I am feeling. Hurt is a big emotion right now. So is rejection. However, the biggest feeling that is wreaking havoc in my heart is regret. 

When I was in London I often thought it would have been better to just be rejected by him than live in the unknown as I had been. Like I still am. What good is it to not hear hurtful words when the ones in my own head may be worse?

The night breeze blows my annoyingly long blonde hair until it is dry and I just realize that I have been writing for almost an hour. That's how long my hair takes to air dry.

Looking across the street, I try to guess which apartment is theirs. What could they be doing right in this instance? What are they eating? Take out again? The wonders in my head are driving me crazy. So crazy that I get a crazy idea. I rush to my kitchen table where my live equipment is still set up. Mounting my phone, I take to start to record myself. I look hideous. My eyes are puffy and my face is red. Unmoisturized hair fails everywhere. I do not care though. This is just a start. I click record and start to talk into the camera. 

"Hello. Umh. I know I look hideous right now but please bear with me. There is something I need to confess first before I can get better. For almost all my life I have liked one person. This person just has no idea that is I am even alive. My existence is not as important as theirs is to me.

Many of you may not know this but I am a very shy person. I would not be able to string together a sentence if we ever met unexpectedly. This has been the main reason why my crush has not heard a peep from me. I am not brave enough to say anything.

A year before I left for London I had gathered up the courage, though. I had spent weeks crafting the perfect confession letter. When the time came, I witnessed another person confess the exact same day and they kissed in front of me. I remember thinking 'this is what being dead must feel like' for months after that incident.

After covid and my life-changing year in London, I was sure I was over it and I hardly ever thought about him again until today. Today, I saw him. He's actually in every class I have this semester from what I've seen today. Just my luck, right?

Seeing him took me back to that exact same place of falling so deeply in love with someone that it hurts. I fell for him in a split second of seeing his face and I have decided that against my better judgment, I'm going after him. Since I've been in love with him for almost fifteen years, I'm going to win his heart in just fifteen days with twenty meals.

I will keep making more videos like this each week. Maybe I will post them one day or maybe I won't. If this does work, then I will definitely be writing a book about it. It will be titled: 'My love Letters To Food: Meals To Fall In love'

I hope you all get to see this. Food, I hope you get to see this."

I have spent the entire night compiling a menu that is sure to win his heart. It wanted to remind him of all the times I was inadvertently there for him and he did not know it. Apart from watching him from a distance, there were times where I was brave enough to comfort him through meals. Although I had no money I did have the skill to make better versions of the meals and snacks everyone loves. My hope is that he sees me as sincere instead of stalkerish and perverted. 

This week I have set out to make breakfast menus that have Thai roots with South African influence. He also serves as the main source of review for this new book that I am conceptualizing. Even if he does not fall for me in the end, I will be rejected knowing I tried my best. 

My strategy is very simple. I will drop off the food package in a heat preservation bag and box it up. A letter will be placed inside of a large arrangement of flowers just to give everyone, including him, a clear indication of my intentions. I will send everything to him through a third-party flower shop. I am going after him so he can be mine. Hopefully, my gesture is grand enough to put others to off so that, this time, no one will interfere.

DAY 1: Goto mkunga and khao neow sang kaya (ข้าวเหนียวสังขยา)

'Dear Food

I've dreamed of writing this letter a million times. I even wrote it once but someone else beat me to the punch. However, this time I am not going to let this opportunity go. I have come to the realisation that not knowing your answer is worse than knowing it. For almost fifteen years I have admired you from afar. Only daring to interact with you a hand full of times. Each was a moment I treasure to this day.

You never saw me as anything more than a face in the sea of people who you know. I did my best to remain in the shadows because I would have passed out if you even looked my way for too long. I did not have the courage to be near you or even try to make you notice me. You were always the star too high for me to catch but close enough for me to admire. That was all I could do. 

Every victory and defeat, I cheered and sulked with you from afar. Every achievement and award, I was in the audience congratulating you with the masses since I was five years old. I was always your biggest secret cheerleader. 

At first, I thought I could stand just admiring you from afar but now I have seen you again and the world almost ended with this regret of not confessing, I thought I should tell you, 

I love you Food Suppasit and I am going after you.

All my love,

The Boy Who Loves You

PS. I hope you enjoy the food I have prepared for you. I heard you complain to Sine about P'Mait dropping you off too early and being hungry yesterday so I made you breakfast. I know how much you love Goto mkunga. I also remember the one time I brought khao neow sang kaya (ข้าวเหนียวสังขยา to school for my birthday and you had about seven.'

That is the letter that I wrote for today's meal. I dropped everything off at the florist's around six-thirty AM.

Today, everyone is early including the professor. The class only starts at seven-thirty AM but it's five minutes past seven and almost everyone is here. Isolation for a year must have really been hard on everyone for them to be this punctual. I guess they must appreciate the gift of conversing with their friends much more now than before. 

Food and his friend, Sine, are talking animatedly about something on Food's phone. I just smile like an i***t behind my mask as he gives his friend a high five. A knock at the door pulls me away from my concentrated gaze at Food. "Come in!" the professor shouts from his desk and a large bouquet of white roses enters the room before a skinny delivery man with a cap and t-shirt from the flower shop I ordered from. The delivery guy does not greet anyone, including the professor. He just stands in front of us and shouts, "Delivery for a Food Suppasit, Class 1291!" We all just stare at him for a few seconds until Sine hits Food. He stands up timidly and retrieves the delivery. For such a burly and confident person, the attention of everyone made him appear small and uncoordinated. "Please sign here." He asks Food to sign his electronic clipboard and, as soon as, he signs, the skinny man walks out. 

Food sits down at his desk and stands the flowers on his it to look for a card of some sort. Sine investigates the box and Food gives him the go-ahead to open it. "Why is this box warm?" Sine asks Food and he just shrugs his shoulder at him, just as confused. "Here it is." Food whispers to Sine when he sees the envelope with my letter inside. My heart starts to beat at a thousand beats a second. My heart cannot take watching him open everything so I lay on my desk and take peeps at him instead. I know it makes no difference but I feel like he may recognize me if he sees me and the meal at the same time.

"Oh wow. You really are a lucky bastard. You have breakfast delivered to you. How come you always get the good girls?" Sine complains to Food as he takes out all the food I packed and he tries to unwrap the khao neow sang kaya (ข้าวเหนียวสังขยา). Food instantly slaps his hand and he puts all the food in the box, and onto his desk. Sine immediately grabs the envelope and tries to open that. Food just snatched it and scolds him. "Why are you opening my stuff? This one clearly says 'For Food Suppasit Only'. Are we now both Food Suppasit? No" Sine sticks his tongue out at him and takes out his own phone.

Food sits back and opens his letter. The concentrated face he tells everyone that he's in no mood to talk. He also looks around the classroom every few seconds to see if anyone stands out but I have my head so deep in my desk that all anyone sees is a large blonde bun. "So what does it say?" Sine asks half concentrating on the game on his phone. "Look." My worst fear in the world happens. More people than just him read this letter. Sine is utterly defeated when he finishes reading the letter. He also looks around the classroom but I guess he does not find what he's looking for and turns back to Food. They whisper amongst themselves until the class begins.

The entire class, I hear nothing the professor says because the only thing going through my mind is if they suspect me. I know very well that I am the last person he would suspect because I am invisible to everyone but doing this is turning me into a paranoid wreck. 

"And that is it for today's class! Mr. Suppasit, do not forget your roses on my desk!1 The last person out, turns the lights off!" the professor shouts out as he walks out of the room and into the hallway first.

Food packs his bag and walks to the professors' desk to get his flowers and the box. Sine is right behind him. Before they are completely out of the classroom, Sine asks him, "So what are you going to do?". He just shrugs and walks out.

Just to make sure I do not bump into him outside or anywhere in the vicinity, I wait until I am the last person in the lecture hall. Walking down the aisle of desks, I close the blinds to each window until I reach Food's desk. Because I'm kind of obsessed with him, I walk over to it and just look around. It's nothing special. It's just like everyone else's but it's not at the same time. It definitely is not because everyone else's chair does not have folded paper on its seat. I am nosey enough to pick it up. It could just be a note. 

'To: The Boy Who Loves Me' is written right across the paper in big and bold letters.

 I immediately put it down and walk as slowly as possible to the door and check if there is anyone just watching and waiting to catch me take the letter obviously addressed to me. The coast is clear. Tiptoeing back to the letter, I quickly stuff it in my bag and rush out of the room after turning all the lights off. Today is just the first day of fifteen days and I have had three near-death experiences with my heart. Food really has a hold on me so strong I am at his mercy and will.

I have no classes for the next hour and a half I remember as I run to my car so I can open the letter. I would die waiting to open it at home. As soon as my door closes, I pull it out and begin to read with urgency. 

'The Boy Who Loves Me

Who exactly are you and how do you know all of this? Fifteen years ago I was five? Are you a p*****t or something to have been liking a little kid? This is really creepy to me.

Another thing. I was single for a very long time before I started dating my ex in high school. We broke up a year ago and that was also a good time for you to confess. Why now? Why after a global pandemic do you decide to confess? 

Let us not ignore the elephant in the room either. You are definitely a guy. So am I. I'm not homophobic or anything but did you think of the amount of adjustment your confession will take on my part? How am I even supposed to try to reciprocate your feelings if I have no idea who you are or what you look like? This would be so much easier if you just came up to me and confessed. 

And where were you today in class? In the back? By the windows? I tried to see if I could spot you but I know everyone guy in that class and you weren't there. No one in that class if from my primary or high school either. Are you playing with me? How did you know about me not having breakfast yesterday because I said that in my class when I was talking to Sine after class?

I don't know what game you're playing but please play it with someone else. I haven't the time or energy to be played with again. Thank you for the breakfast though. I will eat it.

Yours sincerely,

Food Suppasit.'



25/05/2021

I will not go undefeated! I will charge forward with the love I have for him and give it all to him! I will not give up!

Today's meal is very simple but also very hard to make for most people because it requires technique and exact execution of its flavors. I am going to try and add a new spin to an old Thai classic to show the meaning of today's letter through the dish. I saw that I needed to change my approach from shy to bolder and out there. I have no idea how to do that though so I hope by showing the changing flavors of who was when I fell for him and who I am now falling for him again, he will understand me. 

DAY 2: Khao Kai Jeow and South African spicy Chutney over a bed of herbal fried rice.

'Dear Food

I think we got off on the wrong foot. My identity is not important. My sincerity and honesty are. I am not a p*****t. We are actually the same age. Maybe watching you from a distance was a little creepy but I meant no harm. Nothing happened to you.

I know you were single for a very long time but I was a coward them so I was not brave enough to say anything. I only found out through your letter that you and Cream broke up a year ago. I was away for the first year of uni so I missed all the details about you that were not on your social media.

I am a boy after all and you were every girl's dream guy. If you're being honest, had I said something when I was in middle school or high school, you would have beat me up. It was actually the pandemic that made me brave enough to even start talking to you in all the fifteen years I've known you. Are you really that vain that you care about my looks more than my heart? I never saw you as a very superficial person. Could a year in university have turned you so superficial? Even under such heavy lockdown regulations and zoom classes? You should worry about my intentions and give me a fair chance based on my effort. That is all I am asking for.

I was actually in class yesterday, as I will be today. I told you that I am invisible to you and everyone around you. I saw you and Sine looking for me yesterday but even after I looked directly at you, you did not see me. You never have. I was every class with you since we were five. For fifteen years I have been invisible to you. Everything I know about you is what I have witnessed. I have no friends so nobody would tell me anyway. You just don't see me. I always wonder what could possibly make me visible to someone like you? 

To clear up the obvious, I am not playing with you or your emotions. I have no intentions to hurt you in any way possible. That is the last thing I would ever want to do to you. I'm really sorry someone hurt you that much in the past but I am not that person. Please do not burden me with others' mistakes.

Enjoy today's breakfast. It may not arrive to you as crispy as when I made it but I hope you savor the flavors.

Sincerely,

The Boy Who Loves You.

P.S I look forward to your reply.'