Neith

Grief

Education is not merely a means for earning a living or an instrument for the acquisition of wealth. It is an initiation into life of spirit, a training of the human soul in the pursuit of truth and the practice of virtue.

- Vijaya Lakshmi Pandit

Neith's Pov

Light... I felt a subtle light hit my face, bringing me out of the depths of darkness.

Mm... I moaned as I stirred around before sitting up. A yawn escaped my mouth as I scratched my head.

I looked around slightly confused to see me in my room.

When did I get here? Wasn't I sleeping near the fire place yesterday?

It took me a few seconds to collect my thoughts. I gasped as I recalled the conversation I had with Ammon. I immediately got up and ran a couple of steps before I realized my legs were too soar. But I ignored it and started searching for Ammon and Baba.

I looked everywhere in the house but both of them were no where to be found. I needed the conversation to be a dream. In a way not finding them meant so because there was no way Ammon would leave me alone if father really had died.

But I couldn't shake this feeling of dread that had settled in my stomach.

Maybe I should head to the Palace and check on them?

I remembered then that I still hadn't checked behind the house. I ran towards the back door and pulled the door with such force for a second I thought it would fall right off. Luckily it didn't.

I scanned the area and spotted Ammon talking with Anka's father Jabari.

Why was Ammon talking to one of the minister's of the court?

Both of them turned their heads towards me and quickly turned away. After a few seconds Jabari left and Ammon made his way towards me.

As he drew closer, my heart seemed to accelerate even more and my stomach turned around so much I thought I would be sick. I prayed to Aten for it to be a bad dream. I would even give up on my dreams or even my soul if that's what it would take.

Once he was close enough I noticed how his eyes seemed red and sucked in. He also looked like he had aged a few years. Does this mean it wasn't a dream? That Baba was really gone?

"Did you tell me something last night about dad or did I dream up something stupid again," I blurted out when he was close enough to hear me. A few tears had already made their way down my cheek. I already knew the answer but I didn't want to hear it, believe it.

"I'm so sorry Neith. I... I should have waited until you woke up to tell you about it," he said pulling me into a hug, crushing me. I could feel him shaking.

I hugged him back sobbing uncontrollably. It hurt. It hurt so much. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body. I couldn't stand anymore. I felt my legs give out underneath me.

Both of us sat down and I continued to sob. I felt a few tears wet my back. Ammon was crying too. This made me cry even harder.

We had no one any more. We were left alone, abandoned. What was going to happen to us? Why did father leave us? Did Aten hate us? Is that why he took both my parents away?

"Ho... how di...d it happ...en," I asked in between sobs. I tried to stop crying but the tears just kept pouring down my face.

There was a pause, a long pause. I looked up to him when he still didn't answer. There were a lot of emotions that crossed his face.

"Dad didn't want me to tell you this but he has had a bad heart for a long time. He died because of it," he said softly.

What?

"What do you mean a bad heart?" I asked confused. Why would father want to hide something like that from me? Why did he have a bad heart in the first place? What in the name of Aten was going on?

"He didn't tell you cause he knew you would worry. He just collapsed suddenly yesterday and by the time the swnw (doctor) came..." Ammon trailed off, looking away.

I just started at him as if I had just heard the most absurd thing in the entire world.

"I'm so sorry, it's my fault that all this happened. I should have noticed sooner that he was in such a bad state," Ammon said putting his head into his hands.

Oh no, he is blaming himself for this. I didn't need to interrogate him right now. Not in this state.

I held his hand on mine, ''It's not your fault. Please don't do this to yourself. I can't have you break down. Not when I need you the most," I said looking at him. His fallen face almost killed me. Tears started rolling down my cheeks again. I tried to wipe them away but they wouldn't stop. I can't cry, not now, not in front of Ammon. I looked up and saw my brother in tears as well. I embraced him hoping he wouldn't be so hard on himself.

He must be suffering more than me. Although I missed my mother I never really knew her but Ammon did. He knew mother and father for much longer than I did. To loose them both must really be killing him. Ammon held onto me like his life depended on it. All I could do then was let him.

*****************

I spent the rest of the day cleaning the house. Ammon had gone to do the necessary preparations for the burial. Later that day, we both had a simple dinner consisting of fish stew and some dried fruits. Non of us talked during the meal.

Once I was on my bed, staring at the ceiling my mind started drifting. This room was were my mother spent most of her time. I was told this was where she used to make clothes for people. After her death father redecorated it for me. I wished I knew more about her but I never bought up the topic as both father and Ammon would look sad whenever I did.

My mind then drifted towards Baba. How could he have not told me about his heart problem? How dare he leave me and Ammon alone? My sorrow was replaced by anger now. I had the right to know didn't I?

There was no way I could sleep now. I felt empty inside. There seemed to be a void I couldn't fill. Will it ever get filled? Even the tears stopped flowing now. How was one supposed to move on?

I needed to get some air. All this thinking made my head ache. I stepped outside the house and to my surprise I found Ammon sitting by the beam.

''What are you doing up so late?" I asked, walking towards him.

"Couldn't sleep," he said looking up at me. The night was filled with stars. All dazzling brightly in hues of blue and black. There were so many that it was impossible to count. On any other day I would have enjoyed their beauty, but right now I really couldn't. I wondered if dad was up there. Was he watching us?

''Do you think dad is watching us from up there?" I asked.

''Ya, he probably is watching us right now. I'm sure both Father and mother will watch over you," Ammon said as he smiled at me for the first time today.

''They will watch over us both,'' I replied, smiling back at him.

"Let's go inside, you'll catch a cold otherwise," he said getting up.

"Brother, can I sleep with you today?" I asked as he walked me inside.

"Sure you can, but no snoring," he said, teasingly.

"Hey, I don't snore," I said hitting him on his cheat. He let out a small laugh and that made me smile.

I was so glad I had him by my side. For the first time today I felt like we might be able get through this.