I'M FEMALE, I'M MAFIA

ANTI-COUNTERFEITING DIVISION

Every time Jade glanced at herself in the mirror, even for a split second, Luna mercilessly took her down. “This ain’t no fashion show, baby-doll. You take your eyes off your assailant, you dead, and so is the person you’re supposed to be protecting."

The second week of training, as Jade dragged herself off the mat for what must have been the tenth time, Luna said, “You look at yourself so much in that damn mirror, I’m gonna start callin’ you Alice. Alice through the lookin’ glass." 

All the students got a kick out of this.

“Can’t we do the training somewhere else?” Jade suggested. “Maybe outside?”

“Outside?” Luna snickered. “Why, baby-doll, you’d just admire your pretty self in the window reflections." 

There was more laughter.

Jade wanted to strangle the woman, but she also knew that Luna was right. When acting as a Special Agent in a protection role, she had no business looking at anything but the face, hands, and feet of an assailant. She found that glancing at her reflection was an incredibly difficult habit to break.

Luna only exacerbated the problem, constantly baiting Jade during the training sessions with comments like, “Your hair’s out of place,” or “Your thong’s showing."

Every session with Luna became a living hell.

* * *

Jade began to worry that her “Alice” habit was her Achilles’ heel, the weak point that would knock her out of the training program and out of the Secret Service for good. The day before her final review in Luna’s martial arts class, Jade ran into the big woman on the way to the obstacle course.

“Why don’t you just throw in the towel right now, Alice? You ain’t gonna make it."

“I’m not quitting,” Jade said.

“You can’t shoot worth a damn, you’re lousy on the obstacle course. My grandmother can drive a car better than you, and she’s been dead twenty years. There’s no way in hell you’ll pass my review tomorrow." 

“I’m not quitting." 

Luna shrugged. “Face it, honey, you’re too much of a girly-girl for this kind of work. Why don’t you just get a job at some department store cosmetics counter and save yourself the humiliation?”

Jade brushed passed her.

Luna looked on, snickering. “If you go on like this, I’m warning you - you might chip your nail polish."

Jade did not sleep more than two hours that night, worrying about Luna’s martial arts review.

Luna made Jade wait until the very end of the session and watch everyone else get their reviews. Six of the students failed and had to take the “walk of shame” back to the main building to turn in their equipment and officially drop out of the program.

“Now, who’s left?” Luna said, looking around.

Jade slowly raised her hand.

Luna said, with a sigh, “Okay, Alice, come on,” as if Jade’s failing the test was merely a formality.

Jade put in her mouth guard and Luna started circling her.

“Your lipstick’s smeared,” Luna said, taking a light jab at her. “Don’t you want to check it in the mirror, Alice?”

Jade kept her eyes locked on Luna’s viper-like face. Don’t even blink, she willed herself.

“Your mascara’s running,” Luna said.

Ignore the b***h. If you don’t pass this test, you’re out of the Secret Service.

“Come on, Alice,” Luna jeered. “Don’t you want to check your pretty doll-face in that lookin’ glass?”

At that instant, one of the students cackled.

Luna’s eyes cut in that direction.

Jade’s right leg shot up. It was a perfectly executed snap kick. It connected solidly with Luna’s jaw. The big woman’s head jerked up, and then her heavy frame went down hard, hitting the mat with such force she let out a loud “ugh!”

Jade leaped on top of her, twisted her arms behind as required for cuffing.

All the other students were stunned. No one had ever knocked Luna down before.

Luna quickly rolled over and got to her feet, wiping her mouth with her hand. She looked at her fingers. They were smeared with blood.

Jade backed away, terrified.

The room was so quiet that all she could hear was the sound of her own shallow breathing.

Luna glared at Jade for a long moment, and then her lips pulled into a crimson smile. “Well done, girl. Looks like there’s hope for you after all."

From that day forward, it seemed like the rest of the training was downhill for Jade. She was filled with elation, thankful that she hadn’t given in to the temptation to quit halfway through, like some of the others. She and Luna became close. Jade was thankful that she had faced such a formidable instructor and had passed all the tests. Her father would have been proud.

When the fifteenth week of training finally began, Jade was excited - this was when the anti-counterfeiting modules began.

The instructor for the first day was a man who simply used the pseudonym “Goddon.” Rumor was that he was an official from the highest echelons of the Secret Service Anti-Counterfeiting Division, perhaps even the director of the entire unit.

When the balding man entered the room, everyone stopped talking. Even though he was thin and walked with a cane, there was an intensity about him that was intimidating. He had a shock of red hair and a ruddy complexion. He seemed ill-tempered before he even opened his mouth.

Silently, he appraised the thirty two students in Jade’s class. He did not look impressed.

“Who can tell me what intaglio printing is?” He said this so abruptly that some of the students jumped.

Jade glanced around - the trainees who had made it this far in the program were all cream of the crop, and were quick to volunteer answers. No one said a word.

“Not a single one of you knows?” Goddon said, jingling the change in his pocket.

Jade didn’t want her class to look like a bunch of dummies. She raised her hand.

Goddon looked over at her and nodded.