BLESSED

Chapter 7

CAMILLA'S POV 

It is finally Tuesday, there is only one day left before the interview and I don't know how to feel about that, maybe I should plan everything and think about what I'm supposed to say, and the most important thing, do not talk about the pregnancy. 

Nowadays, people don't take young pregnancy very well, they will call you names and say to you ruined all of your life, I'm going to prove them wrong.

I'm going to have this kid, and live as a single mother, have my dream job and end up living my best life because they're not the ones who decide if I'm going to be happy or not, they're not the ones who decide what happens to my baby and what happens to my life after that.

They know nothing.

Now, I need to prepare, make a little plan in my head and think about everything that can happen, not that I already don’t do that but this time is more specific.

This time whatever I say or do is going to change my future and I have to be very aware of it, if this doesn't go right I don’t know what I’m going to do…

I looked a lot for other works that would only take a few months and then I would be able to leave, that way I could earn enough money and then leave and no one would know that I was pregnant.

This one was the only work that I could manage to do that if everything goes right, I will be able to handle everything on my own.

When I talked with Tyler the other day, he didn’t seem to want to be part of the baby’s life, it is not like he said it out loud, but I could see that, by the way, he didn’t touch the topic, he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Maybe never will.

However, now I need to focus on what I'm doing right now and leave all of that for later, I might not have all the time in the world but right now, I really need to focus on the present.

Leave that topic to another time.

Shaking my head softly, trying to get those thoughts from my head,  I started planning what I was going to do and say, being pregnant was totally not one of the things that I’m going to say.

This pregnancy is going to be a secret, only the ones that were close knew, even if they aren’t here with me now, I don’t want a lot of people knowing that I’m pregnant.

I hate when people give me those ‘judgy eyes’.

Everything was ready for tomorrow and I even picked a look that I’m going to wear, now that my stomach is not that big, I’ll able to wear anything but as time goes by, things will start to get harder and I’ll need to be careful with the things I use.

Maybe as time goes by, I’ll find some clothes that will make my stomach look smaller than it actually is and I’ll be working on that for 5 months, at least that is what they were asking for, so it will be fine.

Everything will be fine if it goes as planned.

I will probably not make a lot of friends so that they won’t figure out that I was pregnant or fill me with questions about why I left when that happens.

So, just to remind me of everything that I’m planning on doing in these months that are about to come, I made a list.

Don’t tell anyone I’m pregnant  Don’t make friends, or talk a lot about my private life  Make sure to put on clothes that won’t show my stomach

And that is all for now, maybe in the future I’ll put more these but for now, that’s it.

Grabbing my phone to check the time, I see that is already 5 pm.

Maybe I should go to the beach and just enjoy everything that I have right now, take some deep breaths, and calm down so that I feel good about what is going to happen tomorrow.

And that is what I’m going to do.

I pick up the things that I usually take to the beach and walk to the car, playing the soft playlist that was already on the home of my Spotify, and start driving, listening, and enjoying every soft beat from the song that was playing.

There are so many songs that make me smile, feel happy just from the rhythm that it has, feel emotions that I could never feel with any other song or simply make me want to live.

Enjoy every second of every day as much as I can, because one day I won’t be able to do what I can do now, and then I’ll regret not enjoying it.

Even if that one boy broke my heart, my life will go on, he’s not the one who made me live and I know that I loved him with everything I had, even if we dated for so short period of time, I fell from him, hard.

Tyler will have him happily ever after one day, and I have to make sure that I’ll have mine too, I’m the only one who can make that happen.

Because I can’t wait forever, I can’t wait for Tyler to suddenly realize that the baby inside of me is his and assume he will come back and I’ll greet him with open arms.

As much as I want that to happen, it is only a wish, something that is going to remain in my imagination as I dream while I’m awake.

The one I will spend my life with will come, one day.

When I’m not waiting for it, when I stop looking for someone, that person will appear and save me from falling into the deep.

That person will love me and my child, and we will all be happy.

At least that is what I believe.

For now, I’ll enjoy every little thing that life has to give, even if it is bad, and l will learn to form it.

From everything that is going to happen with my life, I will learn and try not to make a mistake again. Try to become a better person, but not for a man that is going to come, and might never come.

I’ll become a better person so that my daughter can follow my example and be a strong woman when she grows up, and if it’s a boy, he will be a strong and independent man and will learn that playing with girl’s hearts is not a good thing.

My child will learn that when we make mistakes, we have to face them, even if we’re scared, even if we’re not prepared.

Life is full of ups and downs and even if we’re not ready, we can’t just run away forever, one day or the other, we will have to face the truth.

When I come back to reality, I notice that I’ve reached the beach, stopping the music and getting out of the car, I take everything I brought, out.

Starting to walk to the spot that I always am in, I see that the sunset is almost happening which means that I’ve reached right on time.

Walking there, I notice that there are not a lot of people on the beach today, maybe because it is a little windy today, these autumn afternoons are not as hot as the summer ones, where it was enjoyable to be outside until the sun was down because it would never warm out.

But now, as it starts to get colder and the days last less than the nights, people come here in the morning, taking a walk or simply watching the sunrise, forgetting about all of the beauty that the sunset has to give.

When I reach the stop I see that no one is here, when my child is born I want them to see this place, how the sunset looks different, even if it is the same as the others are watching, it looks like heaven on the heart and every time I come here, the feeling is the same.

The way the little pool of water, away from the wide sea, reflects the colors of the sun is beautiful and something that not all people will see, not because they don’t want to, but because the human being is way too selfish to share the beautiful things that we find in this world.

And that is why this is a secret place.

I place the towel on the ground and sit down on it, softly placing my purse beside me and hugging my knees next to my chest, wrapping my skinny arms around them so that I keep balance.

This is one of the positions that I won’t be able to do in a couple of months, when my belly starts to grow, I won't be able to wrap my arms around my knees and stay in the position I’m so familiar with.

But it doesn't matter, because my little one will be occupying the space.

I look up and see the sky, shades of purple and pink start to mix in a graceful dance as the yellow follows by, creating one of the patterns that we know we will only enjoy once in our life.

Looking as the colors changed, I smiled, maybe just because it was a good sight or maybe because now I knew that everything was going to be okay, at the end of the day, I would be happy with my little baby beside me, going on adventures that we never planned on and discovering new places that we will never tell anyone so that we can make it ours.

Spend hours looking at the sky and talking about how beautiful the colors in it are, watching as the light shades of purple and pink become different shades of blue.

Now, the sun was almost down and all of the light that was being given by the sun was now fading, letting a million stars shine and give a soft light. 

Some people would only see blue and starts, but to me, the sky is something that no one truly understands, as the shades of blue are all different but the same at the same time, and all of the stars that we put out hopes on, are fireballs that are way too far to be seen.

I pick up my camera and take a picture of the moon, it is hard to catch all the beauty that it has, when I was younger and tried to do it with my phone, I was never able to catch its true beauty but I would see it and enjoy it with my eyes.

Now that I know how to take pictures of the moon, is way easier to appreciate it even more.

When I finish taking a couple of pictures I stand up and grab my things, the sky gets darker quicker now that is autumn and I do not want to get lost in the darkness of this beach.

So I start walking to my car, glaring at the beach once again with a small smile on my face, it’s not as if I’m saying goodbye because I’m not.

I know that I will come back, I always do, I wouldn’t be able to survive without watching as the sun goes down gracefully and the colors dance with each other. 

This is just a see you soon, I know that I probably won’t have time to come here every day as I do now, but I will find a free space to come here and relax, think and be happy just for being alive.

And that is why I’m smiling, every time I come here, I feel alive, this place reminds me of everything I’ve been through and reminds me that, good things will happen if I fight for them.

I get into the car and let the soft music play once more, leaving the beach for a short period of time, knowing that my life is going to change from now on and that every decision that I’m going to make will not affect just me but also my little kid.

As the music plays and I drive home, my head is in cloud 9, it’s always there, reflecting about everything that happened in my life, thinking about some things that might never happen, thinking about how humankind works.

And yes, I am still a seventeen-year-old, but I actually think a lot, if people would listen to me as I think they would maybe realize how young people can also think deeply and actually see the bright part of the world.

I’m not innocent and actually, no one is true, everyone has one side that they won’t show in front of others because they’re scared of being judged, they’re scared of showing their true selves so they simply pretend to be someone they’re not, and live in a complete lie.

That’s something that I surely don’t want to happen in my life, living pretending I’m someone I’m not just to make someone happy, I do comprehend why some people would do it… 

But is it really worthy?

Pretending to be perfect just to make others happy, and simply ignoring the way you truly feel?

Is it worth living all your life hidden?

Living a lie?

Maybe some will say it is worth it, seeing other people happy is the only thing they want, others will say that is like being in a prison, but you will never leave it and you’ll have to learn how to live there, adjust and get used to being there.

In my point of view, no one should have to pretend to be something so that they can be accepted, everyone is unique and show be admired as the person they truly are. 

Doing what they want to do and talking about the things they’re passionate about, not doing what others think they should do and talking about the things that others think are cool and accept them because they think that person also likes it…

Damn it this world is a mess...

Without even realizing I’ve reached home, parking my car and just staying there for a little while, taking a deep breath and just calming down a little, I leave the car and go in the house.

Going directly into my room, I close the door behind me and simply throw myself into bed, I’m way too tired to do anything else and tomorrow is going to be a big day and I surely need to sleep.

Not even bothering to change clothes, I cover myself with the blankets and fall into a deep sleep as the cool breeze from the night passes gently through my window, making me feel warm and cozy under my blankets.

As time goes by, all of the dreams I won’t remember when I wake up to happen, memories from years ago, or even just things that don’t make any sense.

Everything happens in these hours that I’m resting.

And now, when I finally wake up and come back from my imaginary world, is going to be the day that is going to decide how the rest of my life goes.