Remind me why

Chapter one

You know when you have a restless sleep, constantly tossing and turning, not able to find a comfortable spot. Going from taking your blanket off from the heat to putting it back on from the cold. Unable to stop your brain from thinking about everything that’s ever happened all at once, to questioning why the world is made the way it is. That’s currently how my night is going well morning I suppose. As I look over at my alarm clock on my bedside table, and it reads three forty a.m. I groaned and lay flat on my back, and stare up at my ceiling. I grab my pillow, to cover my face and let out a scream of pure frustration before I start flailing my arms and legs around in a angry child like tantrum and kick my blanket, sheets and pillows off. I’m breathing heavily as I stop and go back to staring at my ceiling. I give up, no sleep it is. I groan and roll to my stomach and slowly slide off the side of my bed and onto the floor in a sprawled out position on top of all my bedding. I sit up and stare off at my bedroom door for what feels like 30 minutes before I finally decide to stand up and go to my bathroom to, unfortunately, get ready for the day. I stop and stare at myself in the mirror and take in my appearance. My long brown hair tangled like a squirrel lives in it. The dark bags under my hazel eyes. My flushed cheeks make my freckles stand out more than normal. The deep frown of my lips. I groan again as I dragged my hand over my face, and sit down on the toilet. I stare off once again. It’s going to be a long day. But thank gosh, it’s Friday or I would not have made it to the end of the week. I get up and change into running clothes and toss my hair up into a ponytail without even caring how messy it is, I make my way downstairs into my kitchen and grab a water bottle, keys and cell phone before darting out the front door.

Once I’m on the sidewalk, I take off into a light jog, and of course, the streets still have a bunch of people in a hurry to get wherever they are going. New York never sleeps after all. I jog for about 8 miles before I come to a stop in Central Park to breathe. I haven’t run like this in years, something I definitely miss. My phone starts ringing, I answer it without even looking, and I instantly regret that decision when I hear the voice I've been avoiding. “ Hi Ms. Walker, it’s me Mr. Miller, I'm glad I was able to get hold of you. Sorry I am calling so early but wanted to let you know before it got filled. I just wanted to let you know that I have an opening today at 1p.m if you’d like to come in so we can go over your mothers will?” I inwardly groaned, “yeah okay”, I muttered out “Perfect! I will send you my office address!” he says, way too happy for someone who’s going to tell me about my dead mother's will. The phone disconnects and I stare at the screen. It reads six thirty a.m. I huff as I start walking through the park. I haven’t seen my mother in almost ten years, then yesterday I got a call that she had passed away unexpectedly earlier this week and left a will. . A will. With what on it, I have no clue. Last thing I knew, she had nothing and was bumming from everyone and everybody to get her next hit. I make my way towards benches at the edge of the path in the park to sit down for a moment but stumble and fling my phone and water bottle as I attempt to regain my balance. I start cursing everything and everyone as I pick my phone up to see the screen cracked. “Of course my day is only going to get worse, of all days! It’s like the universe knows I’m having a bad day and wants to poke the bear for shits and giggles just to watch my reaction!” I ramble to myself and grab my water bottle. “Oh dear.” I hear someone say, I whip my head up to look at the person. It’s an older lady with dark hair that has touches of gray in it, she’s sitting on a bench with a book in her hand staring at me with wide brown eyes. “ I apologize I don’t mean to stare, I just couldn’t help but notice you stumbling and tossing your phone like it was on fire.” The lady softly chuckles. I stare at her with my mouth open in shock at the audacity this lady has. She chuckles again, “Sorry my husband always tells me I’m too blunt.” She sighs with a smile as she looks down at her hands as if to be thinking of her said husband. She looks back up with soft eyes. “Please sit and feel free to rant about it if you’d like. I just finished my book and don’t want to walk back home just yet if you want to keep me some company?” I look around, is this actually happening right now? She was just laughing at me now, wanting me to sit down with her and tell her about my day. I stare at her a moment longer, and she stares right back. I sigh, and made my way to sit down on the bench next to the lady. Not like I have anything else to do, and I could use a good rant to someone I’ll never see again. “So tell me sweetheart, what has you cussing everything?” It was like she was a witch who has cast a spell on me, that opened floodgates on a very full dam that I didn’t know was full, because for the next two hours I told this lady everything about me and what’s happened to me how I was abandoned at thirteen by a drug addicted and alcoholic mother and shoved into the foster system because I didn’t have any family or even know who my father is and how I hate the world for being cruel and unfair yet so beautiful and wise. And she listened, truly listened, hardly said anything but for a few questions or acknowledging me, talking with uh huh and yeah. She didn’t look at me like I was insane or with pity for how shitty my life was. She looked at me with comfort and awe. As if she was surprised at how well I’ve turned out and taken on the world. Somehow we ended up at a café not far from the park, with the sun up in the sky now and people buzzing around everywhere. She told me a bit about herself as well right after, I guess to make me feel better about telling her my entire life, or just genuinely wanting to tell me, like her name is May. She has three boys and a lovely husband named Dan. Her boys are around my age but all around the same age as me and doing very well for themselves. The oldest, sitting at thirty-two years old, named Callahan, owned a business in architecture. Then there is the middle child, Sam, about to turn thirty on November 16th, which is in five weeks. Thank you May for telling me how many weeks away that is. He is following in Dan's footsteps in marketing. Then her youngest is Conner, twenty-six years old, who is a professor at Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Who is quite a robot nerd, according to May. She grew up here in New York and met Dan when she was fourteen and was married at sixteen. By the age of eighteen, she had her first boy. She glows talking about them, full of pride and joy and love. Like a mother should be, she and her husband are their biggest supporters. She adores her family and loves them with everything. You can tell by how she speaks of them and how her smile gets so big and her brown eyes glow with so much warmth for them. Part of me is envious of the love she has for them, then part of me feels so happy for her. I feel as if part of me has just connected to her soul or as if long-lost friends are finally getting together again. Her warmth is contagious, and it draws you to her. May is truly a special ray of light someone like me doesn’t get in their life.

After a couple of of hours of talking, one of our phones start to ring, “Oh I’m so sorry dear, that is mine!” She chuckles “it’s Dan.” She says softly as she answers the phone“ Hi honey, oh I’m sorry I got distracted talking to my lovely friend Adaline! Yes, yes I’ll be heading that way! No, I’m okay with walking. You know I love this city and enjoy walking. Okay, I will see you soon. I love you too, bye bye.” She puts her phone in her purse with a soft sigh and grabs a napkin and pin. She scribbles on the napkin and hands it to me.“ Well dear, I hate to cut our time together, but I’ve been summoned home. Apparently, my husband forgot how to grab his keys on his way out the door. So here is my number. Please call me. I would love to sit and talk with you again. I enjoyed it!” She says genuinely and with a smile. "It’s okay this was nice, enjoy your day and yes, I would like that too.” I say softly, she stands up and lays the money on the table, then turns and walks away in no hurry. I glance at the clock. It’s just now turning ten am, I stand and lay more money on the table and walk out the of the gated patio and back towards my apartment. I don’t rush, I don’t think I just watch and listen to everything around me. For once my mind is calm, I feel light like the weight I’ve been carrying on my shoulders isn’t so heavy anymore, as if May rebuilt the dam with her magic but made it stronger and taller than before. I walked into my apartment and shut the door with a click before making my way upstairs to shower in silence. I quickly shower and get dressed in black business slacks and a white button-up blouse, yank a brush through my hair, and then I slip my black heels on. I stared at my reflection once more before turning and heading to the door to go meet with Mr. Miller. I grab my purse and keys before heading out the door for the second time today. I get to the street and grab a cab, I ramble the address off and sit back and just stare out the window. I don’t think I just watch, calm and ready for whatever is about to happen. I got this. My dam is built stronger and taller. I can handle this. Not like I really knew my mother anyway.

The cab came to a stop in front of an older brown building. I give him money as I climbed out and shut the door. I stare up at the building way longer than any normal person would. I finally got the nerve and walked inside and up to the front desk, “Hi, I have an appointment with Mr. Miller at one.” “Name?” The lady says with a smack of her gum and without even looking at me. “Uh Ms. Walker.” “Okay, have a seat, he will come grab you in a moment.” She says as she types on her keyboard again, not even glancing at me. “Yeah, okay thanks”, I mutter as I turn and take a seat. I grab my phone and decide to save May’s number, just in-case and I pull it out of the back of my phone case. I haven’t decided if I’ll ever take her up on the offer of meeting again, even though I’d enjoy it. I don’t know how I'll feel, if I’ll feel judged or if it’ll be different than the first time we talked. Or if it is the exact same, so open and easy. I sigh and sit back deeper into the seat and stare out onto the street. My mind wonders what my mother could have possibly left me in her will. Probably debt, is that even possible? To leave your only child debt? Am I her only child? “Ms. Walker” the voice says, cutting off my train of thought before it got any worse. The voice I’ve only ever heard over the phone. I stood up and made my way towards the short bald man. And I followed him into his office.