Here I Am

Chapter 1

Chapter 1Toby

It’s been a few days since Franklin and Kai kissed at the bar. I don’t know if kissing is all they’ve been doing, but I desperately hope that’s where it ended. My heart stings whenever I picture them doing anything else—just watching them kiss was painful enough.

I’ve tried to find out what’s going on between them. On the day after, when I was losing my mind and didn’t know what else to do, I texted Sebastian to ask if he knew what was happening between Franklin and Kai.

Sebastian: Hang on

Five minutes later, he added,

Sebastian: Franklin says he and Kai are having fun.

My stomach twisted when those words appeared on my screen and yet, I kept reading them over and over again. What does that even mean? God, I hope they’re not having s*x. The idea kept me up all night, and I still don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to know.

I’m angry at Kai, even though I have no right to be. I messed it up by missing what was right in front of me, even though Kai practically shoved it in my face. Before getting involved with Franklin, there were two times when Kai kissed me throughout the years, once after he told me he loved me. And still, I was too stubborn to see it, too preoccupied with my own issues to figure it out. And now I’m too late. I missed my chance with him, and I can only blame myself for that.

At least we’re still friends. It didn’t take me long to decide that I still want him in my life. Not just because I need him but also because I don’t trust Franklin. And this is why, for the second time this week, I’m going to visit Kai at the wine bar where he works. It’s not something I have to discuss first; Kai is used to me showing up at his job before peak hours. That’s how things are between us: I show up at his work unannounced, and he shows up at my apartment when he wants to. I’ve never thought much of it—we’re friends, after all—but lately, I’ve come to appreciate what I have, and this bond between us is something I don’t want to lose.

* * * *

As I suspected, he’s not surprised to see me once I arrive, but he doesn’t look happy either. Kai works at Sarina’s, a wine bar named after the owner’s daughter. On this night, we’re alone in the cluttered back room, the mess around us mirroring the whirlwind in my mind. I know that the owner, Albert, cares deeply about his bar and the people who work and drink here. But this backroom? It’s another story entirely.

“Are you okay?” I ask Kai. It’s not just a question out of common courtesy—I need to know.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Kai replies, hardly convincing. The smile he flashes is brief and doesn’t meet his eyes. It sends waves of concern rushing through me, paired with stings of anger directed at Franklin because the first thought that occurs to me is that he hurt Kai in some way.

“Did Franklin do something?” I ask, concern ringing through my voice, and my hands tightly balled into trembling fists.

“No, I’m just having a rough day. And, sorry, but you being here doesn’t help. I can’t explain it, but it just…doesn’t. Maybe we can meet up tomorrow?”

“Yes, of course,” I reply straight away because I’ll meet with him whenever he wants. It’s just that I can’t leave knowing he’s like this. “But you’re worrying me. Just tell me what’s going on, and I’ll go.”

He doesn’t reply, only gives me a light headshake. The sadness in his eyes makes me want to put my arms around him and pull him into a hug, but I don’t give in to the urge.

In front of me, his jaw clenches and unclenches, and his eyes dart to the door behind me, adding to my concern. “Kai, what is it?”

“It’s probably best if you don’t ask. You should leave before I get in trouble for slacking off, okay?”

There’s no subtlety to his request; he wants me to go. And I should give him what he wants, but I strangely can’t. My feet are rooted to the ground, everything about this situation screaming at me that something’s wrong. The fact that he won’t tell me what is driving me insane.

I search his eyes for signs, for anything underlying, but he barely meets my gaze. “Kai…” I begin, the words stuck in my throat, the desperation inside me only growing. I can see he’s hurting, and I can’t just stand here and do nothing.

Before I allow myself to think it through, I’m rushing forward, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him close. I hug him tightly in a way that I haven’t done for a long time, and suddenly, I can’t remember why I didn’t do this sooner, even though it’s secretly not enough for me anymore.

Suddenly finding himself pushed up against me, Kai lets out a soft sound of surprise, his hands hovering mid-air as I hug him. “Toby…” he says, tones of protest sounding through his voice, and for a moment, I think he’ll push me away. But then, to my surprise, his body relaxes, and he places his arms around me.

My thoughts clear for a moment, but my treacherous mind doesn’t give me peace for long. With my arms wrapped around his narrow frame, I feel huge, and not in a good way. My injury prevents me from working out. I’ve gained a lot of weight, and I’m not in the same shape I was when I was twenty. Whereas he…well, he’s fit, young, and more attractive than I think he knows. He could have just about anyone he wanted. Which, apparently, is Franklin.

Uncertainty starts to fill me. I didn’t think this through. What’s going through his mind? Is he grossed out or surprised by the differences between our bodies? Or between my body and Franklin’s?

I look for signs, but all I hear is a deep, slow exhale. He wraps his arms around me, burying his face in the crook of my neck, and even lets out a soft moan. All in all, I must say, he doesn’t seem grossed out at all. If anything, he seems content. It makes me want to stay this way forever.

Maybe before this, I was telling myself that he was the one who needed this hug, but as it turns out, I’m the one who needs it.

“I miss you,” I hear myself confess. It’s a strange thing to say: Kai and I see each other all the time. But the truth is, I miss having him in a different way. One that I never had and probably never will either.

“I miss you, too,” he replies instantly, and the answer surprises me.

“Do you? Just now, you said that me being here doesn’t help?”

“That’s something different. Can’t explain it.” His voice sounds muffled, his face pressed into my shoulder.

He buries himself into the hug, convincing me he needs this, too. I ball the back of his button-up shirt in my hand, grabbing it to keep myself from grabbing him—in a way that’s probably considered too friendly.

I don’t know how long we’re standing there just hugging, but one thing I do know is that he’s the one who will have to break the hug. After what feels like a long time, he does, pulling his arms back, moving away from me, and I have to keep myself from stopping him. But I feel a little calmer, and he looks more at ease, too.

“You’d tell me if Franklin was hurting you, right?”

“He’s not hurting me,” Kai replies. “I mean, he’s not exactly a sweetheart, but he’s not hurting me.”

I grind my teeth, pressing down my anger because, God, Kai deserves better than him.

“But you will tell me if something’s wrong?”

“Sure, Toby,” he says too quickly, his smile too faint. “Now get out of here, okay? Thanks for checking up on me.”

I nod, reluctant, and flash him a fake smile of my own. Deep down, I don’t want to go—not until I know what’s really wrong with him. But, at some point, I’m going to have to admit that certain parts of his life are no longer my business. I wonder if there will ever be a day I’ll be capable of doing that.