Here I Am

Chapter 2

Chapter 2Kai

Toby still doesn’t understand. It’s been days, and he still doesn’t understand…I don’t know if or how I can make him see that he’s the reason why I’m hurting, and it doesn’t help that he keeps pushing me for an answer.

When he asked me what was wrong, I wanted to shout, “You, you i***t! You’re what’s wrong. The only reason I kiss Franklin, is because I can’t have you.”

And that’s what I’ve been doing: kissing Franklin because I can’t kiss the person I actually want to kiss, and preparing myself to take things further. I’m not ready to sleep with Franklin, though, because I’m not in love with him. But I must say, it’s nice to be wanted.

That is why it was so difficult when Toby told me he missed me. I half wanted to punch him, tell him to do something about it, and challenge him to prove it. But I managed to swallow those words just in time. I couldn’t keep the other truth inside, though: that I miss him, too.

When he pulled me into a hug without warning, I freaked out at first. It was yet a new challenge for me to keep myself in check. When he’s close like that, I just want to grab him and kiss him, using my mouth in a different way to teach him how I feel—how I felt for six years now. But I can’t just keep randomly kissing him. I’ve kissed him in the past, and that did nothing. There’s going to be a time when he’ll get sick of me kissing him without asking.

But, f**k…I love it when he hugs me. He doesn’t do it often and when he does, I feel so safe, so in place, like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Even though there’s nothing romantic about it, and although I have to keep my hands from caressing his back in a way that is romantic, I love it when he hugs me. Maybe I should start pretending to be sad, so he’ll do it more often? But then again…I won’t have to pretend. It’s just no use.

* * * *

I know Franklin wants more with me. He would have slept with me the first night if I let him, but I couldn’t. Something just stopped me. It could have been my feelings for Toby, the fact that I don’t trust Franklin, or a combination of the two.

Even now, the thought of Franklin makes my stomach churn—and not in a good way. There’s something about him that doesn’t sit right, something I’ve tried to ignore but can’t anymore. Maybe it’s the way he always seems to push just a little too hard, testing boundaries I’m not ready to cross. Or maybe it’s the way he acts like he knows me better than I know myself, as if he can see through every layer of me and manipulate it to his advantage.

I let out a deep sigh, running a hand over my hair in a futile attempt at a mental reset. Whatever Franklin is or isn’t, I can’t think about it right now. I need to get to work, or else Albert or his daughter Sarina—my colleague—will reprimand me for slacking off, which is precisely what I’ve been doing. They don’t know what I’m going through because I haven’t told them.

I’m having trouble focusing lately, another thing that’s Toby’s fault. At some point, though, I will have to stop blaming him for everything that’s missing in my life. Maybe someday, I’ll be able to get over him. It looks like, eventually, I’m going to have to…

I struggle through my shift. Luckily, it’s a quiet day, which allows me to do some tidying up and administration. I like working with numbers because numbers don’t judge. That’s something I always say. Numbers have unknowingly helped me through quite a bit of pain and heartbreak over the years, functioning as a distraction, and the same applies today.

Time passes relatively quickly, thank God, but when I leave at what can be considered quite early—ten P.M.—I’m immediately met with reality. Franklin’s texting me.

Franklin: Hey, can I come over?

I sigh at my phone, impossible for him to see, and shake my head.

Kai: Not today, okay? It’s been a rough day. How about tomorrow?

Just as I send the message, it occurs to me that I asked Toby to meet up tomorrow, too. Well, it’s my day off; maybe I can meet up with both at separate times.

I shove the thought down because, right now, I can’t deal with it. I’m sad, and I just want to go home. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to face one of them or both, and if not…that’s a problem for later.