Here I Am

Chapter 3

Chapter 3Toby

It’s Monday, and I’m at the funeral home where I work. My job here is as an operator, which is something that often surprises people when I tell them about it. Whenever it comes up in conversation, the reactions are almost always the same—people asking things like, “Isn’t working there depressing?” and “Don’t you hate being surrounded by death all the time?” but the answer is always the same: It isn’t, and I don’t.

What makes all the difference for me is that I have already come close to death once in my life. Even though thinking back to that experience makes my stomach turn, it has made me more comfortable with the topic of death. Working here gives me a sense of purpose, and I like to think that because of what I faced, I can help others process their loss. And on top of that, I know what it’s like to lose family.

I first came into contact with this company when my grandma, the only family member I had, died at the age of eighty-eight. I was twenty-two when she died, and I hadn’t given much thought to my career. I only wanted to be happy and feel comfortable with who I am, along with finding a job that allowed me to do something right for the world.

My grandmother was the only relative I had. She raised me because my mother was too young and irresponsible to take care of me, and my father was out of the picture. When my grandmother died, mere months before I had my own near-death experience, it felt like I was all alone, left to fend for myself. It’s something I hope to help others with now, because, sadly, I can truly relate.

It took me a near-death experience—and a conversation with a woman named Maureen, who is now my colleague—to spark my interest in this line of work. I suppose that’s the only good thing that came from losing my grandma and nearly dying. In this line of work, I can use my unique perspective on the world to help.

The hours are more than doable: nine to five, and, usually, time here goes by relatively quickly. But not today…Today, I’m especially looking forward to the end of my shift. It’s Kai’s day off, which usually means we meet up early in the evening to hang out—just have dinner or watch movies together. It’s all the more important to me now because I know, just from seeing him, that he’s not doing well. I want to use this evening to figure out what’s wrong with him and hopefully help somehow. I owe him that much.

There were plenty of occasions when he helped me. For instance, when I was recovering from my injury. I was too much of a mess to be able to appreciate him then, but I do now. And I’ll keep being there for him, trying to help him, make him feel better for as long as he lets me—even though he has Franklin for that now. But that bastard is reason enough for me to keep checking up on Kai. I don’t know him that well, but something tells me he cannot be trusted.

The idea of seeing Kai tonight and being together like old times, brings a smile to my face. My smiles have been rare since the night Kai and Franklin kissed, and I think my colleagues are starting to notice something’s wrong. They ask me if I’m okay several times a day. That’s another typical thing about working at a funeral home: people are usually good at picking up emotions. I’m pretty sure they already know it’s a lie when I tell them I’m doing fine.

* * * *

Maybe tonight, if I feel brave enough, I can tell Kai how I feel. Even though I expect the chances of him wanting me are slim, at least he’d know, and it will be up to him to decide what to do with it. Because I don’t want it to be a secret anymore.

With the possibilities swirling through my mind, I grab my phone from the desk, my thumb flying over the screen as I type out a text to him.

15.57 Toby: Hey, want to meet up later?

15.57 Toby: You’ve got the day off today, right?

I hit send and stare at the message, willing those three little dots to appear. Kai usually responds quickly—it’s one of the many things I love about him. It’s what makes him feel like family. We’re always there for each other, finding small ways to show we care, always showing up when it counts. Or at least…that’s what Kai does.

I thought I was doing the same, but now I’m not so sure. I also thought I didn’t have feelings for him—thought I could keep things simple, easy, unexamined. And I was wrong about that, too.

What else have I been blind to? What other truths have slipped past me while I wasn’t paying attention?

Minutes pass as I’m staring at my phone, waiting for a reply while completely ignoring my work, but…Nothing. Not even the courtesy of a delivered notification. My muscles tense, and my brow furrows as a bad feeling rises inside of me.

16.07 Toby: Hello?

16.12 Toby:??

16.15 Toby: Why aren’t you answering?

When my messages remain unread, my discomfort increases. The last time Kai and I spoke, he looked me straight in the eye and told me Franklin wasn’t hurting him. I believed him then, but what if it was a lie? Or what if something happened in the meantime? And what if it did, and I’m too late?

A nauseous feeling rises from my stomach, and before I know it, I’m dialing his number, praying to the universe that he will pick up. But it rings. And rings. And rings, until it goes to voicemail.

“Kai!” I shout into the phone, causing my colleague Maureen to jump at her desk and look at me, surprised. I quickly lower my voice. “Kai, what’s going on? I texted you but you’re not replying. Please just give me a call, or answer your texts, okay? I want to meet up.”

I hang up the call but don’t put my phone down. Maybe I would have been able to if I wasn’t so worried. Instead, I send him yet another text.

16.19 Toby: Or picking up your phone?

16:23 Toby: You’re making me look like a stalker.

16.23 Toby: The creepy kind.

He’s probably fine, I try to tell myself. He probably just forgot to charge his phone or left it on silent. But no matter how many times I tell myself this, it doesn’t help. Because I know it’s not like him.

16:27 Toby: I’m getting worried now.

16:30 Toby: Kai, seriously…

16:35 Toby: I don’t like this. Text me back or I’m coming over.

16:37 Toby: You’re really going to make me leave work early?

16:39 Toby: Okay, fine. Have it your way. I’m coming over.

With every muscle tensed, I grab my bag off the floor and fling it over my shoulder. I can barely think straight. What if something’s wrong? The thought keeps looping in my head, and no amount of rationalizing seems to stop it.

My phone buzzes, and my heart leaps. I snatch it up, hoping—praying—it’s him.

It’s not—just a silly cat meme from Sebastian. Don’t get me wrong; I like it when Sebastian sends memes, and I love cats—I have two myself—but at the moment, his messages can’t interest me.

“Not now,” I snap louder than I meant to, shoving the phone back into my pocket and causing Maureen to look at me again.

“Sorry, I have to leave a little early today. I’m really worried something’s wrong with my friend. I…I will make up for it tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” Maureen says, frowning at me and recognizing on my face that I’m not in the mood for any more chitchat. “Good luck.”

My coat is in my hand before I realize it, and I’m halfway out the door before I can talk myself down, or before I’ve even replied to Maureen.

I’ve got to get to Kai. Right now.