Here I Am

Chapter 5

Chapter 5Toby

I’m practically jogging down the sidewalk, my breath coming in short, uneven bursts. My body is already telling me I will feel the consequences of this later: the signs of protest coming from my back are undeniable. Still, I push through.

It’s very likely that I’m overreacting, that Kai will laugh at me when he sees me panting at his doorstep, but I will take that chance. The ominous feeling in my stomach prevents me from slowing down. If it turns out that I’m worried over nothing, I’ll happily laugh about it with him later, once I know that he’s okay.

When I left the office, I didn’t even bother grabbing my scarf, which is still hanging on the coat rack. The cold air bites at my face and hands, but I barely notice. My thoughts are too loud, drowning out everything else. The streets blur around me. It’s the rush hour; cars pass by, and people hurry in a haze of motion, but none of it feels real. My eyes keep darting to my phone, clutched tightly in my hand, as if the screen might suddenly light up with his name. But it doesn’t.

“Come on, Kai,” I mutter under my breath. “Just text me. Just…something.”

Nothing. I grip my phone harder, almost tempted to call him again, but I already know how that’ll end. More ringing. More silence.

The closer I get to his building, the tighter the knot in my stomach becomes. I’m walking as fast as I can, and it still doesn’t feel fast enough. My mind won’t stop spinning.

What if he’s passed out? What if he’s sick? Or worse…

I shake my head, trying to push the thought away, but it clings to me like a shadow. Why did I let him get involved with a bastard like Franklin, I ask myself, shaking my head in the process. But the answer comes to me quickly: Because you don’t get to decide who he hangs out with. Right…Just because I want him to myself doesn’t mean I can claim him, and the fact that he’s the only person who’s been around for most of my life doesn’t mean he’s mine. Unfortunately.

Up until now, I’ve been walking as fast as I can, but when a disturbing thought occurs to me, I stop dead in my tracks, the force of my realization knocking the air out of me with brute force. My sudden halting causes the person behind me to almost bump into me. Just in time, they manage to alter their path to go around me, but as they pass, they still glare at me, taking their precious time away from their phone for a whole of five seconds. I barely notice it; I forget them the instant they walk by. My mind is stuck on something else, occupying every last bit of headspace I had left.

What if the reason Kai’s not replying is because he’s having s*x? He has something of a boyfriend now, after all, although I pray that he and Franklin aren’t close enough to be called that. What if they’re getting physical? If I go to Kai’s place, what will I walk in on? Is that why he isn’t responding? I can’t expect him to immediately reply to my calls or texts; I’m just his friend. If I wanted more, I should have made him my…my boyfriend. I swallow hard. That’s what I should have done or tried to do, at least.

My fist trembles, but not from the cold. What do I do? On the one hand, the idea of being confronted with even a hint of Kai and Franklin sleeping together makes me want to run in a different direction, but then again…I want nothing more than to know Kai’s okay. There’s this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that kept growing even before my jealousy started popping up. I have to listen to it. If it turns out something’s wrong, and I have ignored this feeling, I will never forgive myself.

That’s settled then: I’m going over there at the risk of my own sanity. I’ll just have to listen at the door and hope nothing intimate is going on inside.

My pace quickens, my feet pounding against the pavement. By the time his building comes into view, my heart is racing. I march straight to the front entrance, my pulse thudding in my ears. Even though my delay was only short, it feels like I’ve lost even more valuable time. Kai needs me…I think.

Without further thought, my hand reaches into my pocket, taking out the spare key to Kai’s apartment. He gave that to me last year as a precaution, but I’ve never needed it before today.

Once inside, I take the stairs two at a time. I can’t help imagining him, afraid or in pain, waiting for someone to find him. Waiting for me to get here.

When I stand in front of the door, I listen for any sounds. Any indication of someone inside, a voice, music, just something. But the place is dead silent.

“Kai,” I whisper to myself, more a prayer than anything else.

Almost automatically, my hand goes to the key, the cold metal biting into my fingers as I fumble to fit it into the lock. It hurts and my hands are trembling, preventing me from opening the door as quickly as I believe is needed. For f***s sake, Toby, I think to myself. Do something right for once in your life.

My thoughts are a chaotic mess—half frustration, half raw fear.

Please, please let him be okay.