Remembering Lily

No Need For Apologies

This wasn't part of my plan. Adam is not part of my plan either but certain things are really beyond my control.

So, when he said I can tour around town with him, I knew I should say no and there was more than one reason not to. However, I found myself wanting to say yes.

While I was preparing for this day, a lot of things came to my mind. I wonder why a part of me was feeling guilty. Even when I was picking something to wear, when I was fixing my hair and when I was putting on my makeup. I think I stared at the mirror longer than I usually would. This story... I have no idea what I was doing. I don't know if I'm doing anything right or if I'm even supposed to do something right. I was just doing these because a part of me wants to. Will I regret this later? Was I distracted already?

I sighed. I have no idea.

I was trying not to think about the answer and ignore it but deep inside, I knew exactly why. It felt like a date. I feel like I was going on a date with a man who was not my husband. It felt like cheating. Despite the fact that he is already married to another woman and that I am basically another person. It still feels like a sin which is why I am hesitant about everything.

"So, do you know any place where we can go?" Adam looks so fresh. He wasn't dressed to impress but he was rocking the casual look effortlessly. He had that certain aura about him, like he didn't have to try so hard and he doesn't necessarily need to.

I looked outside, at the beautiful and peaceful surroundings. I was surprised to see a sunny sky. It was normal, of course, but because of the times, I got rained on, being outside with someone on a sunny day felt new. There were rainy but there were also sunny days… yet all I noticed were the gloomy times.

"Want to just drive around?" I asked and he nodded.

"Did you grow up here?" He asked me.

It was an easy question. The answer has always been yes but I wasn't myself. I'm playing a role that is not myself. I had to look away before I answered because weirdly enough, it was harder to lie today. "No… I just had friends who grew up here."

"Really?"

"Yeah. They were good friends."

"Still keeping in touch with them?"

"Yeah. I kept in touch with one of them."

"One of them? What about the others?"

Why does it feel like I'm really talking about another person? Like I'm not talking about me anymore. Have I really let go of my past self? Suddenly, I find myself wondering if there's no chance I would get it back, just like that. All of it.

"There's just one friend. She died." I looked straight into Adam's eyes. Hoping he would feel that I was and probably still, grieving. "We had the same name… Lily."

Silence filled the car. For sure, I made him feel uncomfortable talking about death. If this is a date, who the heck talks about death on a first date? He probably wasn't expecting that but I can't help it.

"I'm sorry." I really was sorry for making him feel uneasy. It was not my intention. I didn't even intend to talk about my past life but maybe he was just someone I can trust easily. "It's quite a heavy topic. I shouldn't be making you feel uncomfortable."

It must be the timing but when I looked out the window, we were near the bridge at the Tukma river.

The car slowed down until we stopped. I was confused but Adam was smiling a little at me, encouraging me, or something like that.

"Would you like to get some fresh air?"

"Huh?" Why is he suddenly talking about fresh air? Aren't we going to drive around town?

Adam removed his seatbelt and turned off the car engine. I am still confused but I followed him. There was this area beside the river where cars could stop and rest. It's not usually used that way. Maybe because people here are already used to this view.

It's so peaceful. The birds were chirping, the trees were slowly swaying with the breeze. He was right indeed, this is fresh air. I inhaled that air and unlike the last time I stopped here, the fear was already gone. There's just peace here.

"You shouldn't be sorry."

"W-what?" I was taken aback when Adam spoke. He wasn't looking at me but at the river below. His hands holding the barricade. I noticed how hard he was gripping it and was worried that he would get hurt but he looked like he didn't mind... or maybe he didn't just noticed.

I was about to warn him about it but he spoke again.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Lily." He looked at me with eyes full of sincerity and tears. When a tear dropped, he wiped it immediately but some more dropped from his eyes.

I was caught aback but not to the point of a surprise really. I have always known there was something about Adam but I just couldn't point out what it could be. Not until today. Now that I'm seeing him cry silently, not sobbing but with immeasurable amount of pain, I know. He is broken as well. I just had no idea he was hurt this much. He didn't even have to say a lot but I can already take the hint.

"There's nothing to be sorry about losing someone. Oh, maybe there is… to that person, to ourselves."

He was opening up to me and instead of walking away, I moved closer. I am not really sure what to say but I could only hope that my presence could help. For him to know that he may feel sad but he is not alone.

"I lost someone once too…" I could barely hear his words. He struggles to say the words. "She was just gone. Just like that. I wasn't even able to say goodbye."

He was opening up to me. I felt sorry that I still couldn't think of something to say but as he said, there's nothing to be sorry about. I just looked in his eyes so he would know I'm still listening and I am still willing to listen.

"She is the reason why I'm here."

"Did she live here?" I asked, wondering if I knew that person but he just shook his head.

"No," he answered and then looked me straight in the eyes. "But she died here."

I wanted to say something but I was at a loss for words. I already guessed that she is dead but I am still surprised now that I'm hearing him say it.

He was this jolly person I don't know so well and then coming here, he turned into someone full of secrets… or maybe it's just pain and stories.

"She jumped here on this bridge."

I gasped but thankfully, I didn't make any sound. I didn't want to make the situation awkward.

"I'm sorry. I wish there's something better I could say, Adam but in a way, I understand." I tried to sympathize after his story sank in. I'm in no position to judge and in fact, I'm not. Maybe I was connecting to this person? I wish I knew what she was thinking and what happened at that exact moment. If we had the same experience underwater. I wanted to live and she didn't... "I'm sorry I don't know about this story as well…"

This is a small place and I'm sure if people knew, they'd talk about it but I could not recall a story about this.

"She didn't die here exactly. I was able to find her and I was hoping I could save her but it was already too late. She died in my arms."

I don't know why but I could sympathize with the dead girl. I didn't even hear her name and all I knew was that she died here but we had something in common… this river. Even if she willingly jumped, I know she was struggling. If anyone knew, it would be me.

This is not a nice thought but I'm glad Adam was able to get her. At least, with her final breath, she wasn't alone. She knew she meant something to someone. It's so hard not to feel jealous and it just made me feel worse that I felt that towards a dead girl. Wow, I'm the worst.

"I'm sorry, I'm telling you a sad story out of the blue."

I laughed at what he said. "Don't worry, I did it first."

He smiled at me but it was a smile that didn't reach his eyes. He still looked wounded and sad. 

"It's just that Lily…" he says. "She looks so much like you."