Remembering Lily

Nightmare in Disguise

And I was drowning. I kept on drowning. I tried to scream and so I did but I heard nothing. I tried to move but it was hard. I was reaching for something and I don’t know what that could be but it was hard to reach… the farther I went down, the more I realized that I could never reach it. Whatever it was I was aiming for...

I cried and I felt so hopeless. I know there was no chance but I was still feeling hopeful. I was hoping for someone to notice me. It would be a miracle but I was praying Yohan would notice and that he would see I was struggling. That this time, he wouldn't look the other way and just wait for me to be okay...

I couldn’t describe the happiness I felt when I saw a silhouette. Finally… someone finally saw me.

“Help!” I tried to scream with all my might. Hoping the person could hear me. It was difficult to see but I’m certain someone saw me. “Help me! Somebody, help me!” I cried even more.

But the silhouette remained standing where it is…. Not even moving.

Not even caring as I continually drowned.

How could someone do this? How can someone be this cruel?

I’m certain that that person saw me struggling. Are they enjoying looking at me helpless?

“Help! Help!” I screamed for help with what was left of my strength and my voice. Miraculously, I could hear my voice now.

“Lily…. Lily… Are you okay?”

I was trying to reach for something. I could finally breathe but I was still drowning in my own tears and sweat as panic rushed through my system. I was still crying for help.

“Lily… Shhh… it’s fine. You’re fine. Everything is okay…” Blake was hugging me and I cried in her arms as I was recovering from the recent surge of emotions. I thought I was over with this part but the nightmares are back again.

"Are you okay?" She handed me a cup of water.

I was just staring into thin air, the scene in my dreams repeatedly playing in my head. Thankfully, I was not alone because if I was, then I would just feel worse than I am.

I try to be strong and independent but during these times, there's nothing I can do. It's like I return from weakness and there's nothing I could do.

"Are your nightmares back?" There was tenderness in her tone. I guess she is asking about the past nightmares I've had when I was living with her.

I nodded. "It's almost the same as before but this time… I don't know but I feel more helpless."

"What do you mean?"

"Like… I know someone can see me but I was just left to... to die."

I used to think that death has left me fearless. I have already lost everything I have and I own. It was already rock bottom and I could not imagine feeling worse but here I am, still trying to battle my fears and it's hard because it has no face. Stephanie is just an enemy but I feel most scared of my own demons.

"I don't really want to tell you this Lily because I know how determined you are and how much you love Yohan but this… I'd take this as a sign for me to remind you that you can choose to live this life differently. It's really hard to see you struggling and now this.. Even when you try to deny it, you are struggling in ways that can be solved by walking away. I'm not saying you should. Only you can do that but... but Lily, please, listen to yourself, to your cries."

I want to answer Blake immediately like I always do. I want to fearlessly defend myself and my plans but I was caught tongue-tied with my fears that all I could do was wrap the blanket around me tighter because I was feeling cold.

God, I feel so cold.

"Hi." I had to blink a couple of times to check if I wasn't dreaming. "I heard you're sick."

"Y-yeah," I just answered confused as to why Adam was standing outside of my door. I called off from work today because, after the terrible nightmare, I woke up with a terrible headache and nightmare too. I have no idea why these things are happening to me. Bad things just happen after another.

"Why are you here?"

"I brought fruits." He then showed me the basketful of fruits he brought. That simple gesture made me laugh like he always does.

"I'm fine now but thank you." I looked inside the house quickly. "Would you like to go inside?"

He nodded and I already said it so I had no choice but to let him in. To be honest, though, I wouldn't like anyone to disturb me right now. I always faced things alone. Even when I was with Yohan, I'd still like to fix my problems on my own. But Adam remained standing on the door and I had no idea what to tell him aside from inviting him in.

"Fruits?" I smiled, offering him the same fruits he brought. "I wish I could offer something else. Sorry, I wasn't able to do groceries yet."

He waved his hands politely. "No, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I was just worried. That's all."

"I seem pathetic, don't I?" If only he told me he'd be coming, then I could've worn better clothes or prepared food but here I am, looking like a mess. I just can't pretend I was okay so maybe it is a defense mechanism to pass it through humor. "I haven't even cleaned the house."

"Lily, the only thing that you need to worry about is yourself. Please, have a seat and be comfortable at your own home."

He sounded like it was his house and I'm the one visiting him. I didn't know Adam had this side.

"How did you know where I live?" I suddenly remembered that he didn't know where I was living. Oh dear, did he stalk me? Did I just freaking invite a stalker inside my place?

He waved his hands again, this time, more aggressively. "Oh, no. I asked Maria where you live. She was sort of worried too because she mentioned you live alone and what if you haven't eaten yet. I should've brought more food."

"No, no. I can do that now. Thank you for worrying still. You and Maria."

I calmed down a bit. I hope the panic on my face was not that evident.

"Uhm, no need to worry. It was just a fever. Nothing scary. I don't think I'd be dying anytime soon." I started to peel one of the oranges while trying to remember if I have eaten anything today since I went home from Blake's house. This could be one of the reasons why I always get sick. I should have better-eating habits. "Thank you for the food again. I'll go back to work tomorrow so, all is well."

His lips suddenly curved into a smile while looking at me like I said something fascinating. "What?" I asked, munching on the oranges.

"Tomorrow is Saturday, Lily. I don't think you should go to work."

"Oh. I didn't realize that." I must've lost my sense of time again. I'm so out of focus.

"But if you don't have anything to do, I'd like to tour around the town with you."