Remembering Lily

Paintings on the Wall

All eyes were on me, even Stephanie's. If a stare can burn, then my whole body is probably now on a blazing fire. They are probably thinking how could I, a mere stranger, disturb a peaceful birthday meal and allow the mention of the dead wife's name twice.

I took a sip of the glass of water. Letting the awkward silence stay a little longer for a quick moment of light t*****e.

I love my dear husband but I want him to think of me more and if this is the way to do it, then I'm sorry but I have to. Okay, I admit, I also want to. Seeing Steph panicking and not knowing what to do with hands slightly shaking is just a bonus on top. There's probably wrong with me. Did death turn me into a sadist? Old Lily would hate that idea but I like what I'm seeing.

I had to remind myself, it's not revenge I want. I don't want Yohan to hate me. I want him to love me. He still does, I reminded myself and he needs a bit of reminding too and that's exactly what I'm doing. They say you couldn't appreciate the things that are right in front of you and he needs to be reminded of what he has lost before I come back. We belong to each other.

Remember how you love it when I bake for you?

Remember our sweet memories?

Remember me, sweetie?

Now, come back to me and I'll love you like I always do. 

"Yes," I gave dear old John a smile. He wasn't the friendliest but I always admired his frankness and being carefree. God knows I need those values. "I believe Lily learned it from me."

I learned it from a friend. That's what I told Yohan and the family back then. It was Melanie but I know he doesn't remember the name. Every time I make it, he would always ask me where I got the recipe and he would always forget until he stopped asking.

He loved my baking until he didn't care. 

Dear husband, you took me for granted.

I did not add more to what I said. They are thinking, maybe reminiscing and better, remembering who Lily was. Lily, the ex-wife who married the man who forgot her too easily. They are probably feeling sorry for my poor soul having to witness all this s**t from after-life. Wouldn't that be better if I take a seat from heaven, hell, or wherever after-life would take me? Unfortunately, I'm here right in front of everybody seeing all the mess in real-time with my very own new pair of eyes.

I'm not that harsh anyway. I am... or was, after all, a beloved family member. It's Olivia's birthday, my second mother who treated me like her own. She deserves to celebrate it.

I smiled apologetically at Olivia. She's the only person who deserved an apology. I didn't mean to cause her any harm or negativity but no plan is perfect. She's seating beside me which makes it easier to say sorry. "Sorry, did I mess up your birthday?"

Everyone was busy chatting. It's almost hard to keep a conversation with a single topic for more than thirty seconds. It was all little chit-chats, people talking to their left, to their right, and to the person in front of them.

"No, not at all. I treated Lily like my own daughter. I also don't want her to think, wherever she could be right now, bless her soul. I don't want to think of her name as anything negative."

I leaned back feeling the sincerity of Olivia, my second mom... Probably the only person in the room who still cares for what the dead could hear. It was hard not to cry and this was the first time someone has said this to me about me. Caring is hard to fake and I just know that what she is saying is true because you don't waste time trying to please a soul. Only those who don't forget care and those who care do not forget.

Instead of sobbing and ruining the moment. I smiled at her, "Would you like a piece of pie?"

I did not disturb anyone after lunch nor talked to anyone after. I tried to look entertained and preoccupied with touring inside the house. For this one, I didn't have to pretend. I was really serious with noticing almost every single detail that changed since I left.

The only thing I was focused on last time was their wedding picture. I was hysterical and not in my right mind. I know where it's placed so I avoided looking in the direction where it's at. I'm scared I would lose my mind again if I saw it the second time.

On a wall just above the sofa in the living room, an abstract painting of white and yellow painting was hanged. I wonder why I didn't see this a while ago even with its huge size.

This was a painting I bought from an exhibit a year after we got married. I loved it and I love the way it made me feel, just all sorts of positive emotions. I'd look at it with my coffee and feel at peace and energized. It was one of those things you know you had to buy. It was too much which was why I hesitated but that only for a short time.

Yohan, on the other hand, hated it. He had to pretend to like it but I know he doesn't. I was willing to give it away or just dispose of it. It was a selfish thing anyway. It's my home but it's Yohan's too. I know I had to ask so I did. He said it was okay and that he was willing to compromise.

On the opposite wall was a landscape painting of plains and hills. I see... it's still here.

If there's one thing I think he'd throw away the moment I died, I thought it's going to be this painting but he didn't.

I stared in front of the painting, trying to recall the feeling it made me feel.

"You like that painting?" Steph asked me.

"Yes," I answered simply. Standing firm with my decision not to say too much.

"I didn't know you know Lily."

"I didn't know you know her either," I answered shortly. Not wanting Steph to make a big deal out of this. I want her to think of me as a friend, after all. I need her to or everything will be harder.

I didn't answer immediately when I saw Yohan walking towards us.

Ah, what a reunion.

He wrapped his arms around Steph and I tasted sudden bitterness. He smiled at her like how he used to smile at me. I didn't want to look at the loving couple in front of me so I turned my head back to the painting.

I wish it could just swallow me and transfer me to a new happy place.  This revenge is turning into a bitter t*****e for sins I did not even commit.

"Hun, Ellie seems to like the one thing in this house I've been meaning to replace."

"I... I can't just get rid of it, Stephanie."

The tables are now quickly turned and so is my emotion. Staring at the painting, begging for a small glint of hope was working.

"Oh yeah, yeah. It's a gift from a long-lost friend."

What a shitty excuse.

I crossed my arms, my eyes locked on the painting and then to Yohan's. I smiled at him but it feels like I'm smirking. Something that says, you are hiding something. I can't help but be smug for a moment.

"Really? I like it too."

I said before saying goodbye but... why is he lying about the thing that he hated the most?

Of course, my immediate assumption was, after all, he did not forget about me.