Remembering Lily

Kisses and Apologies

I went home and was just looking at Yohan's location. I can't help but think about what could be happening. I see that they are already leaving, they are already going home.

Why is Yohan leaving somewhere? Did Stephanie go with him? Are they together right now?

That's when I saw that he was actually back at his favorite bar. Of course. I already know that he did not bring Stephanie with him. There is no way in hell that would happen.

If they are the strong couple that Stephanie claims to be, my husband would not go around some nearby bar at almost twelve in the evening because the night went great. That is just rubbish.

I immediately made my move. Changed my clothes, changed my make-up. Messed up my hair a little. He needs to know I was a bit affected. Just a little bit.

Okay, now we go grocery shopping.

He just saw me. I am sure he saw me so I immediately turned my back while continuing on my track.

"Ellie?"

I continued to walk. I heard him and he knows that face as well but for some assurance purposes, this situation needs to look like he is the one who needs to talk to me and not the other way around.

"Ellie," Yohan called again.

I turned my back to face him. I looked down, pretending I couldn't look him in the eyes.

"Yohan," I finally said, acknowledging his presence."What are you doing here?"

"Should I be the one asking that question? Are you following me?"

My mouth parted in surprise and rolled my eyes in disbelief. Is this what's going on in his head? I showed him the grocery I had just purchased. "You were the one calling me and then you're asking me if I am following you? Do you hear yourself? Does it even make sense?"

Yohan sighed while massaging his temples. His knees weakened for a second. So, he's probably a bit drunk.

There were flashes of lightning from the sky. Any moment now, it would rain.

A motorcycle suddenly swerved and rushed beside me which terrified me. I lost my balance and immediately fell on the road and then I dropped everything I was holding. 

"Crap." I picked up everything. The wind blew colder and I think it is going to rain any moment from now. Good thing I did not buy a lot. “Just when you think the night could not get any worse.”

Not soon after, Yohan was also on his knees, helping me pick up some of my stuff.

"You are wounded," I said, looking at his bleeding hands. I stared at it than at his face, looking for signs of other wounds but it seems like his hands are the only part of his body that is hurt.

It seemed like he punched someone… or something.

"Are you okay?" I asked and he immediately hid and put that hand behind him so I couldn't see.

"Are you kidding, Yohan? I saw it already. No use hiding it." I reached out for his hands so I could see the wounds up close. It looked bad and it's still bleeding. "Let's go to the hospital."

"No need. I'm fine."

“Did you punch someone?” I asked him. “Have you suddenly become some type of a gangster?”

“No,” he looked away. “Just an accident.”

“Yeah, right. Fool me but for the sake of a less stressful night, I will believe that excuse. Look at you. You are drunk and wounded. I don't think what you're saying makes sense. You are obviously not fine. C'mon."

There was a sound of thunder before droplets of water fell from the sky. Not long enough, the rain was already heavily pouring.

"You have got to be kidding me," I said under my breath. I sighed and massaged my temples.

When I looked at Yohan, he was staring at me intently. His eyes were squinting because of the rain. We are almost soaking wet in the middle of the streets.

As much as I liked his company, this is not some sort of dream date I wish to have. If anything, this is a nightmare.

"My apartment is nearby," I said before dragging him so we could get out of here.

"Here," I handed him a towel so he could dry himself. "Why does it always rain in this place? The weather used to be so unpredictable but I guess not anymore."

"You talk like you have lived here for a long time."

I got cautious with what I said. Was Yohan suddenly suspicious of me? What could be running on his head right now?

"I'll go get my kit. You stay there."

I quickly grabbed the first aid kit from the bathroom. My eyes caught the reflection on my face from the mirror. Every morning, I would wake up and remind myself that this is me and then I got used to it. I embraced it.

But today, something feels off. I had to look at myself again because of this feeling.

"No, no. She is not Lily. She is not Lily."

I immediately stopped in my tracks after hearing Yohan's voice. My heart automatically beats faster with the sound of my name.

I covered my mouth before I could let out an audible gasp.

Why is he telling himself that? Why is he saying that?

"Why are they so alike?" He almost cried. The feeling of frustration made him sound helpless.

"Here-" I smiled at him. "Is everything alright?"

I tried to sound normal. He was panicking, his pale lips visibly shaking; although parted, no sounds were heard.

Acting as if I heard nothing, I sat beside him, and before he could even do any sign of protest, I held his hands.

I held it with so much gentleness and love, just silently wishing he could receive my message of longing.

We were both seated in silence but his deep and heavy breathing were almost screams of anxiousness. I tried not to look into his eyes because I can tell that his eyes were pinned on me.

He is so quiet yet I can feel his stares, observing my every move.

"There." I finished dressing the wound but I let my hand touch his. With a moment of slight skin contact, I can hardly tell anymore if he is the more nervous one or I am.

I looked at him and I was right. He was looking at me but he did not avoid my eyes. His brown eyes were closer than ever... at least, in this lifetime.

I wanted to kiss his lips because it is only inches from mine. It is there right in front of me. We are alone. Both here in this place and in our own worlds. I slightly squeezed his hand. It was both an unconscious and conscious action. I wanted to do it but the nervousness gave me the push.

Can I kiss him?

Do I have the guts to kiss my husband?

In my eyes, he is still my husband but in the eyes of the law, he is someone else's man.

I don't think I can. I think I could but I guess, not now.

But all these inhibitions were useless when he pulled me in, his eyes closing as his face moved closer, as he kissed my lips. My lips parted in shock and it was an opportunity he took to deepen the kiss.

It took a moment for me to process.

My husband is kissing me. He is the one who kissed me.

And that moment, the times that we have spent together was slowly replaying in my mind. We weren't perfect but we were made for each other. Years later, even after my death, I still think we are puzzle pieces that fit together. Him and me. Yohan and Lily.

"I'm sorry!" He pulled away and panicked. He looks horrified and shocked. As he moved back trying to stay away from me, his back hit my table and the glass tabletop broke immediately. 

"I'm sorry!" He said once again before running away.