Remembering Lily

Black

"It's Sunday though…" I hugged his waist but he continued to move and fix his things.

"We stayed at home yesterday."

"But we also had some guests." I enjoyed having them over. They are friends, afterall but I also miss hanging out with my husband. I would like to have a simple date with him.

Yohan continues to pack some food. I sighed. I see, I'll be eating alone again.

"I cooked some for you. It's in the fridge. Reheat them later." His hand touched my cheek.

I don't want to appear clingy so I held it in. I badly want to spend time alone with him. I can even accompany him but he always asks for free time during Sunday. He told me he needs that alone time.

If I told him I need him too, then no one would win. So I just kept quiet and watched him leave the house.

I turned on the tv but nothing was going inside my head aside from loneliness. I was overthinking. I know I'm being paranoid. I know he's honest about being alone.

But would it be too much to ask me to come with him? Even just for today?

I can't believe such a memory still lies in my head. It's a tearful memory. I cried several times because of that and even right now, thinking about those times makes me sad too.

On the brighter side, this is also a memory that would be useful information.

I packed some clothes in my bag. I don't need an invitation. I'm ready to go to the beach.

When I arrived there, I wasn't exactly sure where I would find him. Even with the heat of the sun, I went early just in case it would take some time for me to find him. I probably sound like a stalker and at this point, I won't even deny it.

If that's what it takes, then so be it.

Oh, thank goodness.

I just picked the perfect spot when I arrived at the location. All I had to do was look at the left and right location and from a walking distance, I could already see Yohan enjoying his noon sun while swimming.

I can't help but be smug a little. Smirking as I enjoyed the view. This is what we missed before. I could've stayed by the seaside, enjoying some snacks and drinks and my books while snatching some glimpse at my athletic husband. That never happened but I'm alive right now, so, there's no stopping me.

I continued my plan without glancing at his direction. I wasn't a big fan of the water even before and what happened during the accident didn't help either.

I opened my book but I wasn't really reading. I made sure I picked a spot where Yohan could see me easily. I also didn't try to hide my face. Making sure the sun would do it's thing and be his guide towards me.

"Ellie?"

Bingo.

"I'm sorry?" The sun became a loyal helper again. With the glare, it became harder to see his face up close. "Oh, Yohan? I'm sorry, the sun is making me partially blind.

He laughed and even with that, I already felt like my trip here was paid. All that I was about to get would just be bonuses.

"You also like to swim?"

"Yeah," I stared at the sea that I wasn't planning to go even nearer but if I had to make sense of this character, I might go for a swim for a moment. "Who doesn't?"

I didn't have to tell him but he sat automatically at the sand a meter away from me.

"Some people don't."

I wonder if he's talking about me.

"I'm not some people." I then opened some chips I brought. I wanted to prepare a healthier, more delicious snack but that would be weird if it's just me. And even with his cooking skills, he still likes some chips. This was a safe move.

"Me too. I come here every time… I need peace."

"Really?"

The place was suddenly not as beautiful as it initially was. What did he mean by that? I was contemplating if I should ask him to elaborate.

But I am here as Ellie. Difficult as it could be, I need to ignore some things.

"The sea is so calm. I think I understand."

"And not a lot of people go here too. Such a shame, really but lucky me- I mean, lucky us."

"Lucky us," I repeated. Staring straight at the waves. "It reminds me of my childhood. My father would always bring me to the sea and my mom would take a lot of pictures of us."

Lies, lies, lies. I was wondering how far I'm willing to go. At this rate, I think I could even make the lie become the truth if we'd use a lie detector.

"You had a happy childhood?"

My father died early and my mother was the only one who raised me after that. I've seen her struggle just to make ends meet. I spent a lot of time alone because she had to work. I didn't make a lot of friends because I was always lonely. I couldn't tell a wonderful story because all I had was my mom and my sad stories. Kids don't like that.

"Yeah, just a normal and dare I say, quite a boring one too. It probably wasn't but all I could remember was smiles and sunshines." I turned to face Yohan who was closing his eyes and facing upwards. "How about you?"

I already knew the answer.

"Not the best but nothing unbearable. Just a few challenges here and there."

"Challenges?"

He nodded, "Just some financial problem and a boring story about me becoming my family's breadwinner."

"That doesn't sound boring."

He wouldn't admit it but I knew, even back then, that he is insecure. He wouldn't talk about it, not even to me which makes this harder.

"I can see how successful you are now. It wouldn't take a genius to see that. Then that would make you a great, amazing person."

His smile was genuine and sweet and sad.

"Thank you. That really means a lot."

If my hands weren't tied with a lie, I'm pretty sure I'd have hugged him.

"Those are just simple words but it really means a lot. Especially for me. I enjoyed my time here, spending it alone. But I enjoyed today, Ellie. Thank you. Feel free to come here anytime.”

A bittersweet smile was pasted on my lips. I held back my tears but my jaw tightened as I tried not to cry. I could’ve come with him before. I would say yes. But he never asked me to.

What is this feeling that he was cheating at my old self with my new character?