Divorced With My Husband And Son

Suffocation

Ava’s point of view

As Ethan and I stepped out of the restaurant, we were welcomed by a cold chill in the air. I pulled my hand out of Ethan's warm palm and wrapped my arms around myself. He halted in his step, and so did I. I faced him.

“Look, I don't know what is happening between you and Julian, but I don't want to get involved,” I could see disappointment on his face. It was a great opportunity to miss, but I'm truly not interested in any games. I will find myself a good job and lead a peaceful life with no drama.

Ethan let out a sigh. “Well__” he slipped his hand into his pocket, brought out a card, and handed it over to me. “If you happen to change your mind, you are welcome to call me. The offer still stands.” he added..

I took the card from his hand, nodding. “Sure.” For a few seconds, our eyes met, and the air became thick with unexplainable tension around us. Each second, I tried to remember where I'd seen these piercing blue eyes that seemed to peek right through my soul. There were no emotions in them, but there's this intensity beneath the facade of the stern expression.

“I will not waste any more of your time then,” he pulled me out of my thoughts. I forced a smile.

“See you around,” I muttered. With that, I started walking over to the parking lot. As I reached the car, I unlocked it, swung the door open, and stepped inside. I placed my handbag on the other side, started the engine, and drove off.

A few minutes later, I drove through the apartment parking lot. Parking the car, I grabbed my handbag, the keys, and stepped out of the car, making my way inside.

Reaching the entrance, I rang the doorbell, and a few minutes later, the door swung open. Sophie's brows lifted as her eyes landed on me, confusion all over her face.

“You came back early?” I walked past her, making my way inside, kicked my heels off my feet, tossed my handbag on the floor before I sank into the couch.

Sophie shut the door closed and walked over to me, sitting beside me on the couch. She threw me a questioning gaze.

I let out a soft sigh. “A lot has happened tonight.” I told her everything that Ethan had said, Lily’s arrival, and Julian's insults. Even right now, I didn't want to think about everything he's said. I still can't believe I've been with such a man for five years. I should have divorced him a long time ago instead of staying with a man like that.

Sophie rested her head on my shoulder, but she didn't say anything, and I was grateful that she didn't say anything.

The Next Day

I didn't even bother myself with getting out of bed. Sophie went to work for the day, and I spent the whole day in bed. I only woke up to have my breakfast, take a morning bath, and then I went back to bed. I could have used this time to search for a job or do something useful with my life, but the truth is I'm tired, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I had no strength to even do anything. Julian's words kept on ringing in my head.

“You are pathetic!”

“You are nothing without me!”

“You are the most useless person I've ever seen!”

“No one will ever want to be with a woman like you!”

“You are too thin to attract any men!”

“Get your ugly face away from me. It's too torturing to watch you all the time!”

“You are disgusting!”

His words were the only thing in my brain, and now they are slowly becoming a part of me. No matter what I want to do in life, I'd always hear those words whispering in my ears in secret, and I'd end up losing interest in anything.

I blinked back the tears that threatened to burst out of my eyes, my grip tightening around the pillow which I was hugging. My body was curled into a ball. I've been in the same position since morning, and by now, it was already evening, but I had no energy to even make dinner or do anything else. A part of me was already dead, yet I'm pushing myself to keep on living. But what am I living for?

I'm sure some of Julian’s words were true. Maybe I am pathetic, maybe I'm stupid as he had said, and maybe I don't deserve to live at all.

My mind went blank, I lost control over my emotions. I didn't even realize when I rose from the bed, but I found myself holding a bottle of pills, the lid now opened. My hands trembled as I brought the bottle to my lips. At that moment, the door swung open, and I couldn't get the chance to hide the bottle as Sophie stormed into the room.

Her eyes widened as they landed on my hand that froze in the air a few inches away from my lips.

“Ava, what the heck do you think you are doing?” She stepped into the room, grabbing the bottle from my hand. She threw it on the ground, and a loud thud echoed in the room as it fell, pills scattered on the floor.

I stood there frozen, my words were trapped in my throat. How can I say anything? How can I tell her that I'm getting overwhelmed with everything, that it's all too much for me to bear? How can she understand how I'm hurting?

I tried to act strong in front of Julian, but a heavy hollowness clung in my chest. It was too heavy and too much to bear. I can't keep watching him with another woman. I've left him, but I still love him, and I'm so ashamed of myself for even feeling this way. He doesn't even love me.

I felt hot tears trailing down my cheeks, my hand began to tremble as I stifled the sob that threatened to burst out of my throat.

“I can't do it anymore.” My knees weakened, causing me to collapse on the ground, more tears streamed down my face. “His words have found a way to become a part of me, and each and every I feel like I'm pathetic just as he said. I'm trying to be strong and put everything behind me, but his words don't want to stop ringing in my ears. I don't want to hear them.” But they kept on echoing in my head like music on the loop. I brought my hands to my ears, covering them in hopes that I wouldn't hear them, but it became even worse.

Sophie knelt in front of me, grabbing both of my shoulders. “Ava, I want you to listen to me, okay.” Her words fell into deaf ears as I burst into sobs.

No one understands this pain except me. I'm the one who's feeling it, and it's suffocating me. It was better to just end the pain and silence his words forever. I do not think I even deserve to be alive at this point.