The same story

The demons

 I don't quite remember his name but I remember how I was 10 and he was 18. He promised me the world. He said all the right words a child of a painful divorce wanted to hear. 4 years of suppressed memories come to the surface once in awhile but even now I protect myself. My dad had met an amazing woman and she brought laughter, joy, and love into my life. We moved in with her, which meant leaving our life behind to start new in Texas. 

I was going into 9th grade when my world changed again. My mental health was on track thanks to the many, MANY shrinks and therapists. I was walking home one day from school when I noticed a familiar car pulled onto our street. It was one of my dad's friends, so I ran home. He greeted me with a smile and a hug and asked, "Where's your dad?" I told him he was on his way home from work and that my step mom would be home later. It went dark, and the pain entered me again. 

At this point in my life I knew the only thing that kept me alive was the knife I snuck from the kitchen into my room to hide between the mattress and box spring. Months later and I was so sick, and one day in choir the gush of blood snuck down my legs. I was having a miscarriage. I was 14. I was only 10. Why is this all my fault. Is this love? Again, I held it from everyone because I thought this was normal or was I that scared to even get help. Then came the boy who I gave the rest of my heart to. Devin. I loved the quirky, funny, outgoing boy who made me smile and treated me like I was important. Of course being 15 we all know what boys are thinking. But I ignored it! I loved him. We had plans, a future. Then he took my heart and left me. 

I was 15 when I felt the last cold slice of a blade across my arm and the empty bottle of pain killers I took from my step-mom. From that day on I was so numb, so, dead. The light at the end of the tunnel was in my reach and I had decided my fate. I grabbed the hope I was feeling as I slipped away from the world. Then I woke up in a hospital with my arms bounded to the bed. My arms were wrapped and I felt this wave of nausea. My dad walked into the room and the pain he had on his face was too much. Why didn't it work!? Did I not take enough? Did I not cut deep enough? Little did I remember, my dad was in the next room when I tried to escape the world coming to get me for dinner. I was so f****d up. They had me on sucide watch for a year. 

I distanced myself at the new school. I felt so unworthy of friendship let alone love. Maybe I would've been better off with my mom. But then again, she was the one that sent Shannon away. What did I do to deserve this life? Will it get better? I constantly asked those questions throughout that year. I was put on antidepressants and from there I worked 10x harder to get out of school and find Devin. Little did I know, he left me for good because of what had happened. "I wish you told me your parents were home. You're such a tease." But, "I love you! Let's work this out. It's only a couple more years of school then we can be together!" Then, this message could not be sent. I was doing so well until I could feel my heart stop beating. From that day I took double my dose of medicine and it went by like a blur. 

The day finally came when I was able to transfer back to the high school I was first at to finish my credits. I graduated a year early, with 3 jobs, and I was only 17. I couldn't even end my life right so I gave up on that and just moved forward. It was the month before my birthday I remember coming home one day, with straight A's, on top of my class, ready to get my diploma was when my dad told me I needed to find a place of my own. OK! This was normal right!? It wasn't. I let my dad down so bad in the past years he didn't want me anymore. So, in the state of Texas you are legally allowed to move out and live on your own at 17. As long as your grades are good, and you have a balanced work to school ratio. Which I did. 3 jobs, I only had 2 classes to take so I was out of school by 10am. I wasn't ready but I had no choice. 

I had a guy living with me, just for s*x and money. He was loaded and I loved how his parents showered me with affection. I was again blind to what was really going on behind my back. He was sleeping with many of my friends, at least I thought they were, and racking up a $500 credit card debt and a $3,000 phone bill in my name. One night I came home and he attempted to kill me, but of course that didn't happen since I'm here writing my f****d up life story. 

My neighbor walked around the corner and little did he know how he saved me. Something in my heart flickered back to life as this tall, bearded man, towered over me. My boyfriend left the next day after he threatened my neighbor. I became so undoubtly, madly, uncontroablly in love with him. And I did everything I could to have him. I was 18 and he was 26. All I knew is each day that went by without seeing him I felt my world crumble.