Always is not Forever

The One Where I Humiliated Myself

[ A L I N A ' S P O V ]

"I don't think I can do this," I mumbled to the phone, clutching it tightly under my grip. My words seemed shaken, my hands seemed shaken. Huh, the whole of me was shaken to the core.

The white tall building sat across me with its intimidating look. The students peered in and out, some in groups others lonely like me, trying to adjust to the first day of college. College. Finally, I was in college, away from my family and learning to live on my own even if I had been doing it since a long time ago.

I closed my eyes and scolded myself for thinking about it again. It was a new start, a new place, and a new dream. It was College. All I had to do was enjoy like any other adolescent, make friends and live my life to fullest even if it meant I had to pretend about it. No more sadness, tears and the pain of the past.

"You're worrying for no reason," he said from the other side. "It isn't that bad. Just some seniors bonding with juniors."

I bit my lower lip. "You mean ragging?"

"No." He sounded reluctant. "Alina, it's not that hard. I had my first day of college yesterday and it wasn't that tough."

"It wasn't even easy. Moreover, you're in New Delhi. I'm in a new state. I'm scared. In school--"

"Which has ended," Dhruv deadpanned. "It won't be that tough. You can do it. Where is Kabir?"

I maundered my gaze around the campus for the one last time before entering the corridors and gathered my strength to face anything that comes in my way. I could do this. I had to do this.

"His lectures starts early," I whined. "I hate it. College sucks."

"Positive vibes, Alina, positive vibes," He laughed. "You haven't even seen anything. Go. Your first lecture starts in 10 minutes."

I blinked rapidly and before cutting the call, I asked him for the last time. "Do you think I can do this? Be normal and make friends?"

His voice softened when he replied, "You're not normal, Alina. You're different. Embrace it. And miss, why do you need friends when you have me?"

"Because I need someone normal, not who jokes around for stupid things."

"Hey--"

Before he could say anything further, I said bye and cut the call laughing. Somedays, he was the only one who could help me to see the better of me, pull my leg but still thought about me when I would be too confused about the future. Telling him wasn't on my plate, but he asked me upfront that he wanted to know what was the deal with me, and I told him. I told him how I hated whenever he gets too close or make s****l jokes because I wasn't comfortable with them.

It didn't stop his jokes, but he learned to make distance and that I was grateful for.

You could do this.

Repeating the same mantra in my head, I entered the class and chose the last seat, so I couldn't feel people staring at my back, making me feel uncomfortable with my environment. I wish Nisha was here. With her, I got this weird confidence that as long as she was there, I would be fine and nothing would terrify me but the old fear was rushing into my veins, gripping the positiveness I had stored in my mind. Ice. It felt like ice was clutching my legs as I stared ahead at the teacher who introduced himself to us and the course of Introduction to Poetry.

The world was enclosing within me as I saw the number of children sitting in front of me, and I was enclosed within them. My grip tightened around my hand as I scribbled useless stuff at the back of my notebook. Nothing helped.

He asked us to introduce ourselves, and one by one everyone started giving their introduction. I counted the number of children till my turn, repeated the lines of my introduction in my head. I could do this. I had to do this.

I'm Alina Gupta. I'm from New Delhi. I did my twelfth from St. Xavier's, New Delhi. Supposedly, I was to be in Medical college right now, but I got into an accident leaving me with a scar on my forehead and arms and my parents decided they couldn't lose their daughter to suicide. Oh, did I tell you that I was suicidal and my arms are filled with ugly cutting scars? Yes, that's the reason my boyfriend taught of coming with me because he was scared I would kill myself.

I galloped set fresh new oxygen and my eyes pained with the tears to shed down but I held them back. What was happening to me? I could do this. I had to do this. But the words seemed fazed to my mind and when my turn came, I stood up, bite my nails in my wrist, hoping it would act as a blade, cut my wrist open and I would bleed to death in this right moment.

I opened my mouth, tried to utter something but all the eyes were held on me, depriving me of the power of speech.

"I--I--"

The professor passed me a small smile, encouraging me to go on but I couldn't and the ice spread through each nerve, each rational thought, and my heart was clutched within this ice of stillness. Breath snitched, hands shook, people chuckled in the front and I was about to flee the room when I remembered the first purpose of coming to another city. Freedom and a new start. New start. But why it seemed so hard to achieve it while I drowned in the panic attacks?

Taking a deep breath, I tried to control my irrational thoughts and said, "I'm Alina Gupta. I'm from New Delhi and I did my twelfth from St. Xavier's."

I heard gasps surrounding me as soon as the school name was uttered, but I was too occupied with my troubling thoughts that I didn't pay attention to them and sat down. For the remaining minutes, I listened to the teacher, forgetting about my almost humiliation and tried to think rational and positive, but I couldn't.

As soon as the class ended, I was the first one to flee out of the class and ran to the direction of the washroom. Putting my handbag on the basin, I turned on the tap and was about to flash to across my face when someone muttered from the back, "I wouldn't suggest it with the makeup."

The water slipped down my hands as I stared at her from the mirror. "What?"

"Kohl. It'll drain out of your eyes, making you look like a zombie, which, unfortunately, I'm not looking forward to."

Battling with my thoughts, I switch off the taps and turned around to face her, and took my time to look the whole of her. From the mirror, all I could see was a heart shaped face with brown skin and black bob cut, but from the front, I could see the whole of her or how she towered me.

"I'm Sanskriti, but by means call me Kriti or else I'll kill in your sleep."

Chuckling, I said, "I'm Alina. Just call me Alina."

"So just Alina," She mocked. "How's college been so far?"

"I would rather not comment." I grabbed my bag from the top of the washbasin. "I should go."

"Why? Do you've any Prince Charming waiting for you?" Her words stopped me in my tracks. "If you've, I don't care. You're going out with me."

"What?"

"I'm bored after that boring lecture. When is your next lecture?" She asked excitedly, went to the direction of the mirror, opened her purse and took out the lipstick from her handbag.

I opened my bag, took out the schedule and said, "In about thirty minutes."

"Good. I'm hungry. Let's go." She dropped her lipstick back to its place, grabbed my hand and marched us out of the washrooms. All my protests died as soon as I saw her beaming smile and the fact, she didn't care to listen to my protests at all.

"Where are you?" Kabir said loudly from the other side of the phone.

"I--I--" I couldn't say a word to him while Kriti was busy burying down in her chicken biryani and a bottle of bear. "Not in the college."

"What?" He screamed. "Where are you? Are you okay? Are you ambushed?"

"Relax, Kabir." As if hearing a boy name, Kriti left her dish and pulled her attention to me with a snarky smile. Ignoring her, I paid attention to my over-worrying boyfriend. "I'm very much ambushed by this girl, Kriti."

"Where are you? I'm coming," He replied in haste.

"I'll be back soon. Don't worry. I talk to you later, bye." I didn't wait for his response before I cut the call and placed it back o the table. I took my fork and started playing with the noodles. I was trying to avoid Kriti, who was looking forward to some news from my side about who was Kabir because one thing I learned about her was that she was very talkative and had a curious mind.

She was from Pune, doing the same degree as me and unfortunately, she witnessed my almost humiliation in the class and had run after me to check if I was fine. I was bothered before she cleared it out and said I get troubled easily for things that shouldn't matter in the first place.

"Who's Kabir?"

"My boyfriend," I replied nonchalantly, rolled the noddles around the fork and ate it. She raised her eyebrow, looking for more information. "We were supposed to meet but I got dragged down by someone else."

"He lives in Bangalore?" She asked in astonishment. "You tried long distance relationship in your school times? You don't come to me as easily trusting type."

Sighing, I told her the half-truth about how I and Kabir met and fell in love, leaving the tiny details of our relationship, the main parts of what withheld us and smiled at the end because no matter what, I was happy and that's what mattered for now. I guess.

"That's cute but too unrealistic." I laughed at her comment. As if I hadn't heard it before. "Is he not handsome?"

Noodles stuck in my throat, and quickly, she passed me her bear but I waved her off and gulped down the bear, trying to relax my throat. When I was fine and the vocal chords were working fine, I asked, "Why you asked this?"

"Handsome guys have this problem. Ego. They think people should follow them."

"I find him handsome. I've no idea about others." I wiped my lips with the help of napkins. "And he's filled with ego. You've no idea about it. We should get going."

She nodded, and when the bill came we divided it in half. Walking out of the restaurant, we walked towards the college and it felt better to know it was at the walking distance because I wasn't in the habit of walking much and I had no desire to miss my next lecture on the very first day.

As soon we entered the college, a figure snapped in front of me with an annoyed look. I knew none of my apologetic looks would help me this time because he was beyond annoyed.

"I'm sorry." I wore the same innocent look I had been wearing since a year to make him forget the anger and fall into my trap and it always worked like now.

Bit of anger melted down and he changed his gaze to the girl standing next to me, who was too busy glaring at me for halting our actions.

"Do we know you? This is how you disturb two girls? I will file a case against you for ambushing us out of nowhere." I chuckled but as soon he glared at me, it came out as a laughter, and damn, he was back to being annoyed.

I placed my hand on his bicep. "Relax. I'm fine." He passed a dirty look on my hand, jaw clenching noticing the full sleeve shirt but there was nothing he could do. I needed time to get used to the changing things because, at this moment, I wasn't doing any great.

As if burnt, I placed my hand back to my side, suddenly feeling uncomfortable standing next to him. We argued in the car for the same thing, we argued in the plane for the same thing and we keep on arguing for the same thing over and over again.

Shrugging off those thoughts, I introduced both of them, "Kabir, meet Sanskrit and call her Kriti or else she'll kill you in your sleep. And Kriti, meet Kabir." Before she could, I answered her. "He's doing B.Com."

"This is Kabir?" Kriti asked. "You said about handsome, not hot."

"Don't, please," I whined. "He's already filled with it." But it was too late. Kabir was already smirking and pointing his gaze at me to see he was hot and I should compliment him more. Rolling my eyes, I said, "I should go. Bye." Passing him a smile, I was about to go when he took hold my hand, making me stop in my tracks.

"Dhruv called." I tensed under his grip. "You can do this. You've gone through worse and this is nothing compared to that. Also, I'm here. Always and forever."

Wearing a weak smile, I nodded, broke his grip and went to the search of my class but not before, turning and passing him a full smile.

The rest of the lectures went smoothly, better than my first one where I almost got myself into a panic attack of never-ending pain. Maybe it could be because Kriti kept on commenting on everyone during the classes, or her non-ending talks were soothing my nerves or the words of Kabir. I had no idea but it felt good to behave normal, not a wrecked girl, standing in front of the class with a shaking body.

During the lunchtime, Kabir met us in the college grounds along with some of his new friends and he introduced me to all of them. Most wore shocked faces, learning we were in a relationship and got in the same college which I think was our good luck. I was astonished learning how fast he made friends while I wasn't even sure if I and Kriti were friends.

At the end of the college, Kriti had left soon because she had somewhere important to go and I met Kabir in the parking lot.

"You going to the hostel?"

I nodded. "I still haven't settled my stuff nicely. I need to call mom and dad. Moreover, I know nothing about my roommate."

When two days ago, I went to the hostel, I was informed all the single rooms were occupied and I had to adjust to someone else. Dad had tried to argue that he already talked about a single room but I had said I would manage somehow, but he wasn't convinced, I wasn't convinced. I had no idea how I would sleep in that room, knowing I scream in my sleep or get awake in the middle of the night, covered in sweat, or how I would hide the medicines of my disorder.

But more, I wanted to show my parents and everyone that I was fine, and they all had to stop worrying about me. I wasn't the sad little girl anymore, who was scared of living her life, thinking she deserved it. The counseling changed me, the last year changed me and guided me to do something which mattered to me.

"Why don't you try apartment?" He asked, worried. "Your dad is right. Sharing a room can be worrisome."

"I'll manage. Trust me. I shared a room with Nisha."

"On a trip of a week where she knows everything about you," He argued. "Bookworm, you don't have to push yourself."

"I'm not. Trust me," I lied. "I'll manage."

I didn't want to be scared for the rest of my life, wondering what would happen if I did this, and get away from any normal situations. I could see from where he was coming from, but he had to see my situation as well.

"If you say so." He ran his hand through his hair. "Should I drop you?" He asked hesitantly.

"Kabir, it's walking distance from the college." I chuckled. "You go and manage your private apartment."

He couldn't manage to live in the hostel because he hated it after what happened in school days, and he respected his privacy too much to be bothered by curfews and sharing room with others.

"Do you want to come?" He asked suddenly. "I mean, what will you do in the hostel at this time? Just an hour."

"We'll be alone," I whispered. For the first time, we would be alone with no worry of someone barging into us and asking questioning looks at what we were doing. We had that many times after the school ended, mostly contained warnings from both of our parents to not close the doors of our rooms, not meet privately, and most of all, to never do something out of our limits.

That conversation was out of limits because we both got it together one night before our flight to Bangalore. In the end, we had to plead them to stop, and the whole day, we couldn't even look at each other without blushing about the other night.

"And?"

"And no matter how much I want to spend time with you, I have to pass. I need to settle my things and I've a grave desire to write." Seeing his fallen face, I added next, "What about the weekend? I will also help with unpacking."

His fallen face was replaced with a grin. "As my bookworm commands. But can I walk you to your hostel?"

"Kabir."

"Alina." He said in the same voice as mine, and before I could say anything, he snatched the handbag from my hand and pointed his head in the direction of the hostel.

"Give me my bag back," I complained while we started walking towards girls hostel.

"I did it in school. What's the problem now?"

"I had met with an accident that time. I was walking with the help of crutches."

"Doesn't matter. You're my girlfriend and I'm not letting her carry these heavy books." He didn't hear any of my arguments, and soon within ten minutes, we were standing outside my hostel and I snatched my hand bag back from his hands and waved him bye to go and enjoy his new car. That filled his spirit and he went running back to his car.

Delighted by his twelfth result, his father had gifted him a car and the smile that overtook Kabir face was hard to ignore because for the first time, he didn't get the gift, he earned it with his hard work.

When he disappeared from my view, I shed down the calm look I was wearing and the weariness took over my face. I should've told him about the first class, but I was scared of spoiling his first day of college with the darkness of my own life. He didn't deserve to carry the burden of my own heart. I would get over it soon. The first days were always hard.

But what about the thought of cutting again? Wasn't I healed? Wasn't I better?

Taking a deep breath, I entered the hostel, ignoring the girls walking here and there, and walked down to the path of my room. I was about to get the keys out from my purse when I saw the room was already unlocked and when I entered, all my things were ruffled across the room, my clothes were laying on the floor, my books were on the verge of falling off from the study table and all I could do was gape at the girl standing in front of me with a torn book in her hands.

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