The vampire and the wife

Chapter 4

The rest of that night had been mostly Dorian and Zack telling me about their adventures together and what I'd missed when he'd gone that night during the summer. It had been a pretty interesting turn of events, I'd say, but as the night wore on, I'd begun to feel a little restless seeing Dorian and Zack together. It hadn't been that I was jealous of them both curled up together, but it was more that all the scars were still fresh and still sore.

"I'm going to turn in for the night." I told them both. "In that spare room are the black-out curtains so you should be good with the daylight. I stayed in there for a few days before."

"Thanks Ro." Dorian grinned as he looked up at me. "Sweet dreams and we'll see you when we come down."

"Sweet dreams, Dorian; sweet dreams, Zack." I muttered as I yawned a little and went up the stairs to bed. As I walked up the stairs, I really didn't want to go to sleep. I knew that as soon as I tried to sleep, the nightmares would come again. They'd wash me away under them and I'd drown. Maybe tonight will be different. After all, Dorian is here. No, as much as I wanted to think that Dorian coming to me was a sign that everything was ok and that everything would get better, I knew differently. I knew it wouldn't be as simple as no more nightmares coming for me; I knew it would take time, like everything took time.

I got into my room and flipped on the lamp. I went and sat on my bed, went into the bedside table and took out the pad of paper and the pen I'd kept in the drawer too. I'd been trying for days to write a letter to Xander, to try and get rid of how I was feeling, as I knew bottling it up wasn't doing me any favours; it was just making me more and more angry about what had happened and that was dragging me under like a whirlpool and I knew I needed to let go. To move on, I had to let go of those feelings; I had to forgive him for what he'd done to me emotionally, even though it felt like it was an impossible feat to do it.

Dear Xander was how I'd started the letter. My handwriting was terrible, as my hand shook violently at the idea of finally doing this.

I want to start by saying I'm sorry for whatever it was that I did that you couldn't do any more. I never wanted to hurt you in any way; you really were my world and right now... I'm struggling. You told me I didn't need to fight anymore because for me, it's all over, but you were wrong. I do need to fight; I need to fight the hardest battle of my life to forgive myself and you, but I just can't. All I can do is cry and want anything that would take away the pain.

A big blob of tears landed on the paper, making what I'd written hard to see, but I just carried on because it was almost like my hand couldn't stop.

I needed you, Xander; I needed you to hold me and tell me that everything would be ok, but you didn't. I needed you to hold me and tell me not to be scared when I woke up in the night from nightmares, but you don't and I get even more scared and I just fall further down the hole and wish every single day it would swallow me whole so I don't have to deal with feeling nothing. I thought that by drinking it would numb the pain, I'd forget the hurt, yet even as I get drunk, the pain just gets worse; it never leaves me. I just want you to come back and hold me, tell me that you pushed me away because you were scared and tell me we can sort this out because, without you... I'm struggling every day. Every day I'm scared of growing further away from you. I'm scared of forgetting the sound of your voice, the way you make me feel or even the way I knew it was you when you walked into a room.

More tears began to spill out over the page and I got mad and threw the pen and tossed the paper on the floor in frustration. I pulled my legs up close to my chest as I found it hard to breathe as it felt like I was drowning all over again. I couldn't do it. Dorian wasn't a reason enough to carry on and pick myself up. I needed more in my life. I needed something that would take away the pain of Xander; I needed something or someone who would carefully try and fix the brokenness about me, because that's all I was. Broken and destroyed and I felt like I would never get back to being the old, strong Rosa. No matter how much time I gave myself, I knew time wouldn't fix this mess.