Home Guard

Chapter 9

Feral fruchoc

Poo made John mad. John believed that the dog and the world were out to get him. He was convinced that the dog would pace out the exact steps from out the backdoor so that he was guaranteed to step in it. “Jesus Christ, it’s all over my fuckin’ ugg boots!” he'd yell. Jim and Bec would be dying with laughter inside and then immediately fearful as his anger exploded all over the dog, who needed to be taught not to poo.

John lost his s**t one day while hunting for poo. He could smell it everywhere he went. Earlier that morning he had been sniffing a well-worn and freshly soiled ugg boot with a fresh dollop of what could have been a feral fruchoc from the backyard.

Damn it. Where’s that dog s**t? Filthy prick. John muttered as scanned the suburban smells. The stress was building. A crescendo of drama.

Perhaps it’s on your nose Honey, a nervously amused and ever helpful Lyn called out. What! I don’t think so. John stomped into the bathroom childlike. A look in the mirror confirmed his worst fears. It wasn’t chocolate. Curses, he was soiled’ again. It was now in his 70’s porno moustache.

As part of her daily routine, Lyn scanned her environment for threats to her marriage, children and pretty house. That included quickly filling in the holes in the lawn that the dog had dug before John came home. Lawn holes made John mad too. Poo and lawn holes made John really mad. STOP digging in my fuckin’ garden! John would scream in a staccato fashion each smack in time with the parallel syllable. Ow ow ow says the dog. Blah blah blah says John. Stop being a dog, John is saying. Stop being kids John is saying. Stop being a woman John is saying. Stop the world I want to get off John is screaming. But he doesn’t know it.

He caught Jim watching. Looking at the weapon in his hand. A rolled up newspaper doesn't hurt them Jim, he puffs, it just teaches them because they don’t understand anything else. John stares back at Jim looking up from the terrified animal with its wild eyes lolling about in its head. Jim wasn’t convinced. Inside the dog would usually piss itself in fear over the carpet to add to the rage and the small puddle would become a trail down the passage as the rest of its bladder emptied onto the cream carpet.

The carpet was Lyn’s problem though. The lawn was sacred and the dog was thrown in the pool one day because of it. Snoopy was left doggy paddling for his life. Shocked and confused it should have put digging a hole and water torture together but alas no. Lyn dragged it out wet and shivering by its collar looking frantically at Jim as if to say disappear. Jim did. Inside his head.

Zombie like he walked back inside to his room and sat on the floor. The bed was off limits once made until bedtime. Ted the teddy and an alien toy from Pizza Hut came out to play with him and the action began.

Ok Ted, Alien Fred says in a scary alien voice. What have you done this time?

What? Ted is a bit dumb and shows no expression

Alien Fred pulls out his ray gun with the flame Jim attached for dramatic effect. Fred is about to use the star wars force with a threatening hand gesture but then decides against it. Fred just shoots Ted. He can’t be bothered waiting for an answer. Ted is judged and executed with no trial. And then thrown in the pretend pool with a splash.

GI Joe comes to the rescue. He drags Ted out and looks for revenge. He spots Alien Fred and pulls out a bigger gun. A broken water rifle that looks like a sawn off shotgun. Boom! Take that Fred.

The Alien gets hit and limps to his toilet roll space ship, which takes off with farting noises to attack another day.

Ted is bandaged and revived. Thanks GI Joe, you saved my life.

GI Joe just lights up an invisible cigarette and walks off into the empty tissue box barracks. Wearing a stolen Barbie outfit.