Processing The Impossible
1456 Words
After Elias left I sat in that chair for what felt like hours while everyone around me tried to pretend they weren't staring and waiting for me to have some kind of breakdown. Lily had moved to the couch across from me and kept making concerned big sister faces while Zayen and Ren hovered nearby like they expected me to either explode or disappear at any moment.
"So," Lily said eventually because she'd never been good at uncomfortable silences, "that was unexpected."
I let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob because unexpected was definitely one way to describe having the man who destroyed your life in another universe beg to spend his life protecting you in this one.
"Iris," Ren said carefully while settling onto the arm of my chair, "are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."
If only he knew how accurate that statement was.
"I'm fine," I lied while trying to figure out how to explain that I was having an existential crisis about a man who apparently loved me when I knew for a fact he was capable of crushing me without a second thought.
"You don't look fine," Zayen pointed out while crouching down so he was at eye level with me. "You look like someone just told you the sky was actually green and you're trying to process whether that makes sense."
I stared at him because that was actually a pretty accurate description of how I felt right now. Everything I thought I knew about Elias Stormbane had just been turned upside down and I couldn't figure out if this version of him was real or just another way the universe was messing with me.
"Can I ask you guys something?" I said while looking between Zayen and Ren. "And I need you to be completely honest with me."
They both nodded immediately.
"What do you know about Elias? I mean really know, not just the professional healer stuff but who he is as a person."
Zayen and Ren exchanged glances and I could tell they were trying to figure out how much to say.
"He's complicated," Ren said finally. "He's never been involved with your direct care because he requested to work at a distance."
"He requested it?" That surprised me. "Why?"
"He said it would be inappropriate given his feelings for you," Zayen explained. "The elders agreed it was better to keep some professional distance."
I blinked at them because this was the opposite of what I'd expected to hear. "His feelings for me?"
"Iris, everyone knows Elias Stormbane has been in love with you for years," Lily said gently. "It's not exactly a secret even if he's never acted on it."
"Everyone knows?" My voice came out higher than normal.
"It's pretty obvious when you watch him," Ren said. "He attends every public event you're at, always positions himself where he can see you, follows news about your condition obsessively. We just assumed you knew and weren't interested."
I felt like I was learning about a completely different person than the one I remembered. In my old life Elias had barely acknowledged my existence except to tell me how inadequate I was and here they were describing someone who'd been pining for me from afar for years.
"So when he said he wanted to be my third Lykora," I said slowly, "that wasn't just about the protection thing."
"Definitely not just about protection," Zayen confirmed. "Though I think he genuinely believes you need additional security after today's attack."
I rubbed my temples because this was giving me a headache on top of everything else. "What do you two think about the idea?"
They looked at each other again and I could see them having one of those silent conversations that I was getting tired of being left out of.
"Honestly?" Ren said. "I don't like the idea of sharing your protection with anyone else but Elias is strong and skilled and completely devoted to you. If you're going to have a third Lykora he would probably be the best choice."
"Plus," Zayen added reluctantly, "after what happened today it's clear that two of us aren't enough. Someone got close enough to attack you and we weren't there to prevent it."
I could hear the guilt in his voice and it made my chest hurt because none of this was their fault. "Zayen, you can't blame yourself for what happened. I asked for space and you gave it to me."
"That doesn't matter," he said firmly. "Our job is to keep you safe and we failed."
"You didn't fail," I protested. "And I'm not just some helpless princess who needs to be guarded every second of every day."
The look they gave me suggested they disagreed with that assessment but were too polite to say so out loud.
"The thing is," I continued, "I don't understand why Elias wants this so badly. I mean if he's been in love with me for years why hasn't he ever tried to court me or whatever it is people do in this world?"
"Because you're Luna," Lily said like it was obvious. "You outrank him by a lot. He probably never thought he had a chance with you romantally so he settled for loving you from a distance."
That made a twisted kind of sense except for the part where it completely contradicted everything I knew about Elias's personality. The man I remembered was arrogant and entitled and definitely not the type to pine quietly in the background.
"What if I said yes?" I asked while trying to ignore the way my stomach clenched at the thought. "What would that actually mean?"
"It would mean three Lykoras bound to your service and protection," Ren explained. "Three men whose sole purpose in life becomes making sure you're safe and happy."
"And it would mean Elias gets what he's wanted for years," Zayen added. "The chance to be close to you and serve you directly."
I thought about the way he'd looked at me when he was kneeling and asking for the honor of protecting me and felt that same confusion swirling in my chest. This man who had rejected me and called me weak was now begging for the chance to dedicate his life to me.
"What if I said no?" I asked.
"Then he'll accept your decision and continue loving you from a distance like he always has," Ren said simply. "But Iris, you should know that refusing him would probably destroy him."
Great, so my choices were either let the man who broke my heart in another universe become my third Lykora or break his heart in this universe by refusing him. The irony was so thick I could taste it.
"I need more time to think about this," I said while standing up from the chair. "And I need to understand more about who Elias really is in this world before I make any decisions."
"That's smart," Lily said approvingly. "You shouldn't rush into binding yourself to someone you don't fully trust."
Trust. That was the core of the problem wasn't it? How could I trust someone who had proven himself capable of destroying me even if this version of him seemed completely different?
"In the meantime," Zayen said while also standing, "we need to discuss your security. After today's attack you shouldn't be alone anywhere."
"I know," I said even though the thought of being constantly surrounded by bodyguards made me feel claustrophobic. "But I also can't live my life in fear of every shadow."
"You won't have to," Ren promised. "We'll figure out who's behind the attacks and stop them."
I nodded because they sounded so confident that I almost believed them. Almost.
"I'm going to go rest for a while," I announced. "Today has been a lot and I need to process everything."
"Good idea," Lily said while standing to give me a hug. "But Iris? Whatever you decide about Elias, make sure it's what you want and not what you think you should do."
I hugged her back and tried not to think about how impossible it was going to be to figure out what I wanted when I didn't even understand what was real anymore.
As I headed toward the stairs with Zayen and Ren flanking me like bodyguards I couldn't shake the feeling that my life had just gotten infinitely more complicated.
The question was whether I was strong enough to handle the complications or if I was just going to get crushed under the weight of everyone else's expectations again.
Some days being Luna felt less like a gift and more like a very elaborate trap.
- Writer
