Taming Him with My Innocence

Chapter 11 What is love??

Akiras Pov

Sometimes I wonder what this love people talk about is. I have never experienced or seen such love in my life. This concept of finding one true love, mates for life, does it exist? It is a beautifully made-up concept. Some people marry for money, some people marry for status, and some for love; in the end, all regret it. I can see a prime example in my parents. They married for love; they loved each other and decided to marry. It turned out I was the reason that they are still married. As a kid, it was a big responsibility to take and a hard pill to swallow. I was seven when I realized they were not a perfect match, and they always fought with each other. It is devastating to know that your dad is only a good father, not a good husband. He does everything for us; in contrast, he doesn't consider Mom's feelings. And when I talk about my mom, I feel sorry for her as a woman, but I despise her decisions as a daughter. She is supposed to be my mom, not the other way around. I want them to get divorced. I hope they do. I don’t care how they live. I am mentally exhausted and physically ashamed. I was insulted my whole life for my body, by none other than my mom.

I have lived in this toxic environment, and I felt that it was normal. My mom also tried to convince me that every family has problems, but it's not true; not every family faces these situations. Families try to maintain peace. Whenever I try to communicate, she compares our situation to people who have worse lives, like orphans or families below the poverty level, who struggle with money. There is nowhere to compare. I realized I can't change this woman; she lives her life. I just want to concentrate on my future.

I was not a topper or a bright kid. I like to do everything, but I'm not the best at one thing. They wanted the best, but I was not able to give my best in anything. This kind of situation increased my anxiety and messed with my head. I like music, I love dancing, I like playing guitar, I love playing games, I love to draw, I sketch a lot, I enjoy reading, and I read many books. I used to read all my textbooks before the teacher's class. I enjoy writing; I write a lot of stories. I love creating beautiful artwork.

But I am not the best at anything. I was underconfident, and I used to think a lot about my family situation because I had to act mature and understand our situation. Even now, it hasn't changed. I feel I deserve better, a better family, and a proper relationship where I will be able to express my feelings without needing to worry about hurting theirs. I hope in the future I want someone who understands, is mature enough to have a conversation without arguing or cursing, who is calm and composed, and who prioritizes me over anything.

After living 17 years of my life, after all the hardships I faced, I am trying to excel this time. I want to give my 100%. I am confident now. I want to travel around countries, at least a few. I want to pursue my dreams. I want to make a travel buddy. I don't want to be stuck here with these people; I want to fly. My brain wanders thousands of miles away, in the blue sky, yet I feel I am stuck in yesterday. I am turning on the lights so that I can dream. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I want to love myself; they are forcing me to hurt myself and hate my life.

I don't want to give up yet. When the sun is rising, I want to start a fresh day, and when the moon is shining, I want to be with someone and be in the places I want to be. I want to flow with the wind. I don't want to be erased; I am not a blot. I wish I were able to share all my thoughts with my friend. We are in the beginning phase of friendship. Rohit has become pretty close to me. This society sometimes treats a boy and a girl as friends differently. I don't and never will have any kind of romantic feelings towards him; he is not even my type. People have already started talking. I don't want to be involved in rumors. Rohit is a spiritually open guy. He is cool and talks a lot. He is kind and has a good personality. And on the other hand, Madeena is a girl's girl; she understands people.

After our trip to the city, I feel we have bonded; our friendship has gotten stronger. There is another person who gets me, Raunak. He is kind of my type, and sometimes I find myself thinking about him. It is too soon to tell, and he is kind of hard to read; he doesn't express his emotions that well, kind of similar to me. Nobody knows how this will turn out. For a moment, I thought maybe other girls were also feeling this way about him because he acts the same as everyone. I am taking a chance, although I cannot judge his character this early. People are like onions; they have layers. There are a lot of layers to unravel in his case.

The main event that I was wondering about is coming soon – that interaction day our senior mentioned before. On interaction day, all the seniors and juniors are introduced, and sometimes the seniors make the juniors do weird things. It's a kind of official meeting. I am worried about how that day will be. It was crazy hot, and the teachers agreed to it. Is it borderline ragging?

To be continued ....