To My First Love

Agonizing memories

August 26, 2009

It’s been 5 years now since I last saw you. But thoughts of you still linger in my mind. I have falling desperately in love with you. I am sinking in the pit of despair because of this feeling. I have love you ever since but what I want the most is for you to love us. I want us to be together. Me and you. Nothing else. No one else. This overwhelming hopelessness I have inside makes me helpless. I can’t bring myself to move on. I hit rock bottom in my life.

I failed to bring myself to move on. I failed to properly express my love to you. I thought what we have will last a lifetime. I am sure since the beginning that I will share my whole lifetime with you. Where did it go wrong? I have thought what we have share is special. I thought you will be there for me all the time. I thought you have known me and show me the same affection I have for you. I thought you have known me and see me at my worst. I thought I have proven myself worthy of you. I thought you have accepted me for who truly am I.. I thought you have understand my pain and suffering. But I just thought so.

It is hard for me to accept the fact that you have settled down. It is hard for me to accept that you are married now. It is still hard for me to let you go. You knew that you have touch not only my heart but also my soul. It’s hard for me to know that you build your family without me in it. You have crumpled my heart to pieces.

I thought my heart is safe in your hands. But with you grip I suffer hurt, pain and suffocation. If only you have knew the catastrophic impact you made in my life. My life erupted leaving ashes that makes everything gray.

You never knew, how my life have been since you left me. You never knew how misery consume me. You never knew I fall deep in despair. You never knew that I lost the will to survive. I lost the will to continue with my life. I lost all my motivation and inspiration. I lost the meaning of life.

You never knew that I try to end my life. I have different vices. I have been a heavy smoker since then. It became my stress reliever. But still stress have consumed my life. I have also been drinking almost every day that it became my sleeping aide. I can’t bring myself to sleep without getting drunk now. You never knew that I try to be with different women every night. I want to spend my time with them just to make me forget about you. But it seems the vivid charming image of you has enslaved this simple minded man. Just how you beautifully smile at me. Just how amazing you are. But your sweetest smile fades into bitter anguish written on your face.

Since that day, I lived with the agonizing memories we have together.

How I miss your beautiful cute face. And the attractive way you smile at me.

Your brown eyes that glows brightly. And those eyes that speaks so lively and full of affection.

How I miss the way you share your thoughts to me. How you defended your opinions so bravely.

How I miss the way you stand with your faith. Just how amazing you defend your principles.

How I miss the way you talk charmingly to me.

How you captivated me with your loving gaze.

How I feel so jealous when you turn your gaze to another man.

How I miss your sarcastic remarks that amuse me. How I terribly miss your jokes that put a smile on my face.

How I miss how my heart beat as I saw you amidst the crowd. You seem to stand out among them.

You just captivated my soul that even just a glimpse of your back I know that it is you.

How I miss the time when we share our thoughts of the future.

How you love to be a mother and a loving wife. It makes me eager to spend my life with you.

How I love to be a good husband and supportive father.

How I envision for us to build a family together. How we share our dreams and plans together.

How I miss your lovely gaze that pierce through my soul.

How I imprinted every part of your face in my mind that I will not forget an inch of you.

Nothing can compare the affection I have only for you. Nothing more matter to me than you.

I never thought this would taste bittersweet. I never thought that all my efforts are of no effect. After I all I’ve done, I am still not enough.

You shattered me to million pieces but I still decided to put my life together. When one day our path may cross again, I can still prove to you that despite everything I still keep my promise of succeeding professionally.

I am putting the shattered me piece by piece day by day. It would be hard. Really hard. I know when all the pieces put back together it will never be the same again. I know, I will never be the same again.

I choose the path without you in it. But do you know that I save every memory I spend with you? I am now contemplating whether I would see you again. It is hard but I always remind myself that it is you who first abandon me out of the blue.

Every night, at my balcony, I gaze at the night skies. And deep in my thoughts. They say that night skies is most beautiful with all the stars dancing on it. Those sparkling gem like stars are special. But I only find it rather very ordinary. I only see the night sky as gloomy as my life. Nothing special. Just plain ordinary.

I know, I will be closing the door I have shared with you. I’m going to lock it and throw away the key. That no matter what that door will never be open again. I will never experience the bliss of affection again.

This will be necessary to get my life up and moving again.

Seconds to minutes pass. Hours to days, months to years passed. My life continue to exist as simple as it is. I focus on the journey of my life now. The mundane daily task aids in mending my heart. No complication just plain ordinary. If I paint my life now, it is a paint of gray. Not white, not black just gray.

My life has lost its color since you left me. It is a day to day survival for me. Walking up, doing chores, getting to sleep, just how uninteresting. But the gray helps me heal my numbing wound. It keeps me to survive. I now love gray.

I took a different path that only focus on proving my worth only to myself. Not minding other people around me but only me. I have created a different world for myself. I need to be at the top for myself. I want you to know that I am a better choice. I know it is not wrong to be selfish sometimes when I have once pour myself to that special human being. To be at the top is the only way of living for me.

I surpass the years without you in it. Getting me at the top despite how devastated my life has been. I constantly struggle and fight to survive but somehow manage to endure. It still thanks to you.

My overwhelming love leads me to an animosity. That feeling fuels me to be on the top. I would hate myself to hate you. And I end up hating myself over and over again. I am professionally successful now that it feeds my ego to humiliate you someday.

Look at me now, I succeeded.

How are you now?

Do you even finish your dream career? Does the man whom you choose took good care of you? Do you live well with your family now?

Those are the things that running through head. I am proud of what I achieved so far. Look at the man you left behind? Isn’t he successful enough now? And I want you to think of this as my revenge to you. But that’s all only on my mind.

You never knew that you drag me to desperation. I thought the time will come when I will brag with all my glory of how successful I am now. It still hurt me more when I thought I have succeeded but my physique didn’t. Creating a world of my choice and living the way I wanted put me in a difficult situation now. The pieces just seem not to fit at all.

I couldn’t bring to recuperate my health. It deteriorate by the day. How unfortunate of me. It seems that fate would not want me happiness in this life. My doctor diagnose me with a stage four lung cancer. You see, I am now critically ill with an acute ailment. All hopes of rescuing myself now fly over the window. I am beyond the need of recovery only miracle can create wonder for me now.

I still wish for us to cross path again, one last time.