To My First Love

One Last Time

August 2014

I am mustering up the courage to finally meet you again.

For the last time, I want to see if you still smile beautifully.

For the last time, I want to hear the detailed explanation from you for the past years. It sound cliché. But it’s a dying wish of me. I want that day to be a respectable closure for us. For I know that I will no longer live long as I wanted. My time is now limited. And for that limited time, I want to accomplish much as I could.

The journey back home is somewhat tiresome. This is a depressing moment for me. I don’t want a recollection such wonderful memory. As I travel back to our home town, my body gets frigid. My senses went numb all the way to my mind. I feel a sudden frustration. But watching the familiar scenery pass by before me gives a sense of relief. Distracting me from remembering you.

My family is enthusiastic to finally meet me for a long period of time I have been apart from them. Ten years at most since I last set my foot in this town. Deciding to simply leaving things behind for good. But there is one person whom I’m excited to meet since I have arrived. Part of me is excited and other part of me is dreading for the reaction you may display upon seeing me again.

I know you heard from my friends and family how greatly you have caused a ruckus in my life. I know you have been avoiding them since that day.

But for my peaceful departure, I must do this honorable closure. I know, I cannot recreate such memories again with you but I am definitely back for good.

I wake up early today. It is early five in the morning. I decided to jog first. Wear my rubber shoes and jogging pants, I run my way around town. I jog for the whole hour. I know my body is weakening day by day. I am getting thinner and thinner. But I need to run. I will myself to run so I could clear up head and to ease this consuming uneasiness I felt. I want to remove this weight that burdens my heart.

As hours fast approaching to visit you, I am a little edgy that finally I could see you one last time. And my heart is getting heavier by the minute I made my way at the front of your house. I have this mixed emotions that settled within. The anger, hatred, frustration can’t diminish this agonizing feeling. After all this time, I knew, I still undeniably in love with you.

For one last time, I gather the courage in every fiber of my being to personally clear and end things with you. I know it’s a one sided love. I know this would not be easy. You might think this as foolish and stupid. But I need to make sure one last time that you are doing great with your life. I want to face the harsh reality and expect nothing more. I want to see how you build your family without me and how you treat your husband so kindly. How you would take good care of your kids, how you supported them and how you make plan of the future together.

For one last time, I want to assure myself that you are happy without me. That you accomplish more in life without me in it. I want you to feel the guilt of tricking me to fall in love with you. And believing such fantasy that we could be together.

When you saw me that day in front of your house, I could see the different emotions flashes before eyes. The guilt and pity that made me terrified. I can’t help but notice how simple you have become. You wear a tattered clothes, hair in disarray as you hold your son on your shoulder. It seems your youthful glow fades. But the gaze on your eyes hold such contented expression.

Is this how you become over the years we are apart? Are you happy with just like these? I know that I could give you better than this. I am out of my mind. This is not what I came for. I am only here today to hear the in depth answers and reasons of the question you left unanswered throughout those years.

You knew that I asked, “Why?”

I don’t want to hear your honest and frank answers about it. But this is my reality now. It may stab my heart to million pieces to hear those painful words but at last I can peacefully make this end. And your precise reasons have been printed in the back of my head.

“Why?”

“I am of low status and you are destine for greatness. Only noble things will be worthy of you. Socially, we live a different world. It is heaven and earth. I always find myself not worthy of your love. I am not fit for your grand dream of the future. I love simply domesticated but you are way too sophisticated. We have the exact opposite of what we like in life”, you said.

But you know, what is the most painful reason that hurt me so badly? When you said, “I only look at you as my brother. I treat you as one of my family”.

Never in my million thoughts that what have shown me you is just a kind and loving gesture of a sister. All those years for only a familial love. It is a frightening discovery for me. I always thought that you saw me as a significant partner for your life. I thought we are intimate with each other and you consider me to be by your side forever. Those painful words pierce through my heart like a double edge sword. That moment is the scariest of them all. I feel terrible and just utterly stupid. So it’s just one sided love after all.

For one last time, I want you to know that I accepted the truth from you. I hate feeling this excruciating pain but the truth will set me free. I want you to know that I am happy to see one last time. To have that heart to heart conversation gives me clarity and a well closure.

My first love. Even it is not reciprocated but still I cannot deviate my unending love for you. You are the only one for me. The one who stamped my soul. And for the last time, I face this frightening confrontation with you that will give us both peace.

February 2015

Today you might receive a news of my funeral. I have settled the reality with myself that I will forever treasure you even till to my death. And don’t worry I am already at peace knowing you will never love me like the way I love you. I just wish that I could personal said my goodbyes. But I can’t let you bear to see me in this pain.

Don’t cry for me. Instead be happy of your chosen path. I no longer hold grudges against you. I’m setting you free from my heart and mind.

In my last moment, I sat by the balcony with a calming view of the lake. I spent my remaining days here. There is peace and serenity. Since my stay here, I have noticed the beauty how it will transform your outlook of life. This peaceful scenery assures me of my life as it nears its ending.

I want you to live happily as you want to be. I want you explore and experience amazing things with your family. I want you to always radiantly glow with positivity. It makes you even more beautiful.

And please love your family more than ever. It is your greatest treasure in this life. Please, throw away the guilt that consumed you. It is not your fault for me to fall for you. You will no longer linger on my dreams every night anymore. For once, I find it peaceful but also aches me that you will lost in my thoughts forever. This mind will shut down forever. And it is over now. I know it’s always been unfair on my part, me only loving you unconditionally. Don’t pity for me.

I may never say this to you personally, at least allow me for this one last moment, one last breath of mine to say, I LOVE YOU, GOODBYE.

Forever yours only,

Fred Gonzales